My eyes are liquefying! Bring me back to the Legend of Zelda Intro Page! |
Ah-ha, and there's Chapter Twelve! Did it tickle your fancy? Onto Chapter Thirteen! |
Chapter Twelve: This Means War! Once Ganon had banished Sir Poopsalot (now perpetually constipated) from Death Mountain, the valiant knight ventured out into the Hylian wilderness in search of where he would be able to find the king. Poopsalot traveled far and wide, walking in circles around boulders and boring villagers to death with his heroic tales of warfare and flatulence, until someone pointed out that the big building with turrets off in the distance was Hyrule Castle. The noble thanked the lad and gave him a blue rupee, which the lad, in turn, gave to the village whore in exchange for a feel job. Off Poopsalot went, into the horizon, towards Hyrule Castle Town. His destiny awaited him there, as well as the nearest shower. ...Yes, I shall rule over this land one day!... the knight gleefully thought, with a twinkle in his eye. ...Princess Zelda shall be my queen, and we will live happily ever after. The only thing left will be to cure this infernal constipation! Damn my sensitive intestines! Damn that oafish Ganon! Damn Lunaretine for sticking me in this dreadful story!... Back at Hyrule Castle, Link was unaware of the impending danger in the form of a metro- sexual now trotting in his direction. The Hero of Time was still overjoyed with joy about the kiss Zelda had given him earlier that day. Granted, it was only a kiss on the cheek, but it was more on the scale of, let's say, the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Yup, the kiss was that monumental. Link could barely contain his happiness. He immediately ran to his buddy Aaron's room, where he found the boy reading through Ye Olde Comic Book, sitting on his bed. The hero rushed through the door--no, he didn't break through it, a la The Hulk--like a madman and slammed it shut. Aaron looked up and stared at him. "Dude, do you have one too many fairies up in your belfry? Why the hell did you do that?" Hyrule's savior opened up his mouth to speak, but the words failed to spew out of his gaping maw. Instead, he once again smiled, allowing his eyelashes to flutter in the breeze. The boy was puzzled. "Link? Um, hello? Goddamn, are you okay? Do you have gas? What the hell happened to you?" "The greatest thing in the world, Aaron." Now the words easily flowed from the hero's lips. Crazily, he broke out of his trance-like state and repeated the phrase, "The greatest thing in the world, Aaron!!" His protegee was unimpressed. "What? Did Zelda do something nauseatingly cute?" "No...yes--sorta! She..." Link paused and folded his hands together in a manner which reminded Aaron of a preteen girl apologizing for something naughty she had just done. "She...kissed me!!!" "Dude!! Aw man, that rules!" "Yeah, right here!" The Hero of Time scooted over to Aaron and anxiously pointed to his right cheek. The little buddy frowned. "Oh, I thought she actually tongued you." "Well, no." Link grew serious. "C'mon, Aaron. Let's not shoot for any unattainable goals here. Don't piss on my parade. The thing that matters is that she did it willingly! I didn't even beg or ask for it! She just did it! I'm never going to wash this cheek again. Who knows, Aaron? Next time it might be on my nose, then maybe on my lips. Oh sweet Jesus, I hope it's on my lips." "Whatever, dude. You're her daddy." The boy opened up his comic book. He was happy for his friend. ...Let him live in his glory. I've never seen him so happy. I can't wait to see how he reacts when she finally lets him shag her! It'll be time to break out the champagne and fireworks then!... "Tonight we're all gonna have this big dinner." Link continued, his voice still ecstatic. "You're invited too, of course. I'm gonna see Zelda there!" "You see Zelda every night at dinner." "Yeah, but tonight will be different. You'll see, Aaron! Tonight, things are going to change. They're going to change for the better, so help me Din!" "...Is that a threat? Dude, you're turning all psycho on me, and I don't like it." "Sorry, Aaron. I just have a feeling that something big's going to happen. Mark my words, boy. Tonight, Zelda will be mine!" He laughed maniacally for a few moments before darting out of his buddy's room. "Wow, he's snapped. I guess love makes us all crazy sometimes. I sure don't want to be there when the obvious happens in this story, which you know it will. Meh, let me enjoy my comic book before the shit hits the fan." Up in the tower, Princess Zelda was in her room, preparing for dinner. You know how most of us just tend to drag our asses down the stairs when our moms scream that it's time to eat? Well, princesses such as Zelda get to wear pretty dresses to dinner. It sucks to be us. Her nursemaid, Impa, was seated in a chair by the window. She watched as Zelda brushed her lovely locks for the tenth time that day. "Oh Impa, lately my thoughts have been so askew!" the princess whined, turning away from her mirror. "What's wrong?" Zelda sighed. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret Impa, because I can trust you." "You know you can tell me anything, Zelda." ...And pray that I don't sell it to the Hyrule Enquirer for a million rupees!!... "Okay, here it goes. You know how Link and I have this weird sparing relationship going on? I spurn him, he keeps coming back for more. I spurn him again, and again he comes back for more. He's like an abused animal that doesn't know any better." "Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about." the nursemaid smiled. "Lately, I've been wanting to change things between us." "How so?" Impa already knew what Zelda was getting at, but did not want to rush it. She observed how nervously the princess twiddled her thumbs together and spoke in a childish tone. What Zelda was ready to admit was pretty earthshattering for her. It wasn't like that for everyone else, because they all knew it was about damn time she showed the Hero of Time some lovin'! "Impa, over the last few months, I've been drawn really close to Link. Like, on the journey we went on to rescue Miss Snuffles, things got really heated. Lines were crossed." "But lines are always crossed between you two-" "No, I mean, they were crossed." The princess grew sullen, like she was trying to hide some deeper desire. "When I rode atop Epona with him, I felt his muscles through his tunic. I felt the resonation of his voice zip throughout my body as I rested my head on his back." As Zelda spoke, Impa watched as the princess' fingers began to dig into the sides of her chair. ...My! Just talking about Link has her plumbing going! Damn, I need to find me a man like that! At my age. I'd need more than a plumber. I'd need Roto-Rooter!... "Impa, he makes me feel things I've never felt before. He...He...He makes me want to..." Zelda let her thought end there, before adding in a whisper, "And he's got a really big bulge in his tights!" Before the old woman could say anything about Link's generous package, Zelda instantly started talking again. "Oh, it makes me sick just admitting this!" "Why?" she shrugged. "If I had a man like that willing to kiss the ground my crusty feet walked on, I'd handcuff him to my bed and put a saddle on him!" "Impa! It's different with Link! I've been pushing him away for ten years, but now I want him close to me. It's almost like wanting to be with my brother, and the last time I checked, we're not living in a galaxy far, far away." "Zelda, your feelings for Link have gone through a natural progression. When you were ten, you enjoyed picking your noses together. Now that you're twenty, other, more mature, emotions have come to surface." "...How'd you know that Link and I did that?" "That's not the point. The point is that you cannot deny the feelings you now have for him. You may, deep down inside, even love him." "Don't go that far! I never said that! Eww! Cooties!" Zelda bit her lower lip. "Impa, do you think I should stop acting so immature and finally admit my feelings to him?" "You know I do, Princess. Link is head over heels for you. He'd treat you wonderfully- even better than he does now." "How much better can he treat me? He's saved me from Ganon's clutches innumerable times already. The most he can do now is buy me some expensive jewelry and constantly tell me how pretty I am." "I also think he'd make an excellent suitor." "Y-You mean you want me to marry Link?" Zelda stammered. ...Goddamn, now she's gone too far! Hmm, a white wedding would be wonderful though. Link would look so smashing in his blue tunic and white tights. We could send out Hello Kitty scratch-and-sniff invitations... AACCKK! What the hell am I thinking?!!... "I can't marry Link!" "Why not?" the nursemaid grinned through her dentures. "Because....eww!! I'll forget you even brought that up, Impa. But I think I know what I'm going to do for now." "Which is?" "Tonight, after dinner, I'm going to take Link aside. Maybe we'll go out for a walk in the garden and flick more boogers--forget I said that. Anyway, I'm going to tell him how I really feel, and if we can...eerk...if we can try things as a couple." "I think he'd like that very much!" "I'll probably have to avoid the puddle of piss he'll shed once I tell him the news, but I think he'll like it too. Impa, I hope I'm doing the right thing. All I want is for him to be finally mine. You know, to hold and squeeze...to make up cute pet names for, like 'pookie'. Then I'll just see where the relationship takes us from there." "Great idea, Zelda. I've got a feeling things are going to work out for you two." "I do too, Impa. Nothing's going to ruin this moment!" Author's note: Of course it's going to be ruined. You could've seen that coming from a mile away. Does anything ever work out for Link and Zelda in this sordid tale? Keep reading and you'll find out! Time to end this shameless plug. "I wish you all the luck in Hyrule, Zelda." Impa stood up and opened the princess' dress cabinet. "Now, wear something tight and low cut to pull the boy in even more!" Later that night, Link and Aaron were in the dining room with the king. His portly Highness and the teenager were already seated at the table, picking at some rolls. The hero was too anxious to sit. He eagerly awaited for the princess to make her grand entrance while standing next to the chair Zelda usually sat in. He made sure to wear his bestest green tunic and pair of tights for the evening, topping off the ensemble with his favorite pair of golden gauntlets. Not only did they make him super strong, but they looked stylish. He was damn sexy! "So Link, how are you this evening?" the king questioned, spreading butter on his bread. "You look rather dashing!" "Thanks, your Majesty! I'm great! Couldn't be better! Where's Zelda? She said she'd meet me here. Where is she? She's never late for dinner!" Our favorite bumbling elf spoke a mile a minute. "Link, chill out." Aaron grinned. "You're trembling like an addict in withdrawal." "Sorry..." Link rapidly began shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "I've got butterflies in my stomach." Heh, and not to mention too many paint chips! "Are you and my daughter to be wed soon?" Hyrule's monarch blatantly asked. While there were many occasions (many is an understatement) where the king acted as if he was technically retarded, the one subject he remained keen on was his daughter. The inquiry caused Link and Aaron to choke on their own spit. "I-If only she'd say yes!" the Hero of Time beamed. ...That's right, your Highness, you know I'd make a good king! Now, only for the hard part...convincing Zelda to marry me. That shouldn't be hard....HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, Link! At least you've got the sense of humor to laugh at your own misfortune! Keep smiling and pretend that your love life really isn't as pathetic as it is!... "Maybe if Zelda would quit being so pretentious, she'd give Link the time of day." Aaron added. "Er, no offense, your Majesty." "None taken. I know my daughter can be a trifle bit difficult to deal with. I think I should have beaten her more when she was a child. Don't you agree?" "Ah-hem!" Impa's voice signaled the arrival of the princess. Everyone ignored the king's cryptic comment and directed their attention to Zelda. She was adorned in a simple blue dress...with a plunging neckline. Link whimpered at the sight of her. Even Aaron had to admit that she looked hot, and he wasn't normally into blondes. This gentleman preferred brunettes. "I decided to dress up tonight," Zelda explained. "Any reason why, dear daughter?" "...No." she fibbed, sending a glance at the hero. He whimpered again. "Doesn't she look lovely, Link?" Impa coaxed. She nodded her head at the hero, as if to say, Pull out her chair for her! Where are your manners, you twit? "Oh!" He pulled out Zelda's chair and smiled stupidly. "Here you go, Zelda! Where are my manners?" "Probably up your ass..." Aaron chuckled to himself loud enough for only Link to hear. "Thank you!" The princess plopped her royal bottom down. Link returned to his chair, which was conveniently located across from Zelda's seat. ...He's directly in my line of vision. Time to send him some 'come hither' glances, with a game of footsey thrown in for fun!... Aaron, who was positioned next to Link, leaned over and muttered, "Man, can I have some of that stuff you're on? You're wired!" "You guys are having a dinner party without me?!" came a high-pitched shriek. Navi the faerie buzzed into the dining hall, angered that everyone was about to pig out without her. "Link! You didn't tell me anything about a fancy dinner party! We usually just order in a pizza on Friday nights!" "Shut up, Navi." he replied through clenched teeth. "Perhaps you weren't invited on purpose?" Zelda quipped, smiling widely at the roach. "Hmpf! Well I'm crashing the party!" She delicately sat on top of Link's wine glass. "Where's the eats?!" "Good question! Servants, serve us!" The king clapped his hands, and several of his servants scampered around the large table, placing a plate in front of each guest. Even Navi got her own tiny version. Thus, dinner began. Everyone started pigging out on yummy treats from the kitchen. "I heard you two went to Lon Lon Ranch earlier today." Impa said as she cut the meat on her plate. "Uh-huh," Link responded between bites. "How are Talon and Ingo?" "Fine." "What about Malon?" "Insane." the princess casually answered her nursemaid. "Ah, I see she hasn't changed!" "I did get a new horsey though." Zelda peeked over at the Hero of Time, who stopped chewing on his food when their eyes locked. "Link helped me pick her out." He swallowed hard. "It's not like we had a choice, Zelda." "Hehe, no!" "And how are you doing, Aaron?" the old woman addressed the boy. "I'm aight." "I was watching you and Link in the courtyard this morning. You were helping him with his archery, Link?" "I was." He smirked at Aaron, who gulped. "Y-Yeah!" The boy quickly launched into nothing but praise for his teacher. "He was layin' down the smack on those arrows, Impa. Man, he's so good, he could hit the target blindfolded! He just barely missed my head-" "Why are you dressed like that, Zelda?" Navi butted in. "And come to think of it, why do you look so fine, Link? I mean, you always look fine, but tonight you look especially delicious. Is there something going on that I don't know about?" "Er, I just thought I'd try something different." the princess nervously answered. "Am I not allowed to wear whatever I want to dinner in my own castle, Navi?" "Of course you are, but I just think you look like a slu-" "No one asked you, Navi." Link growled. "You weren't even invited." "You can be so mean, Link. You're lucky you're cute. ...Are you gonna eat that potato?" Without warning, Link flicked Navi off her perch, causing her to fall into his filled glass. "Excuse me, waiter? There's a fly in my wine." He lifted up his cup and handed it over to the nearest servant. "My apologies! I'll get you a new one!" The male servant disappeared into the kitchen, with a screaming Navi in tow. Everyone ignored her. "Now that I have everybody's attention, I'd like to ask my daughter a question." the king announced. Zelda jerked her head up and stared at her father. Link just wanted to jerk off. "Darling daughter, when are you finally going to get married?" "Daddy, you ask me this almost every day. It's getting annoying." she hastily countered. ...Great way to embarrass me, Daddy! Next, why don't you ask me when my last period was, or how about how my nasty toenail infection's doing? Link better not get any dumb ideas!... Hell, if he got at least one idea, he'd be lucky. "Well, it's getting annoying waiting for you to make your choice." The Hero of Time and Aaron exchanged glances. Poor Link didn't realize he was practically bouncing up and down in his seat. His protegee shot him a "You're her Daddy!" look. Link eagerly awaited Zelda's reply. ...This is my big chance! You can marry me, Zelda! I'm an eligible bachelor! Even if it's just to shut your father up, you can marry me! Squeee!!!... The princess didn't acknowledge her father. He grew angry. "Zelda, you're twenty years old. Usually women your age are married and have popped out at least five kids by now! You, my dear, must get off your royal behind and find a husband!" "And who could that be?" she snapped, weirdly looking at her father. ...Oh God, here it goes. I know what he's going to say! I'm so FUCKED!!!...Hmm...maybe that's a good thing, if it's by Link. Squeee!!!... "Why Zelda, he's right in front of your face-" "And that would be I!!" cried a loud, arrogant voice from out of the blue. I wonder where that "out of the blue" expression originated from. Why not "out of the pink?" or "out of the yellow?" Does it have anything to do with the sky being blue? Some people ponder the meaning of life. I ponder shit like this. I should stop eating so many purple crayons. In walked a well-dressed knight with long flowing blonde hair and a white cape, which he tried his darndest not to trip over. Everyone just stared at him, dumbfounded. Link had no idea who the intruder was, but already added him to the top of his infamous "Shit List." Zelda's jaw dropped. Aaron almost laughed out loud at the knight's extremely metro-sexual appearance. Impa couldn't remember who the man in white was. Then again, she normally couldn't remember her own name half the time due to senility. "And who the Hades are you?" the Hylian monarch barked as he stood up. Link also got to his feet and was ready to break out the Master Sword, until he recalled that he had left it upstairs. "It's me, your Highness!" "No, I'm me. Who are you?" "...Er, I'm Sir Poopsalot, Royal Knight of Hyrule and Princess Zelda's betrothed!" At the word "betrothed", Zelda lost about thirty years off her life-span, and Link hit the ground like a ton of bricks. Heh, so much for avoiding cliches. For the time being, the others in the room ignored their fallen hero, still under the spell of Poopsalot. "Poopsalot!" the king-who-shall-remain-nameless exclaimed. "I thought you were dead!" "What's wrong with the fellow clad in green? Hmpf, no matter. I was locked up in Ganon's prison for ten years. He finally released me a few days ago, but I sorta got lost on my way here... Anyway, I'm back and ready to marry your daughter!" He smiled widely at Zelda, who glared angrily at the pompous trespasser. "Your Majesty!" Two of the king's guards ran into the room. They surrounded the white knight and grabbed a hold of his arms so he'd be unable to move or do some more crazy gesturing. "We're sorry the encroacher...encroached!" "Yes, we tried to stop him, but he immediately began shrieking like a woman when we went to draw our swords!" "And then he ran away like sissy when we tried to capture him!" "I did not run like a sissy, nor shriek like a woman!" Poopsalot yelled in his defense. "Now, will you please release me? You're wrinkling the sleeves on my new shirt. I just picked this up at the Men's Warehouse for half off!" "It's alright... I know this wayfarer." His Majesty waved his hand in the air as a signal for his guards to release Blondie. They obliged. "He is a Royal Knight of Hyrule." "That's right! I have returned after a decade-long imprisonment! As I said earlier, I'm ready to marry your daughter now! Let's heat up some mozzarella sticks to celebrate!" "We're not celebrating anything!" growled the princess. "You don't know me, so don't insinuate that you're going to marry me! Link! Why aren't you saying anything??" Suddenly, everyone looked down at the out-cold Hylian warrior. "Oh my God!! Link!!!" "Dude, aw man!" Aaron bolted out of his chair and over to his friend's side. "He fainted!" "That's the Link I've been hearing so much about?" Poopsalot scoffed. "He is the man who has been Hyrule's protector in my absence? Ah-ha! Ah-ha!" Even his laugh was cocky. "Don't laugh at him!" Zelda joined Aaron and Impa, who were now trying to revive Link. Where was Navi in a bottle when you needed her? "Link, wake up! Goddammit, don't be a lazy ass now! You're useless!" "Impa! Aaron! Try to move Link back up to his quarters. I'll deal with our guest for now." the king commanded. "Good idea, your Majesty! Leave us to discuss matters important to adults, like about when I'm going to marry Zelda." Poopsalot paid no mind to the old woman and squire who were struggling to lift up the Hero of Time. "Damn Link, you should cut down on the Twinkies." Aaron grumbled as he raised up his mentor's torso. Impa had the legs. "Time for you to go take a nap!" They trudged off to Link's bedroom. "I'm not marrying you!" Zelda retorted. "Who the hell do you think you are, barging in here like you own the place?" "I-I'm Sir Poopsalot, dammit!" "I don't care who you think you are! I'm not marrying you, right Daddy?" She hopefully turned to her father, who looked rather clueless as to how to answer her. "Right?" "A king cannot go back on his word..." the knight said in a voice partially to himself, partially to the monarch. "I don't know what planet you're living on, but I'm not marrying you!" "Oh, my beloved, I know the last time you saw me you were like eight, but-" "I never liked you!" "You can learn!" "Daddy!!" Zelda groaned. "I'm not going to marry him! I...I'm just not!" Holding back tears, she ran out of the dining room, dramatically flailing her arms around her and sobbing loudly. "Zelda!" her father called after her. She didn't respond. "I'll have to teach her to obey orders." Poopsalot shrugged. "What's for dinner?" "Who do you think you are?!" the pudgy ruler shouted at the nosey knight. "I-I'm Sir Poopsalot!" "You wait here. I'm going to see how Link is." "Link?" "Yes, my future son-in-law." "But that is I-" "Silence!" Up in the so-called future-son-in-law's room, Impa and Aaron had rested Link down on his bed and were trying to bring him back to reality. "I don't believe it! Just the mention of the word 'betrothed' knocked him out!" The boy placed a pillow under Link's noggin. "It's a shame, because Zelda had a nice surprise planned for him until that goon ruined it!" The king entered the room, "How is he doing?" "He's still out cold." Aaron answered. "We have to try and wake him up!" "What's all the commotion about?" Navi emerged from her hiding spot under Link's bed. "I was trying to take a bath and then I heard all of these voices--Oh sweet Din! What's wrong with my Link?!" She landed on top of his chest and pulled on his tunic with her petite hands. "Everything was going great at dinner until this guy showed up claiming to be Zelda's betrothed. When Link heard who he was, he fainted! He's dead like a doornail!" Link's buddy clarified for the faerie. "WHAT?! He died of shock! My love is dead!" she wailed almost as dramatically as Zelda had done earlier. "My only reason why I wake up in the morning is dead!" "Calm down!" Impa stated. "He's not dead!" Navi walked up to Link's forehead and pulled one of his eyelids open. His eyes were rolled back into his skull, triggering everyone to gasp. "He's dead for sure!" screamed the faerie. "And it's all her fault!" She pointed an accusing finger at Zelda, who was now standing sheepishly in Link's doorway. "He's dead?!" The princess pushed past Impa and her father and knelt down at his bedside. "It's not my fault, Navi!" "Yes it is! I always knew you'd put him in an early grave, Zelda. Look what you've done! If you only would've kissed him, this would not have happened!" Aaron frantically began slapping the hero on the cheek. "Come on! Wake up! You're gonna let someone else marry your woman?!" "I'm not marrying Poopsalot, for the last freaking time!" Zelda screeched, fed up. "I'm not marrying him!!" Impa laid her hands gently on the princess' shoulders. "You don't have to marry him." "You might as well marry him, because you killed the only other man you could've married, you bitch!" Navi further condemned the royal Hylian. "Now I won't be able to have a torrid affair with Link because of you!" "Enough!" the king shouted. "It's so loud in here, it's a wonder Link hasn't awakened yet!" "Goddammit, dude! Don't leave me alone with these assholes!" With one final slap from the desperate Aaron, Link groggily opened his eyes. "Dude, you ain't dead!" "Ouch...my head. What the hell happened?" "Link!" Navi began to cover his face with her tiny kisses. "You're alive!" "Thank God!" Zelda, surprising even herself, hugged him as he went to sit up. He liked that. He liked that very much. Greedily he hugged her back as Navi buzzed above his head. "How are you feeling, Link?" the king questioned. "I've never seen someone go out cold so fast!" "Yeah dude, it was kinda funny." Aaron was no help. "I remember standing up...and this...Renaissance faire reject entered the room and announced that he...he...was...Zelda's betrothed." He stared blankly at the princess. "Oh, shit." Meanwhile, Poopsalot was impatiently waiting in the dining room. "I say, what's keeping them so long? Don't they realize they've got a lonely knight of Hyrule down here?" He walked up to Zelda's plate and took a sample of her mashed potatoes. "Yum! The food here is exquisite! Much better than the gruel Ganon fed me, that is, if he fed me at all!" The tension upstairs was mounting. "Who the hell is that guy?" Link hissed as he allowed Zelda to fix his hair and trademark green sock/hat. "That's Sir Poopsalot, a Royal Knight of Hyrule. He was one of the best warriors I had until you showed up." the king of Hyrule explained. "The last I heard of him, he had been captured by Ganon. I assumed that our arch-nemesis had him executed, or sent off to Sumatra, like he usually does to our captives." "How did he end up back here?" "Ganon must've let him go." ...Ganon... Link angrily thought. ...That pig just loves to mess with me. He probably set Poopsalot free on purpose just to make my existence even more miserable. I'll fry his bacon one of these days for good, but first I've got to show that arrogant prick who's boss!... "What are you going to do about Poopsalot, Link?" Zelda sweetly inquired. She really wanted to squeeze him until his eyes popped out, but satisfied herself by resting her head on his lap. "Yeah, that dude blew up your spot." Aaron interjected. "That's almost as bad as getting served." "I'm...I'm gonna fuck him up!" the Hero of Time snarled. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the sides of the bed. He was fuming. He was livid. He was terribly, terribly vexed! "Bravo!" Zelda's father encouraged. "You do just that!" Everyone in the room began to edge Link on. "Take no prisoners, dude!" "Link, I don't want to marry that douchebag! I only want to be with yo--my cat!" "Take your Master Sword and ram it up his ass, sweetie! I'll give you more kisses later!" Impa leaned in close to the hero's face and commanded in a frighteningly serious tone, "Kill him. Kill him NOW!" Hyrule's favorite elf sprung up from his bed and headed out the door to confront his new nemesis. Ganon wasn't looking so bad anymore compared to the likes of Poopsalot. The knight had made himself comfortable in the dining room by taking a seat and putting his feet up on the table. A half-empty plate rested on him as he picked at whatever was on it. "Ah, such wonderful living accommodations! I shall truly like it here! Only if I can land a room with a view. That would be splendid! ...Oh my, he looks perturbed." In charged Link, with his fists to his sides and a look of death upon his handsome face. He wasn't playin'. The unwelcome guest stood up to face his adversary. "Who in Din's name do you think you are?" "I'll tell you for the last time! I'm Sir Poopsalot, dammit!" "I know that! I mean where the hell did you come from?" "...You must be Bink, the hero of the legends... I've seen better." "The name's 'Link'. I'm the protector of the Triforce, all of Hyrule, and of the fair Princess Zelda. I'm the Hero of Time of legend, the wielder of the Master Sword, and a descendant of the Knights of Hyrule. Basically here, I'm God." "That's quite a resume, Bink, but are you the suitor of Princess Zelda, like I am?" From behind Link emerged the princess, Impa, Aaron, and the king. They all watched quietly as the hero addressed the knight. They all knew Link was enraged. It was bound to be one hell of a fight! "What does it matter? Zelda can marry whoever she wants." "Ah, you think so?" "You're only here because Ganon let you out, otherwise you'd still be rotting in that dungeon. I've traversed through...through...hundreds of dungeons just like that before. I do not see you as a challenge." "Is that a threat, Bink? You may have me beaten when it comes to heroics, but when it comes to the lady's heart, you have met your match." Laughter erupting from the group behind Link helped ease the suspense. "Is that a threat?" the Hero of Time smirked. "If you wish, so be it!" Poopsalot daintily removed one of his gloves and approached Link. "I accept your challenge!" Then he slapped the hero across the face with it. Zelda and Impa sucked in long breaths of air. Aaron gritted his teeth. Link cooly faced the knight, acting like the slap didn't phase him, while in actuality his cheek was stinging. ...I'll get the mother fucker for that!... Sneering the entire time, he slowly imitated Poopsalot by taking off one of his gauntlet- covered gloves. The egotistical knight raised an eyebrow when he saw what Link was doing. ...Oh my, this is going to hurt!... "Ditto!" Link, with all of his might, smacked Poopsalot so hard across the face with the gauntlet that it caused the knight to stagger and fall onto the dining room table. The small crowd in back of him cheered wildly. "And the name's 'Link'! Remember it, because you'll be screaming it later!" Once Poopsalot was rendered unconscious, Link walked Zelda back up to her room for the evening. They both took a seat on her bed, unsure of where to even start. "Heh, what a day. I fired arrows at Aaron's head, almost got raped by a crazy ranch-girl, got knocked out by the words of an arrogant ass, and smacked across the face!" "Yeah, this is definitely a day for the record books." Zelda forced a smile. "I still can't get over all the crazy shit that happened today. How are you feeling, Link?" "I've been better." "Thank you so much for standing up to Poopsalot like that. You really served him." "What else was I supposed to do? Let him talk to you like that? I can't believe your father's letting him stay here for a while." "Don't worry, he's sticking him in the part of the castle with the most asbestos in it." "That's good." "Hey Link...?" "Yes?" "There's something I wanted to talk to you about." She remembered what she had told Impa earlier, about how she wanted to take Link aside and confess her feelings for him. After the insane events of that day, she figured now was the best time to tell him. Besides, the yearning in her loins was only getting worse. "What is it, Zelda?" "It's about...about...Aaron's archery." ...Aw, shit! There I go again, chickening out! Shit! Shit! Shit!.. Link seemed surprised at what she had to say. "What about it?" "I, er...remember the time you tried to teach me how to shoot an arrow?" "Yeah..." Link giggled. "You weren't very good at it." *******FLASHBACK! FIVE YEARS AGO!!! WEEEE-WOOOO!!******* 'Twas another magical day in Hyrule. Princess Zelda was outside, tending her flower garden, as Link practiced his archery nearby. It had been five years to the day since Link first arrived at the castle, but yet it only seemed like five days ago to Zelda. By now, Link was way passed the point of being just friends with Zelda. He wanted more. What else do normal fifteen year old boys think about twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week? They're horny and stupid all the time. There was one fact he was positive of, that's for sure. He loved her, but it was beyond his wildest wet dreams that she'd ever love him back. Taking a break from his archery, he looked over at her. She was so adorable in her fancy little day dress, with her curves. ...Wow, she's come a long way since ten years old. Heh, so have I... he told himself, inspecting her as she picked her daisies. ...Look at her. Picking flowers..daisies nonetheless. So girly. So proper. Time to teach her a real sport... "Hey, Zelda!" he called. She looked up and turned her head. "Yes?" "Come here!" "Why?" "Just listen to me. Come here!" "Very well." Zelda put down her shovel and joined Link in the archery range. "What?" "I'm gonna show you how to shoot an arrow." "Oh no! I don't do stuff like that!" "Why not?" "Because, it's not proper for a princess to do." "Zelda, that's bullshit, and you know it!" He waved the bow he was holding in front of her eyes. They seemed to follow Link's lead. "Aren't you in the least bit curious?" "Well..." she began, focusing on the boy's equipment. ...Looks heavy. I might break a nail... "Of course you're interested! Let me show you. It's always good for a girl to know how to defend herself in these dangerous times, when strong heros such as myself aren't around." "Don't flatter yourself, hero." the princess smirked, folding her arms. "Heh, okay, fine." Chuckling, he handed the bow over to her. "It's a left-handed bow, so you may have bit of a problem, but this is just for practice." "This thing's heavy." she bitched. "You'll get used to it. Now here, take the arrow." He handed her an arrow. "String it up." "Pardon?" "Nock it." "Nock?" "Yup." "You mean like 'nock' as in 'knock on the door'?" Link shook his head, trying his best to hold in a laugh. "No! Not 'knock!' Nock! String it!" He loved her to death, but it was obvious she could be quite the airhead sometimes. "But I don't know how." she simply said. "This is new to me, remember? I'm not familiar with such terminology." ...He probably thinks I'm an airhead. Jerk! I'll show him 'airhead'!! I can read Chaucer in complete Middle English!... "Here, I'll show you." He stood behind her and directed, "Now hold it up." She obeyed. Then he fixed her hand, showing her how to properly string the arrow to the bow. Zelda noticed how much physical contact they were having. Him rubbing up behind her...their fingers entwined... "Now, you've got to aim." he gently said into her ear. "O-Okay." "Wait. You're standing on an angle. You've got to stand like this." Link placed his hands on her hips, maneuvering her body into the correct position. Both were getting rather randy. Zelda couldn't believe it. Link moved his hands back up to the bow again, where their fingers twined together for a second time. "Keep steady. Aim..." His voice was barely a whisper by this point, as he could barely contain himself. ...Oh sweet Jesus, I'm so close to her. This is almost sinful. I...I...better control myself. I never knew archery could be so...erotic!... Poor Zelda was having a hard time concentrating. Her head was crowded with thoughts she never had before. Thoughts she had never fathomed. Thoughts about him. A chill ran up her spine as he told her "aim" in such a sexy way. He might as well have said "strip!" and would've gotten the same reaction out of her. When his hands went on her hips, her mouth went dry. As their bodies pressed tightly together, her mind raced. ...This is insane! I'm...I'm sexually attracted to someone...but it's Link! The same boy I flick boogers with is making me get all squishy! No, I must deny it! I must deny these carnal urges of mine. I'm only fifteen. Lunaretine, you pervert, stop it! Stop it, I say!! Don't make me feel like this!! Don't make me! ...Oh...I like it. This freaking sucks!... She felt Link's hot breath on her ear as they held onto the bow, and allowed her eyelids to flutter a bit. "L-Link, what am I supposed to do again?" "Aim." His answer came slowly, sending more of his hot breath onto her ear. He didn't even notice that his free hand had slipped itself around her waist, pulling her closer. ...She feels so good. Dear Din, I'd give my left nut to be with her. Er, no I wouldn't do that. I need my nuts. I'd give my left kidney to be with her! I only need one of those! I'm gonna become a man tonight!!... "Just keep steady..." he repeated for effect. And what an effect it had! "I'm aiming..." She was almost breathless. "Good." ...Oh no! Not now!!!!... "Okay." ...What is that pressing up against me? It's jabbing me in the butt!... Link began to panic. ...Shit, I've got a hard-on! She can probably feel it! Why do I have to be cursed like every other teenage boy my age by getting excited over the slightest things?! Smooth, Link! Real smooth!... He suddenly moved away from her. His reaction startled the princess. "What's wrong?" She was upset that their naughty behavior had abruptly come to a close. "Did I do something?" "....No. Just shoot the arrow." "Sure." She let go of the string, sending the arrow skyward. It missed its target by forty feet, but it did not matter. The tension built between them was well worth it. Link backed away some more, nervously covering his crotch with his hands the entire time. "What's wrong, hero?" "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" "You sure? Your eyes are bugging out." "Yeah, I'll be fine!" His voice cracked. "You don't look so good all of a sudden. Your face is all pale." "I-It is?" Link was mortified. ...Pale? That's because all the blood in my body is somewhere else, and it's NOT my brain!... "Link, why are your eyes rapidly looking around like that?" "They are?" "Yes. And why are your hands covering your-" "Hold on, I'll be right back! Just keep practicing." "Want me to come with you?" "NO! Um...I mean, no thank you, I'll be fine." He then ran off toward the castle and disappeared inside. Zelda just brushed aside his peculiar mannerisms and started to shoot arrows for the rest of the afternoon. *****PRESENT DAY, WEEEE-WOOOO!!!!!****** Grown up Link and Zelda were now left staring hungrily at each other in the princess' bedroom. No further words were exchanged after the flashback ended. Both were left speechless, with an unquenchable desire for the other. Link edged closer. So did Zelda. "Archery's fun, isn't it?" he smiled, leaning his head closer to hers. "It is. I never thanked you for introducing me to such a...tantalizing sport." She pressed her forehead against his. They could taste each other's breath, fully aware that it was only a matter of seconds before they gave in to their lust. "You don't have to thank me." "Oh, but I do." Her fingers dug into his shoulders. His arms cunningly wrapped themselves around her form. "Link, is it hot in here?" "No, it's just you." "Oh." With that, he forced himself on top of her, sending Zelda onto her back. She urged him nearer, begging for him to kiss her. "Kiss me, you fool." "My thoughts exactly..." He went in for the kill, but just before their lips could touch... "Great Nayru! I'm so sorry to have interrupted your interlude!" HA HA! I FOOLED YOU, DEAR READER! A familiar voice from out of nowhere caused Link to instantly pull away from Zelda. He moved so fast that he rolled off of her and onto the floor. The princess shot up and adjusted her heaving bosom, which had managed to partially escape its corset prison. Heh, they had been caught by none only than her father and an aghast Poopsalot. "D-Daddy! I didn't expect you here!" "Neither did I..." Link grumbled, getting to his feet. "I was just about to leave, your Highness." "Don't worry about it! I was just showing our unexpected guest here around the castle, since I've granted him a brief period of sanctuary here." "Your father's so nice!" the knight beamed. "Relax. I didn't say I liked you." the monarch interjected. "I thought I'd show him the tower, and well, we found you here!" "Splendid." Zelda said, wrinkling her nose. "We...er...were just...um...." Link made a bad attempt at trying to explain to the king what he was doing on top of his daughter. "...Good night!" He promptly exited the room, squeezing between the king and Poopsalot. He ignored the metro-sexual. "What an unusual character that Twink is!" "It's 'Link!!'" The Hero of Time screamed from the bottom of the staircase before departing for his bedroom. Zelda forced a small smile. "Daddy, I'm tired. I'll be calling it quits for the night." "Very well, sweetheart. I shall speak with you in the morning. Good-night." "'Night, Daddy." The king vanished from her doorway. "And good-night, fair princess!" Poopsalot waved at her like Miss America to a crowd after winning her crown. "I shall dine with thee in the morning!" She stared back at him emotionlessly. He felt like a tool. "Um, night!" He dashed after her father, catching up with him at the bottom of the stairs. "Your Majesty, may I inquire about that boy Stink?" "You mean Link." "Yes, whatever." "Well, what about him?" The two men walked down the hallway to an isolated part of the castle. Poopsalot swore he saw a bat fly overhead as he addressed the king. ...Good God! Where is he taking me?! I hope it's not haunted! I'm afraid of the dark!... "Are him and your daughter involved?" "You mean romantically?" "Yes." "No, but I wish they were!" At first the knight felt a rush of relief, then felt his jaw clench as he listened to the king's enthusiasm. "I-I beg your pardon?" "Well, Link's a great young man! He's handsome, brave, and has the hots for my baby girl!" The pudgy ruler rubbed elbows with Poopsalot. "He's also legendary!" "But what about me?!" "...I wish my silly daughter would give into Link soon. They'd make such cute children!" "Huh?!" "I mean, after all that boy does for her, he deserves some lovin'!" "Oh my God!-" "My daughter should open 'em up wide for him!" "YOUR HIGHNESS!-" "Yup, do the old 'horizontal mambo' with him!" "SIRE!" "...Really blow the roof off the castle!" "YOUR MAJESTY!" the young knight screamed, horrified at what the king was saying about his own child. "I beg you to stop! I am flabbergasted about how you speak of your daughter! I get the point!" "...Oh, I'm sorry. But to make a long story short, I want my Zelda to marry Link." "But what about our promise?" "What about our promise?" The king led Poopsalot to a door down some long scary corridor somewhere. "I'll see you in the morning." "These are to be my quarters?" "Got a problem?" "Er, no. The bats and spider-webs add to the ambiance." "So does the asbestos!" "Asbestos?" "And not to mention the ghost!" "...I think I'll take a walk outside before retiring for the evening." "Very well. Enjoy your stay. Try not to get lost!" A hearty laugh later, the king waddled off into the bowels of the palace. Poopsalot retraced his steps and found an exit leading to the castle's courtyard. The words of the monarch echoed in his mind. ...Hmpf. He wants Zelda to marry that twit Dink. I've got some serious competition here. I don't want that gauntlet-to-the-face from earlier let Stink think he's got the upper hand. I am far superior! Ah-ha!... While musing to himself, he thought he noticed the Hero of Time standing on his balcony, staring off into space. ...There he is! Time to give him a piece of my mind, while it's just the two of us!... "You there! Boy!" he cried, running to stand underneath Link's window. The hero looked down and rolled his eyes. "Yes, you keep looking, Twink! I've got something to tell you! You listen, boy. You are I are clearly not going to get along. You dress in freaky colored tunics, and I dress in fine Italian silk! From this moment on, you and I are engaged in a battle for Princess Zelda's heart! Just because you've saved the universe doesn't mean that I am no match for you! You and I are now eternal enemies, locked in a battle of wits and strength. May the best man win, Stink! What do you have to say to that?" And then Poopsalot felt something wet hit him square in the eye. When he went to feel it, it was slimy and gross. Link was grinning widely at him. At once, it dawned upon the knight that Link had hocked a loogie right on him. "Fine then, you uncouth beast! Let it be war between us!" |
Ah-ha, and there's Chapter Twelve! Did it tickle your fancy? Onto Chapter Thirteen! |
My eyes are liquefying! Bring me back to the Legend of Zelda Intro Page! |
