ZeldaChap14

"He was just trying to top Poopsalot's stunt. Besides, I think he did it more to impress you." Impa answered. The two ladies were chatting in the kitchen at Hyrule Castle on the evening of the infamous archery contest.

"You actually think I was too hard on him? I only called him a babbling twit. I've called him worse in the past." Zelda looked up at the old woman, who frowned at her. "Fine! I'll say something to the dork."

The princess began to panic. She reacted in the only way she knew how. "Impa, you're fired!" she stupidly snapped. ...Don't go saying shit like that so loudly, Impa! Then everyone will know about how badly I want to bite into that delicious goon! Mmm...makes me wish I did kiss him earlier. Why are my hormones going apeshit on me all of a sudden? Is it that time of the month?...

"Eep!" The Hylian princess scooted out of her seat and made a mad dash for the kitchen door. She hated getting Impa mad. Sometimes, that crazy old bitch would chase her around the castle with a wooden spoon, threatening to spank her upon her royal bottom if she misbehaved. "Impa's so scary."

Along the way to her tower, she walked by Link's room. His door was opened a bit, but alas, he was not home. Remember, dear readers, that by this point he is passed out on a barstool somewhere.

...Yup, he's definitely making out with his reflection right about now...or humping the nearest tree in a drunken stupor... The mental image caused her to wrinkle her dainty nose, but then a lovely thought came to her. ...Ohh...I could've been that tree if--Zelda stop! Don't even think it! But I do want to think it! No! No I don't! I don't want to hump Link! Jesus Christ, yes I do! AACCKKK!!!!...

She pulled at her own hair in confusion and cried, "Great Din, I need help!!" Then rather dramatically, for added effect, she ran up the tower steps as fast as she could back to the safety of her room. Too much thinking had gone to her head, apparently.

Up in her solitary tower, Zelda slammed shut the door and took a seat on her bed. Everything was reminding her of Link. The green houseplant next to the window. The milk and cookies Impa had left her on the dresser. Even the "present" Octy left in the corner made her envision her favorite elf.

"Eek, I gotta stop this shit! I'm becoming just as pathetic as he is! There I go again, thinking of him! Must clear my head!" So she sat there, doing absolutely nothing. It got boring fast. There was no one to talk to. She couldn't dare speak to her father about such matters. Sir Poopsalot was probably too busy giving himself an enema. Navi? Ha! That roach would sooner see her dead than help her! While twiddling her thumbs, an idea entered Zelda's hollow shell of a cranium. "I know who I can consult about this!"

Picking it up, she sat back down in her former spot and rested the box next to her. Carefully, she opened it up, avoiding the many layers of dust and grime. It made her cough. She wiped her nose gently with her fingers.

"Ew! I thought our servants were supposed to clean! What the hell do we pay them for?" Upon peering inside the box, she smiled triumphantly. She reached in and produced the Triforce of Wisdom. Nice place to keep a sacred relic, huh? At least she remembered where she placed her underwear each morning! Then again, Link wouldn't mind if she didn't. Half the time he forgot to wear his own anyway.

"Hello!" Zelda called, shaking the heavy blue object around like a pair of maracas. "Does this thing need batteries?" She curiously turned it upside-down to look. At the sound of her voice, the pyramid emitted a shimmering cerulean glow. "Oh! You're awake! I need your help!"

"Yes, your Highness?" the Triforce questioned in a stern, feminine tone. Remember how in the cartoons the damn thing talked? Well I liked that idea, so I decided to keep it for this story. Gotta give respect to the 1980's.

"Right. Does that mean that the Hero of Time and the Princess of Destiny are supposed to get together and live happily ever after? I don't remember what the prophecies say. I should've stayed awake in class."

"Link's got the Triforce of Courage." she muttered, closing her eyes. "I don't know what he did with it. I think he uses it as a door stop." The Triforce's nap idea was the only sensible thing the princess agreed with.

You can say that the Triforce of Power wasn't missing, but had been...temporarily misplaced. Yeah, that's the ticket...temporarily misplaced. Little did anyone know that in the Royal Stables, under a pile of hay next to Epona, was the Triforce of Power. It lay helpless, screaming for assistance, "HHHEEELLLPPP!! DAMN YOU ASSHOLES! AT LEAST GANON TREATED ME WELL! HELP!!!"

It was not long after that when Link made his return to Hyrule Castle, drunk as a skunk and high as a cloud. Miraculously, he managed to stumble to his room without falling down the stairs. He entered and kicked shut the door.

"It has everything to do with Zelda! It's always Zelda!! I can't stop thinking of Zelda! Today I won the archery contest for the seventh straight year in a row and would've been rewarded with a kiss from Zelda if only I didn't fuck up in my usual manner! That shot I made off Aaron's head was amazing! Still, I can never win! I need to take a vacation from this shithole!"

"Who the hell are you to dictate what I do and don't do?!" Link roared. He was clearly not himself and in an extremely agitated state. He was drunk and very randy. Still, despite the fact that he wanted to take a vacation from Hyrule Castle, he didn't want to stop being around Zelda.

"What the hell are you even talking about?!" Navi shot back. "Zelda is making you go all crazy wacky on me! Well, her and the two six packs of beer you probably downed while at the tavern."

"Ack! Don't complete that sentence! Just the thought makes my skin crawl!" She flew up to his face and patted him on the nose. "How about I get you a nice tall refreshing glass of water?" she asked in an attempt to quell the beast within him.

Link gazed at his closet in silence. ...Umm, this is kinda odd. If I were sober, I'd probably know better. It's not every day that a weird voice comes from out of nowhere and makes me play hide-and-seek with it. Better not be Ganon again! Ohh...maybe it's Zelda playing a joke on me. But why would she sound like a man? At this point, I don't care!! I'll shag her anyway!!...

"It's about damn time you took me out of there, hero." it quipped. Link's destined piece of the Triforce was quite a smart ass, and out of frustration, he had hid it away somewhere hoping that he'd forget all about it. Well, you know how the ancient Hylian legends go, don't you dear readers? Well, you should, since many of you think you hold Ph.D.'s in this crap. Anyway, the Triforce is the essence of the three goddesses that created Hyrule a looooooong time ago. It was split into three parts after some klutz dropped it. The pieces then went to their destined owners and blah blah blah must I even explain?

"Fine, you don't like that one? Ugh, you're not that smart. Here's an easier one...if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?" Courage was having a whole lotta fun messing with Link. Payback's a bitch.

Link, frustrated (sexually too) as all hell, held the Triforce high above his head. "I'm gonna slam you against the wall and smash you into a zillion pieces if you don't just answer my fucking question!"

"You little bastard! 'All knowing' my heroic ass!" Without much thinking, Link threw the Triforce back into its box. The poor thing screamed as he did it. He looked down and saw that it now ceased to shimmer. Feeling bad, he picked it back up and rested it on his table. "No sense in arguing with you. I've got to get to bed. I've got a hangover and got to get up early tomorrow." He blew out the candles illuminating the room and crawled into bed, throwing the blankets over his head. The Triforce of Courage playfully began to cast off a dim light. "All that thing's good for is a damn nightlight..." Link mumbled before sleep overcame him.

Once he had chased Navi away, Link settled down for a relaxing bath. Washing away all the grossness that accompanies a night of heavy drinking and naughty dreams, he couldn't help but think of Zelda. He'd sure miss her over the next few days...but he owed it to himself to take a break.

...Great Nayru, if I don't get out of here, I'll burst! Er, not that I haven't already done that in my tights, but...but...why the hell am I justifying my absence to myself?! I really am going insane!! Ack!!...

He jumped out of the bathtub/basin thingie in a state of shock and dressed as fast as he could before Navi barged back in. A few moments later he regained his senses and packed a small traveling bag with supplies; you know, just the usual shit people pack: food, an extra tunic, and a few spare arrows for any crazy Kokiris who tried to gangbang him. Of course he was going to bring the Master Sword and shield. If the Lon Lon Ranch incident had taught him anything, it was to always go out armed in Hyrule when there were horny, demented chicks after your bones. The only Hylian woman allowed to ravage him was Zelda. Yes.....

"It's okay," She forced a smile. Besides, she loved the feeling she got when his body came into close contact with hers. Plus, he smelled delicious. He smelled like man, baby. "I was just about to knock on your door. I...I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I was a total bitch to you. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." He gently explained. ...Holy crap, she's apologizing?! When was the last time she did that?! Is she possessed? Is she a pod person?... In those three seconds that they were together standing there in the hallway, Link had a total change of heart. "I was the one who acted irresponsibly."

"I'm off to visit some old friends in Kokiri Forest." ...Link, don't you dare think it! Don't do what you're thinking of doing!! You promised yourself some alone time! Don't do it!!!...

"Oh." She looked down at the floor beneath their feet and sighed. He stood motionless, waiting for her next move. "Have a good time then." Zelda sweetly gazed up at him. Our hero couldn't resist the beautiful blue pools that were her eyes. It was game over for Link. He was fresh out of heart containers and left without a faerie in a bottle.

Zelda thought the same. ...Heh, I've got your balls on a leash, boy... She instantly accepted his offer. "Sure, I'd be delighted to visit your old home! Just let me go and gather a few things."

"Hopefully it'll be Zelda doing the sucking..." he grinned to himself. ...Who the hell am I kidding? I should be grateful she's talking to me again and wants to be around me. Sigh...at least I've got my fantasies...

"Blech! Go have fun at Kokiri Forest! I hope one of them tries to ram you up the ass with a tree branch!" Navi hissed as she flew away. Link had no time to snap back at her. Instead, he headed over to the stables, where Zelda was to meet up with him. He readied Epona and waited for his lady-friend.

"Ready to go?" Zelda interrupted the hero's thoughts with another tender smile. Link was practically ready to bust a load just at the sight of her. She had changed into a simple light pink dress. He made a mental note about how it wasn't as low cut as her recent outfits, but that the fabric was thin. He prayed to Din that there would be a sudden temperature drop that evening in the forest.

And off they went on their merry little way to Kokiri Forest. To kill time, Link explained to Zelda about how he had once lived with the jolly forest dwellers until he was around ten years old. It was at that time when they tried to force him into their secret XXX child pornography ring. The Kokiri were connoisseurs of porn, you could say. How else were they supposed to make their money? Shortly after their proposal, Link bailed the hell out of there, and on that fateful day, ran into Impa. The rest was history.

"Yeah. Her name's Saria." ...Time to get Zelda jealous! I love getting her jealous! That's right. Get jealous over nothing, Princess. It wouldn't hurt if you ran your hands up my tunic either...

Zelda's mind started to race. It raced as fast as it could. Try to imagine a tortoise crossing a finish line here, people. That's about the speed her mind raced at. Can't you smell the wood burning through your computers? Actually, if you smelled anything coming from your computers, I'd advise running away as quickly as you could!

...Saria?! Shit, I remember her! The little green-haired midget girl! Did I piss Link off so much yesterday that he's fleeing into the arms of another woman-er, sorta kinda? Oh God, no! Wait a minute. If he was doing that, then why did he invite me along? To make me jealous? I'm not jealous! Or maybe he wants us both? Well, the schmuck can't have us both! Only me! Dammit, I'm the leader of the Seven Sages! Not her! I'll have to serve this Saria character just as I had served Ruto! OUCH! Silly blonde, too much thinking!...

Zelda's suspicions went through the roof. ...What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Link, you're a pig! Ohh...I wish you had a curly tail. I'd pull it and pull it and pull it and--what in God's name am I thinking about now?...

The rest of the trip went on in silence. Zelda couldn't tell if she was now mad at Link or if she wanted to fondle him worse than ever. Link was now fearing her retribution later in the form of a foot up his ass. About ten minutes later they arrived at the entrance to Kokiri Forest.

Without a word, Link dismounted Epona and walked toward the circular opening. The princess was surprised that he didn't help her off, which he usually always did. She pouted her lips, then got off and joined him.

"Hey, wait for me!" she called as she hurried after him. They walked over a small bridge before entering a large clearing. Zelda could see little houses, complete with little shops, little tools, little farms, and not to mention, little people.

As they were speaking, one by one, the Kokiri took notice of the two Hylians standing in their midst. When Link and Zelda turned away from each other, they found themselves surrounded by a crowd of curious midgets. It was quite frightening actually.

"Link!!!" A whole army of Kokiri encircled the pair and eyed them quizzically. It wasn't every day they saw a Hylian man, but now a strange Hylian woman? It was almost like the Second Coming in Kokiri Forest. The forest folk all shouted things at Link.

"That's me." the princess timidly answered. She wasn't sure how to respond to a bunch of Kokiri gawking at her. Link staring at her chest was bad enough. They buzzed amongst themselves again.

"Aw, come on, Link." A Kokiri boy went up to the curious girl and stood behind her. He spoke in such a soft, childish manner that it made it even worse when he proceeded to pretend that he was humping the girl from the back. "I think you're lying."

"You mean you're really not bangin' that ass, Link?" The girl made slapping motions against the side of her thigh. The boy in back of her didn't phase her at all. "No, Link? How disappointing."

"Er, I guess so." The hero brushed off the girl's quip fast, out of fear that she'd say something else that would revolt Zelda. Gosh, he hoped that the thought of having sex with him didn't revolt her. The thought of having sex with himself was pretty enticing. "Where is Saria, anyway?"

"Link, when you get done showing the princess around, we're going to have a feast, just for you two!" a Kokiri representative cheered. "We'll have it in the meeting house. Stop by later today, okay?"

"Sweet!" The Hylian hero linked (haha! I still can't get over that pun. I know. I'm a dork) arms with Zelda and lead her towards his former tree house home. It only helped fuel the Kokiri's suspicions about the duo. "See you guys later!"

The alleged goddamn moron and his princess reached a huge tree at the far corner of Kokiri Forest and stared up at it. Zelda took notice of the ladder leading up to a small house built within the tree's branches. She didn't even need to guess what Link was thinking about her in her dress. He made it obvious.

"Fine, at least I tried." With a shrug, he ascended the ladder. Zelda followed him, making sure that no sick forest folk were standing below, eager to get a glimpse of her Strawberry Shortcake underwear.

"Everything is just as I left it, Princess!" Link stepped into the tree house's single room and surveyed his old haunt. "There's my old Transformers poster! Oh, and there's an old glass of milk!" He picked it up and was instantly repelled by its odor. "Yuck, it's curdled and green now, but...look!" Placing it back down, he scooted over to his tiny bed. "My old bed!"

"When I was ten, it was perfect. Come and sit with me, Zelda." He patted the empty space next to him. She sighed, then took a seat beside him. "What do you think about the forest so farminus the humping Kokiri?"

Link laughed at her comment, taking the opportunity to snake his arm around her. She didn't seem to mind, and even rested her head against his shoulder. The Hero of Time exhaled a long breath.

"Actually I came here to relax and not be bothered." He bravely twined his fingers around a lock of Zelda's hair. She closed her eyes as his motion caused tingles to go from her scalp down to her spine. People with long hair know what I'm talking about. I freaking love that feeling. "But I certainly don't mind sharing some R&R with you."

...Yes!!! Tonight, this tree house is gonna be a-rockin'! But I don't want to arouse suspicion now among those Kokiri. If we stay up here much longer, they may try to videotape us or something. Maybe we should go see Saria...

As Link and Zelda were getting off on each other, a certain green-haired female Kokiri was praying at her makeshift shrine in the Forest Temple. An altar had been set up, complete with candles and incense burning. It was dedicated to her favorite Hylian godLink. Decorating the giant hall and surrounding area were photos of Hyrule's most famous son. There was Link in battle, Link walking around, Link eating, Link picking his feet. Her twisted photo album had everything: close-ups, panoramic shots, long distance ones. Accompanying the freaky pictures were old possessions of Link's. The Kokiri's collection consisted of some old discarded tunics, a broken boomerang, a ripped pair of boots, and even a blood-stained bandage from when Link got hurt during a Staflos battle. Saria was obsessed with the Hero of Time. She knelt in front of the altar, eyes clenched shut and her hands clasped in prayer. Someone cue the Norman Bates music!

"Dear Gods of Hyrule, please make Link be mine. Oh please, oh please, oh please! Let his strong arms caress my tiny, whimpering body. Let him be mine forever! I just want him to hold and hug...and to father my children. If I can't have him, no one can! I will kill whoever stands in my way! Link will love me! Oh gods, if you hear me, give me a sign! A sign from my Link!"

The imp immediately recognized the bearer of the voice and cast her gaze upwards. "Gods, thank you!" She turned around to see a tall figure making his way into the large chamber. "Link!" Saria screeched as she bolted from her spot. Onto his chest she jumped up like a cat, wrapping her arms around him. Her legs hugged his torso. The Hero of Time became nervous. His gut feeling grew even stronger when Saria dug her nails into his back.

Zelda was amazed...and extremely pissed. The Kokiri hadn't noticed her yet. The princess rested her hands on her hips and loudly cleared her throat. Saria peered past Link's shoulder and locked eyes with her now arch-nemesis.

Link could sense the tension in the temple. It was like he was reliving the Malon incident from the other day, but only this time, the thought of the two women making out revolted him. He loved the attention he got from the two, yet still couldn't shake a feeling of pedofelia as he held his Kokiri friend. He quickly went to put her down, but Saria's grip was too strong and refused to let him go. She remained in his arms.

"What brings you here, Link?" Saria asked, doing her best to hide her insane jealously. She avoided Zelda's gaze. ...Could it have been that voodoo love spell I placed on you last night that made you come here? Golly, I sure hope so!...

Meanwhile, Link had been scanning the chamber and caught sight of Saria's stalker-like collection of Hero of Time paraphanalia. He couldn't believe what he saw! ...Is that what I think it is? Holy Jesus, she's got a shrine dedicated to me! This looks like a twelve year old girl's room! How the hell did she get photos of me pissing in a bush?! She's a goddamn voyeur! Ack!...

The Kokiri found him suspicious, but disregarded it. Instead, she then clung to his leg and squeezed tightly. The hero attempted to subtly shake her off like you would do to a horny dog, but it didn't help. He tried to remain calm.

Without another word, Link and Zelda turned around and began to power walk out of the temple as fast as they could. For some reason, the princess felt compelled to turn around and catch one last glimpse of the Kokiri. They locked eyes yet again, and Zelda swore that the imp twitched wildly as she kept her fists clenched at her sides. The bitch was seething!

"You liked that, huh?" He turned his head to smirk at her. Surprising Zelda, he bent down and scooped her up into his arms. She giggled wildly. The sound echoed off the temple's walls, failing to escape a certain demented Kokiri's ears. "I'd never drop you though, Princess!"

Zelda happily rested her head on his shoulder and allowed Link to carry her all the way back outside. Saria, on the other hand, was flabbergasted. A pain in the back of her left eye made her twitch even more. If the sound of Zelda laughing wasn't enough to cause an instant aneurysm for Saria, I don't know what was. Once the pair left, the Kokiri placed herself in front of her altar and began to pray.

"Oh, sorry! It's just that you're light as a feather, and I almost forgot that I was even holding you!"
...Smooth, Link. You're really kissing her behind now. Light as a feather? I think she's been packing in some extra cheese doodles lately, but goddam I still want to hit it!!!...

The couple skipped back to Kokiri Village and headed for the meeting house. There, they found a feast grand enough to feed the entire country of Ethiopia, or some other third world region for that matter. A Kokiri boy greeted them and pointed to the dining table.

"Thanks. C'mon, Zelda! Let's eat!" Link grabbed a hold of the princess' hand and started to pull her over to the table, when a trio of Kokiri kids came from out of nowhere and blocked their path.

The three boys produced lollipops from out of nowhere (trust me, you really don't want to know where they got them from), and proceeded to do a little up and down squatting motion. Not sure of what to say, Link and Zelda simply stared. Then they began to sing.

The song continued for what seemed like another ten minutes. Princess Zelda could do nothing but smile stupidly. ...My God, when is this going to stop? They're like a CD skipping over and over! Someone, anyone, make them stop!!...

Quickly, she glanced over in Link's direction, and caught him donning the same big stupid smile she was. He was obviously thinking the same thing as her. Five minutes later, Link had had enough. He needed to shut them up before their scary song drove him off the edge of sanity.

"Halt!" a mysterious voice called from the crowd of Kokiri. Out from the group walked a disgruntled looking gentleman. He appeared to be the tallest of his racehe reached all the way up to Link's belt buckle. To the Kokiri, he was a giant. With glaring eyes, the boy fixated his stare upon the Hylian man.

"Well, this 'loser', in case you've forgotten, is the savior of Hyrule, and not to mention the personal bodyguard of its beautiful princess." The whole "personal bodyguard" thing was made up on the spot, but hell, he was like Zelda's guard, and not to mention babysitter. It's time to break out the baby powder and a clean diaper, because he was ready to powder her royal ass. He slid his arm around her waist and yanked her close to his side. She didn't seem to mind.

"Shut up, the both of you!" Mido barked, waving his little fists in the air. "Lady, I don't care if you were the goddess Din herself. I respect no one. I rule this here place and don't like outsiders coming in!"

"Listen Mido, you may think you're hot shit, but you're really just wet diarrhea. You're in the presence of royalty, and well...I'm not one to toot my own horn, but the greatest hero in the universe. I suggest you shut your pint sized mouth before I shove my size eleven boots down your throat."

"Gee Link, modest much?" Zelda quipped. ...Ohhhh Nayru, I want to rip off his hot tunic right here and do him!! Speak like that more often, you spineless man-child! Speak like that to me and spank me!...

"Apparently you didn't hear me, treasure troll. The day you can talk to me like a man is the day you can stare into my eyes without the use of several phonebooks. And since that'll never happen, I suggest you back your ass up out of my way so the princess and I can eat. What do you got to say to that, boy?" Link didn't even bother waiting for Mido's response. He pushed passed the tin-pot dictator with Zelda and sat down at the table.

Mido shrank back into a dark corner somewhere and wet his tights. He couldn't believe that the same punk who used to ask him to play stickball all those years ago would serve him like that. My God, to be served is a crime against humanity. It's possibly the worst thing you could do to someone, aside from dissecting them while still alive. There was only one thing to do when one got served. Mido immediately headed to the nearest toilet.

"But there's so much good food here..." He stared at her. She blankly returned the gesture. ...She's right. Hell, I can starve for another hour or so. Maybe she'll let me lick my Chinese food off her dainty little--she's not amused... "I'll just have some Cheetos then, okay Princess?"

Speaking of freaks, Psycho Saria entered the meeting hall and made a mad dash for Link's table. Zelda's mere presence pissed her off, but she knew to keep the peace if she wanted to remain close to her Hylian hunk.

Saria sat across from the pair and cast her eyes on the Hero of Time. It instantly creeped Link out beyond words. He nervously shifted around in his seat, unnoticeably pushing himself even closer to Zelda. The princess, wanting to avert Saria's gaze, stared at her empty plate.

Apparently Zelda was thinking the same thing. ...These Kokiri sure are strange. And not strange in a good way, but strange in a 'far out fucked up bizarre' sort of way. I think it's time we get out of here before I relive the Malon situation from the other day!!...

"...I don't know! Let's just get the hell out" He paused when he felt something brushing up against his legs from under the table. Surprised, he looked up to notice that Saria was no longer sitting in her seat across from him. At least, he didn't think she was still sitting in her seat.

"Someone's playing footsie with me..." It was then that he noticed the green top of Saria's head emerge from above the table. Apparently the Kokiri had sunk down as far as she could in her seat in order to engage in some footsie. The two could hear childlike giggling from the insane Kokiri female.

"Er...uhh...I've got bad gas. Come on, Zelda. We're going to have to return home!" He yanked her up by her hand. She thought his odd excuse was rather random, but went along with his plan anyway.

"Umm...er...hmm..." Link needed a good distraction. "...Look, it's Ron Jeremy!" He pointed to the far corner of the room. Of course, the little porn connoisseurs' heads turned to the direction Link indicated, eager to get a glimpse of the XXX actor. His lie worked well. While they weren't paying attention, Link pulled Zelda as fast as he could out of the meeting hall and outside.

"Heh," Saria snorted. "It's time for that blonde-haired bimbo to die!! I'm going to crash your little dinner party for two tonight, Link! And after I do, you'll be mine forever!!!!" Maniacal laughter ensued.

So Link and Zelda got comfortable (or at least attempted to) in the tree house and dined over a meal of Chinese take-out. The princess sat on the small bed, content with her lo mein. Link was on the floor, shoving dumplings down his throat. Both were anxious and eager at the same time.

Wasting no time, Link scooted up to her, his dumplings dish in tow. They exchanged glances and continued to snicker like two horny, giddy, inexperienced individuals...which they were anyway.

"No, not at all." Setting aside his dish, he reached over and tenderly wiped the spare food particle out of the way with his thumb. Mmm...romantic, isn't it? Chinese food always has that effect on people. ...Okay, I just made that up. In fact, it usually makes people either get a nasty case of the Hershey Squirts or gain an unquenchable thirst. That's why it's my food of choice!

"Your breath smells like lo-mein." Link stupidly said. See, I told you he doesn't make any sense when he's about to score! Come to think of it, I don't think he ever makes any sense. Actually, does this story even make sense? I mean, it just seems to go on and on with a huge amount of idiocy and inane plot--WOAH REALITY CHECK!!!

They slowly moved in to kiss each other and came painfully close to doing so when suddenly, from the window, something--no, someone!--jumped in and dove right onto Link's back! Surprised readers? I think not. You know me too well by now. That's why after reading this, I'll have to kill you all!!! Each and every one of you! ...Hehe, I'm only kidding, bitches!

"Aaaagggghhhh!!!!" Link wailed, getting to his feet. He began to shake around wildly to throw whatever the hell was on him off his back. "What the hell is going on?! Why me, God?!! Why me?!"

"Indeed it's me!" The Kokiri barked as she held tightly onto Link's tunic. "Link, how could you do this to me?! How could you cheat on me like this?! Ugh, and it's with Zelda, above all people!!"

"Get off of me!" Link reached behind to tear her off, but his efforts were futile. Zelda couldn't get close enough to help because her hero was flailing around so much. Link continued to yell like a girly-man. "Saria, have you lost your goddamn mind?!

"I won't let go, Link! I love you! If I could, I'd permanently attach myself to you and ride you like a horsey!" Saria's dementia only proceeded to escalate. "Stop moving around so much! You're making me dizzy!"

"Let go of me, you demented bitch!" Finally, with all of his might, Link managed to undo Saria's iron grip by swinging around in one violent motion, causing the Kokiri to go flying across the room like a ragdoll. She slammed into the wall with a loud thud. Then she went motionless.

The Hero of Time was temporarily shocked by the image of Saria clinging onto Zelda's chest and trying to take bites out of her arms and neck. He didn't want to admit that it turned him on slightly...but only slightly. A yelp from Zelda brought him back to reality.

"Link! She's gonna rip out my throat! Help!" Zelda shrieked, trying to block Saria's mouth away with her hands. Suddenly, the princess felt a sharp pain in her right hand. "Ouch! The goddamn mother fucker bit me! She bit me, Link!! Get her the fuck off!!! I think I'm bleeding! I'm going to need a rabies shot now!"

"Die, you stupid bitch! Die! Die a horrible, agonizing, searing death in the pits of hell! Then after that, I want you to die again, just to make sure you're dead!" Saria was ranting and raving to deaf ears. "Do you hear me, bitch? Link's mine! I'll claw your eyes out!!" And she attempted to do just that.

"Ah, I got her now!" He successfully managed to grab a hold of Saria's green hair, and with all his might, tore the crazed imp off Zelda. He flung her to the floor hard in hopes that the impact would knock her unconscious. Both Hylians stood above the Munchkin, too shocked to say much of anything. Finally, after catching his breath, Link turned to Zelda.

"I'm so sorry, Princess. Well, if it's any consolation, look what she did to me." He tugged away his collar so Zelda could see the bite mark on his neck. "She left a hickey on my neck! If anyone was to leave a hickey on my neck, I'd want it to be you."

She let his last comment go over her head. She was no longer in the mood to be kissy/feely. "Saria's a total freak. I can't believe she's even a sage. What the hell were the gods thinking? I think she's even more insane than Ruto and Malon combined!"

Link quickly put Zelda down and grabbed her hand. "We've got to run and hide somewhere! C'mon!" Of all places in that damn forest, Link headed straight for the entrance to the Lost Woods. The duo ran as fast as they could while the Kokiri continued to follow them in hot pursuit. Link had no idea where he was going, as it had been years since he last ventured into the woods, but it didn't take long for him to remember that it was called the "Lost Woods" for a reason.