In the words of Jean Valjean: Bring me home!
The Legend of Zelda Intro Page!
I've been playing too much Ocarina of Time: Master Quest lately. Blame that for this chapter taking so long to complete! Here's Chapter 14!
                                                  Chapter Thirteen: Right Between the Eyes
          It was the morning after Sir Poopsalot's debut, and life was trying to get back to normal at Hyrule Castle. Wait, did I just use the word "normal"? What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing is normal in Hyrule! Ok, you get my drift. Up in the castle tower,  Princess Zelda slumbered peacefully, snuggled between her heart decorated Ikea sheets and Rainbow Bright comforter. The horror of the previous night eluded her dreams, leaving her to fantasize about her favorite heroic elf in his dandy white tights. She did not stir until a beam of sunlight shone through her window, rudely awakening her.
          "Stupid sun..." she mumbled, sitting up. "I had just gotten to a good part in my dream." A knock at her door pissed her off even further. "Goddamit, who the hell is that?"
          Only the king and Impa were allowed to disrupt her so early in the morning . Hell, even Link wasn't stupid enough to do that, and he's done a lot of stupid shit already in this story. Zelda looked down and quickly surveyed herself. She had fallen asleep in the dress she wore the night before and her make-up was smeared all over her face. Don't you hate it when that happens, ladies?
          Not in the mood to be bothered, she shrugged and threw the covers off.
          "Who is it?" she called. "Who dares to knock at my chamber door?"
          No response.
          "Link, are you playing hide-and-seek with Navi again?"
          Nothing.
          "Jesus Christ-"
           Before she could get up and answer it, Sir Poopsalot barged in dressed like some medieval freak. Zelda yelped at the sight of him and sprung from her bed.
          "Good morning, my beautiful bride-to-be! I thought it would be splendid to take a walk around Hyrule with you!"
          "Do you have any idea what time it is?" she growled as she put on her pink robe.
          "Hmm..." He looked out her window, then continued. "Judging by the position of the sun, I'd say it's about... 7:03 a.m., roughly."
          "Yes, it's seven in the morning! I'm usually still asleep by this time!"
          "The early bird gets the worm, that's what I always say! By the way, it took me about twenty minutes to find your bedroom. Never mind how long it took me to find the bathroom! I almost defecated in my armor! After all that, you now shun me, Princess?"
          "Yup."
          "Hmpf, very well. I take it that you're refusing my proposal for a morning walk?'
          "Boy, nothing gets by you, does it?"
          The knight frowned, defeated. "Fine. I shall see you at breakfast."
          Zelda watched him exit. She darted over to the door and slammed it in his wake.
          "And don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." she growled. The chirping of some birds outside her window caught her attention. "Stupid birds!" Angrily, she stomped over to her window and began yelling, "Can't I get any sleep around--Ohh...now that's a sight I don't mind seeing so early in the morning..."
          Outside in the courtyard, the Hero of Time was setting up his archery equipment. The hot, humid late spring weather had caused Link to shed his tunic, thus leaving him without an ounce of clothing above the waist. Zelda whimpered at the way the sun glistened off his incredibly toned torso. She just wanted to lick him, but since she couldn't, she licked her lips instead, getting a taste of her own cotton candy flavored lip gloss.
          ...Great Din, what a body on that goon. Where the hell did he get such a six-pack stomach from? Ohhh...just looking at the way the muscles move in his back is enough to get me squishy. Aw, he's got a few scars on him, but that's so hot. Everyone knows how chicks dig scars, and I'm no exception. Link, why did you have to grow up to be such a hunk? Hm, wonder why he's up so early. Probably couldn't sleep either. Maybe I should go down there and offer him a back rub...
          Buzzing around Link's head was his guardian faerie, Navi. Zelda couldn't make out what she was babbling about, but her high-pitched squeak of a voice was audible enough for the princess to distinguish. Listening to that at seven in the morning must've been enough to drive Link to some early target practice. The Hylian snob continued to watch from her perch, oblivious to the fact that Sir Poopsalot had reentered her bedroom.
          "Your Highness, I can't find my way back to my quarters!"
          "Ack!" Zelda squealed, infuriated that he had walked in on her for the second time that day. Actually, she was more teed off that he interrupted her "let's ogle over Link" session. "Do you want me to draw you a damn map?!"
          "That would be wonderful!"
          "I was only kidding."
          "What were you looking so intently at?"
          "Huh?"
          "Out the window?"
          "Oh," She smiled to herself. "I was just admiring the view."
          "And what a view you must have up here!" He joined her next to the window and peered outside.
          "Excuse me! You're in my bedroom uninvited! What kind of chivalrous knight are you?"
          "...Admiring the view, huh?" The knight turned to Zelda. "Does Zink usually go out this early?"
          "Not usually." She folded her arms and returned to her bed, where she sat down. ...Shit! How the hell am I gonna get rid of this douche?! Didn't he notice how I was foaming at the mouth over Link? Ack!! I even admitted it! Stop it, Zelda! Stop it!! Block out the voices!! They're all going to laugh at you!!...
          "No matter, he's nothing but an annoying ant on the grand picnic that is my life." Poopsalot, ignoring Zelda, took a seat in the chair next to her mirror and looked around the room. "My, I can't wait until we share this room one day!" he marveled.
          "We won't be sharing anything together!" she sternly said. ...Unless if it's a highly contagious and fatal disease, where Link will risk his life to find me a cure and you'll just die and your skull will become a home for a family of lice-ridden mice...
          "It's going to be spectacular, Zelda! Just you wait! It'll be just us and our eight childrenall boys, of course. No flimsy girls. Our boys will grow up to be strong, just like their father! And if we have a girl, we'll send her off to finishing school and that'll be that! ...Zelda, are you listening?"
          "Nope." She suddenly felt compelled to look out the window again. Getting up, she headed back over to her now favorite spot and fixed her gaze on the courtyard. Luckily, Link was still there, sexy as ever, firing off arrows at an alarming rate.
          "Zelda, how rude! Is this the way you treat your future husband?"
          "No, I'd treat him much nicer." The princess momentarily tore her eyes off Link to smirk at Poopsalot, who clearly did not like her sauciness.
          "Bah! You talk like that now, but soon, you'll change your tune!" He rose to his feet and waved his fist around in the air like he had authority or something. "...Is that waffles I smell? Breakfast-time! See you, Princess!" In a flash, Poopsalot had vanished out the door.
          "Piss off..." Zelda grumbled under her breath. "Back to spying on Link!"
          Eagerly, she continued her stalker-like behavior. ...Damn, I'd rather eat him for breakfast, or maybe he'd let me lick it off his chest. I just want to bite into him!  He's firing those arrows really fast. Hit quite a few bull's eyes too. He should go on all of his adventures shirtless. I think I'm turning into goo. Aw shit, I've been spotted!!...
          Navi the faerie, apparently perturbed about how Link was ignoring her, caught sight of Zelda in her window and flew up to greet, or rather scream at, the princess.
          "I saw you eyeing my Link!" the roach barked, doing circles around Zelda's head. "You've got that arrogant prick now, so leave me and Link alone!"
          "Shut up, Navi. I hate Poopsalot just as much as you do!"
          "What a pity." She faced Link's direction again and sighed. "Why don't you go downstairs and say something to him? If you can't already tell, he's pissed."
          "Probably hoping that some early morning target practice will blow off some steam." ...Link, I'd just like to blow you. That was just too easy. Why'd I even bother saying it? Oh, but I want to so badly!!!...
          "Yeah, that was the idea." Navi and Zelda both paused to stare at the Hero of Time for a few more minutes. Conversation resumed after Link started to pack up his equipment.
           "Dammit Zelda, you've got the power to go down there and do whatever you want to him! It gets me so angry that you just leave him hanging!" Navi wrinkled her nose at her own comment. "Well, it's not like you ever leave him hanging."
          "That was crude."
          "But oh so true."
          "I don't think anything you or I can say will make Link feel better."
          "That's bullshit!" Navi yelled in Zelda's face, her voice jumping up like ten octaves. The princess swore she heard what sounded like glass shattering from somewhere in the castle at the sound. "You mean to tell me you can't think of something to say that'll make him cheer up?! Scared to get the wood burning, Zelda? Afraid that your little blonde brain would explode if you thought that hard?!"
          "Shut the hell up, you crazy parasite! Do you want Link to hear you?"
          "Fine, I'll whisper then." the faerie huffed, but in fact did the exact opposite. "It's all your fault why he's like this! If that arrogant prick didn't show up on your behalf, Link would be fine!" She then shook her head and added, "Actually, he'd still be depressed, but it would have nothing to do with Poopsalot!"
          "It wasn't my fault Sir Crapsalot returned! I had no idea who he even was!"
          "That's 'Poopsalot!'" Mr. Arrogant Prick interjected from somewhere.
          "Fuck you!" the ladies screamed in unison.
          "Very well then!" came his cheery reply.
          Zelda disregarded him. "Anyway, I didn't know that asshole was going to come back! My daddy thought he died or got sent to Sumatra or something! Get off my ass, Navi!"
          "That's what I hate about you, Zelda!! Wait, I hate a lot of things about you, but this is what I really hate about you! Just give into your carnal urges already, goddamn you! Quit being such a pretentious bitch!"
          "What?!" the princess shrieked, not caring if Link overheard. "Go choke on a dust-ball, you flying infection! As a matter of fact, go find some flypaper to get suck onto and die, okay?"
          "I hate you!" Navi snatched a lock of Zelda's long blonde hair and began to tug on it. "And I bet you're not a natural blonde!!"
          "Shit!" The Hylian grabbed her pint-sized foe and began to shake her wildly, but that didn't stop the faerie! The bitch had a taste for blood!  "Stop that before I rip off your wings and fry you under a magnifying glass!!"
          "Eeeeeeekkkk!!!"
          "Meow!" a male voice jokingly echoed. The girls stopped their quarreling and looked in the direction from where the sound emanated from. It came from the courtyard. "Catfight!"
          "What are you laughing at, Link?!" his faerie yelped, pushing Zelda's hand away. "She started it!"
          "Huh? Liar!" the princess hissed.
          "Heh, looking good, Princess!" the hero quipped, supporting his comment with a whistle.
          "Er, I..." ...You don't look so bad yourself, hero... "Thank you."
          "Hey!" Aaron, Link's little buddy, entered the courtyard and joined his mentor. "Dude, you're up early. Did your morning coffee give you the shakes or something?"
          "Just thought I'd get some early morning practice in." The Hero of Time then paused to look his friend over. Apparently, the teenager had taken a cue from Link and opted to go shirtless too. Unfortunately for him, the look didn't suit him as well as it did for our hero. "Er, Aaron..."
          "What?"
          "................."
          "...Not a good look for me yet?"
          Link silently shook his head negatively.
          "C'mon!" Aaron looked up at the ladies in the window. "What do you girls think?"
          "You've got man-boobs!" Navi squealed, cackling heavily.
          "I do not!"
          "No, you've got backne!" Zelda joined in for shits n' giggles. In case if you didn't know, dear readers, I did not just invent a word there. Back + Acne= Backne. See, who said pointless fan-fiction wasn't educational? You learn something new every day.
          "No I don't!!" the boy wailed. "Quit giving me a complex! You're going to make me even more pathetic than Link!"
          "That's not even possible!" the Hero of Time caught himself saying before he stopped to think about what the hell he had just said. "...Wait a minute. That's not right."
          "Fine, I'll put my tunic back on! I hate you all!"
          "When you get the 'hero package' you can go without a shirt, Aaron. For now, keep eating those Wheaties!" the faerie shouted from her seat on Zelda's windowsill.           
          "Mmm, Wheaties!" Aaron tapped Link on the arm. "Let's go grab some grub, dude. Maybe Impa made us some Pop-Tarts!"
          "Sounds good!" Link swung his bow over his shoulder and looked up at his two favorite girls in the window. "Joining us for breakfast?"
          "Maybe later. I'm going to catch up on some sleep." Zelda stretched her arms. "That Poopsalot douche woke me up at the asscrack of dawn."
          "Ah-hem!" cried that same douche. The knight crawled out from under the rock he had been hiding and stalked over to Link and Aaron in the courtyard. "I would like to say something in my defense, your Highness. I am not a 'douche'. I'll have you know I do not use feminine cleansing products on my nether-regions!"
          "Ugh! Go to hell!" The princess angrily slammed her window shut and vanished from sight.
          "No, you're more like a prick." the Hero of Time casually interjected.
          "I'd go more along the lines of a giant phallus." Aaron smiled.
          Sir Poopsalot turned to address the infidels with the authority of a drill sergeant who looked like he was battling a massive case of excess gas in his lower intestines. Wow, that was some colorful lingo there. Think I should write Hallmark cards? "....Zink, I will chose to ignore the comments you and your little man-servant made about me just now. Instead, I'd like to extend the olive branch."
          "...Man-servant?" Link muttered to himself as he and Aaron exchanged puzzled glances. ...This asshole manages to piss me off with just his mere presence. I'd like to take that olive branch and stick it up his ass!! Even better yet, I'd love to sent my hookshot up there!...
          "Bink, how about you and I...become pals?"
          "Pals?" The hero raised an eyebrow. ...Pals?!! I want to use his spine as a back scratcher!...
          "Yes, pals. We're both men of valor. Two strong warriors such as ourselves must have numerous battle stories to tell. How about we go take a walk? I'll tell you all about my adventures and you'll just listen." Poopsalot noticed Link wasn't impressed with his suggestion. "Oh, and you can bring your little man-servant with us too. Hmm, he's more actually like your boy-servant. Isn't that cute? He's like a mini-you!"
          "How about I ram my iron boot right up your"
          Aaron quickly cut his mentor off, "What Link means to say is that he's not interested. You can go off and frolic and prance in the meadow all by yourself, okay?"
          "Hmpf!" The knight was offended. Hell, if I were him, I'd be offended just by my name. I guess I'd be a constipated prick too if I had to go through life named after the act of defecation. "I was just being honest! I guess honesty isn't the best policy!"
          "No, being a douche isn't the best policy." Link growled as he put on his trademark white undershirt and green tunic.
          The "man-servant" had to stifle in a laugh. ...Link, that was just awesome. Sometimes you amaze me, dude. I so want to follow in your footsteps one day...but I don't want to be a pathetic twenty year old virgin. Hey, everything else about you is cool though! You'll score with Zelda someday, Link! Rock on!!!...
          "By Jove! Your vulgarity shocks and awes me! I feel like I need a turpentine bath just after speaking with you. Anyway...tomorrow is Hyrule's annual archery contest, followed by a Medieval Times dinner, complete with scantily clad wenches. The king was telling me about it. I heard it's lovely!" Poopsalot began. Link rolled his eyes. "Are you thinking of competing, Stink? I heard you're undefeated. I'd like to change that."
          "Count me in, bitch." the Hero of Time replied, grinding his teeth together.
          "Link's gonna open a can of whoop-ass on you, Sir Shitsalot!" Aaron boasted. "He's gonna send your gay behind back to Ganon's castle, ya heard?"
          "Bah!" Poopsalot hissed. Bah bah, black sheep! "Then I shall see you at the archery range tomorrow!" With that, the knight dramatically tossed his white cape to his side and whirled around in one graceful motion. "I'm spent!"
          The poopy-challenged arrogant prick exited the scene. Just before Link could string up an arrow and send it straight up Poopsalot's buttocks, Aaron took him by the arm and began to drag him towards the castle kitchen. "C'mon, dude. Let the fragrant smell of smore Pop-Tarts calm the beast within..."
          "I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him until he's dead!!" ...He's SO on my Shit List!!!!...
          Link's protegee had to practically drag him across the courtyard to get him back into the castle. When they were almost there, our hero's nostrils caught a whiff of the yummy breakfast treats Impa had cooked up and scooted into the kitchen. Aaron shrugged and followed. Upon entering, the pair was greeted by the elderly nursemaid, was holding a tray of fresh Pop-Tarts in one hand and a glass with her dentures in the other.
          "Greetings, boys!" She smiled a gummy smile. It caused Link and Aaron to cringe. "Did I forget to put my teeth in again?"
          "Y-Yes." they stuttered, trying their best not to stare at her. ...Christ... Link thought. ...That's so gross. It makes my skin crawl! It's almost as gross as Ganon's Bea Arthur obsession!...
          Meanwhile, up on Death Mountain, Ganon was spying on his favorite elf through the Crackerjack Box of Doom.
          "BLAST!!! WHAT DOES THAT FOOL HAVE AGAINST BEA?! DAMN YOU, MR. LEFTY! BEA IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!!"
          Anyway...back in the Hyrule Castle kitchen, Impa had put in her teeth while Link and Aaron munched away on smore and strawberry Pop-Tarts. No, I'm not schilling for Kellogs here. Pop-Tarts is the breakfast of champions! Er, that and a shot of scotch.
          "How do you feel, Link?" Impa asked.
          "...Could be better."
          "I made those smore ones just for you!" She nudged the tray on the table in his direction. "You had a rough night."
          "Thanks, Impa. At least someone cares about me."
          "Dude, after last night, I'm just glad you didn't kill yourself." Aaron added, not realizing the impact his words had on his mentor. Link stared at him blankly for that comment. "Was it something I said?"
          "............"
          "Good morning, all!" Princess Zelda's impeccable timing saved Aaron's ass.
          "Hello, Princess!" everyone welcomed her. Link tore his eyes away from his breakfast to gaze at Zelda, who was still in her dress from last night.
          ...Sweet merciful crap, just seeing her in that made me feel a zillion times better. Hmm...maybe I can "accidentally" splash some water on her top... Oh, how cruel! I don't think the king and his entire army would be able to restrain me from pouncing on her then!! Link, have you resorted to juvenile tactics to score? Why yes, yes you have...
          "I thought you were going back to sleep, Zelda." Link said, trying his best to avert his eyes from her bosom, which had managed to peek out from her plunging neckline. ...They have a mind of their own! Kinda like my...er, never mind...
          "Dammit, I couldn't sleep!" she whined, opening up the cabinet to take out her favorite Hello Kitty cereal dish. "That jerk Poopsalot freaks me out. I'm afraid to sleep now! I need to get a deadbolt for my door. He thinks he can just prance into my chambers uninvited!" ...Only Link can do that! Ouch! It's too early in the morning for me to be thinking to myself like this...
          "He certainly is a character." Impa exclaimed. "Earlier he came in here and demanded that I make him banana-nut pancakes with toast. When I asked him if I looked like I worked at IHOP, he scowled and went God knows where."
          "I just want to...to...punch him!" Zelda pounded her dainty fist on the kitchen counter (yes, they had those in medieval times), causing everything on it to rattle. Link raised an eyebrow.
          ...She's getting violent. That turns me on like you wouldn't believe... Well, that and just about anything she does turns me on like you wouldn't believe. Stop kidding yourself, Link. You are one poor bastard...
          "Don't feel so bad, Princess." he told her. "I hate him just as much as you do. He challenged me to the archery contest tomorrow. Would I get disqualified if I shot him with an arrow right between the eyes?"
          "If anyone else did it, yes. But if you did it, no."
          "Oh, splendid!"
          From out of nowhere ran in a frantic servant. He appeared frazzled! Author's Note: Not to be mistaken with Fraggle, those fuzzy creatures from Fraggle Rock. If anyone else out there remembers this show, I give you mad props.
          "Princess Zelda!" he cried. "Your cat is tangled in the rosebushes again!"
          "My poor kitty!!" Zelda instantly dropped her bowl and darted outside.
          "Link, you should go and help her." Impa directed, picking up after the princess.
          "Yeah Link, go and catch that pussy." Aaron joked with a double entendre. The Hero of Time stood up and smirked to himself.
          ...I'll get that pussy. Oh, and Zelda's cat too. Meow!...
          Aaron flashed Link a thumbs-up. He knew the hero too long to not know what he was thinking. After Link had departed from the kitchen, Impa turned to the teenager.
          "It's about time that boy got some pussy!"
          Shocked shitless at the nursemaid's statement, Aaron sent itty-bitty Pop-Tart pieces flying out of his mouth. Outside, Link walked down the path that lead around the castle wall. It didn't take him long to find Zelda. She was seated next to the Royal Rosebushes, attempting to untangle Miss Snuffles. The cat was totally not cooperating with her.
          "Miss Snuffles, you have to stay still!" Zelda scolded, taking one of the feline's front paws. "I said stay still!"
          "MEOW!" the animal screeched. In cat language that means, "Quit hurting me, you bimbo!!"
          "Miss Snuffles, I can't help you if you keep wriggling around like that!"
          "MEOW! HISS!"
          "Goddamit!!"
          "Need help, Princess?" Link asked, kneeling down next to her.
          "Oh, you surprised me! Yes Link, maybe you can do something, even though I think she hates you more than she hates me." Zelda sat back and let her hero take over.
          "...Thanks. Here, let me try." ...Thank God I've still got my gauntlets on, otherwise this damn cat would probably bite the hell out of me... "C'mon, kitty." He gently placed one hand on Miss Snuffles' back and began to untangle her with the other. Zelda silently watched the interaction. She couldn't understand why her cat stopped struggling at Link's touch, but recoiled  at her own.
          ...Maybe he's got the "magic touch"... Sweet Nayru, do I want to find out what that is! He looks so good, but in a scuzzy way. The bags under his eyes aren't helping either...yet he still manages to turn me on! Squeee!!!...
          "There you go, kitty. All free." Link forced a smile. Then the cat did something it never did beforeact nice to him. With great gratitude, it rubbed her head excitedly against his hand, demanding to be stroked.
          "Aw, she's grown fond of you." Zelda sweetly said. ...Can you stroke another part of my anatomy like that?...
          "Yeah, well at least someone around here appreciates me."
          "Link, that isn't true! Don't say things like that."
          Miss Snuffles turned her attention towards her mistress, who continued to rub her behind the ears.
          "I don't know, Zelda." Link sat down, rested his back against the castle wall and sighed. "I'll make it no secret. I feel very underappreciated."
          "Link, you have so many people here who care for you. My father, Impa, Aaron...Navi, that annoying roach...and of course, me." she softly reassured him. The "me" part came out in almost a whisper, but it was enough for him to hear.
          "You really mean that Zelda?"
          "I guess."
          The Hero of Time's eyes widened. She quickly corrected herself.
          "Of course I do, Link! Don't be a tard!"
          "Well if you put it that way..." he chuckled. Zelda took this opportunity to move closer to him. He welcomed her advances. The majority of you readers should enjoy this part, because I know many of you eat it up when I make warm, squishy moments between the pair. For the rest of you, you may want to break out the vomit bags. Then again, you all know how I end these things. Oops, I've said too much! This chapter will self-destruct in fifteen seconds.
          Up on Death Mountain, Hyrule's number one Link and Zelda fan was still spying on them through his magic Crackerjack Box. He had nothing else better to do.
          "AH HA HA! LINK, YOU BETTER GET WHAT'S DUE TO YOU! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC THAT YOU MAKE PAULY SHORE LOOK LIKE A STUD MUFFIN! YOU ARE SO SILLY THAT YOU MAKE PARIS HILTON LOOK LIKE A PARAGON OF MATURITY, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT BLONDE, UNTALENTED LITTLE SLUT! I HATE HER BLONDE BONEY BEHIND EVEN MORE THAN I HATE ZELDA'S BLONDE BONEY BEHIND! THAT BITCH HAS THE WORST CASE OF LAZY-EYE I'VE EVER SEEN!"
          Ganon's rant was interrupted by loud banging on the opposite side of his wall. It was his tired minions. "Can you shut the hell up in there?! Your maniacal raving is getting old!"
          "...Sorry. I forget how thin these walls are."
          Back to the Hylian duo!
          "Zelda?"
          "Yes, Link?"
          "Remember last night?"
          "I beg your pardon?" She felt herself grow nervous and played dumb...not that it was difficult for her to do so.
          "After I slapped Poopsalot, we went back to your room...and then your father came in."
          "Oh yeah..." ...No sense in holding back now, Zelda! Time to tell him what you were planning on telling him last night. Suck it up and be a man!... She shyly giggled. It got Link's plumbing going so badly that he had to bite his lip to prevent himself from giggling too. "Before that, I wanted to talk to you about something."
          "What is it?" On the outside, Link's features remained stern, but on the inside, he was about to shit his tights.
          "Um..." ...Poop! I can't say it now! I should've had a shot of tequila before attempting to say this!...
          To make it easier for her and nicer for himself, he reached out and wrapped his arms around the princess, pulling her closer to him. She followed his lead without objecting, and contented herself by placing her head on his shoulder. He deepened the embrace by closing his legs around her, so she couldn't escape even if she tried. Mwa ha ha!
          "Link, it's about...us."
          "Oh? What about us, Zelda?" He playfully wrapped a lock of her blonde hair around his index finger.
...Smooooth. Just keep acting all cool, Link. Make believe you're not ready to break down and cry like a sissy, although you really, really are...
          "Er, umm...about last night."
          "I remember quite fondly about what happened last night. That asshole Poopsalot showed up and almost singlehandedly ruined the rest of my life."
          "No...after that."
          "Heh, you mean when we were in your bedroom, and we got interrupted...again."
          "Bingo."
          "So what are you trying to say, Zelda?"
          "What I'm trying to say is..." She paused to gaze into his blue eyes. ...Is that Acqua Di Gio on him? Goddamn he smells good! Looks dirty, but smells good! Oh...his Pop-Tart breath makes me want to kiss him even more! I better say something. He's staring at me like I have snot hanging out of my nose or something... "Do I have snot hanging out of my nose or something? Why are you staring at me like that?"
          "No!" Link laughed, sensing her nervousness. "You're just a beautiful sight to stare at." ...What was that, dear readers? Is that the sound people make while picking dried barf chunks off their computer monitors?
          The pair chuckled for a bit to kill the seconds between them. As if they were magnets, their eyes locked again, and the two felt the same strong familiar urges that wake them up in the middle of the night when they're craving some lovin'. The playful mood had gone, and now they were both serious for once.
          "Link?" Zelda's voice had become suddenly breathy. ...Holy crap, when did I turn into Kathleen Turner?!...
          You can say Link startled himself too with his unexpected sexy stud tone. "Yes, Princess?"
          She brought her face closer to his. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. Zelda had to breathe with her mouth open because she had become extremely overheated on the inside. Is it hot in here?
          "This is exactly where we were last night before Daddy walked in..."
          "I've noticed."
          "Do I have to even say the words?"
          "No, I'm not that dense."
          "Good." The two leaned in to tongue each other, but a sudden jab in Zelda's side caused her to pull away a little bit. "Ouch, what is that?"
          Link felt his face grow even hotter than it already was. "Oh jeez, that's embarrassing. I'm sorry, Zelda. Sometimes I can't help myself. I mean, you're so pretty and"
          "No, not that." Without asking, she reached into his satchel and produced a small stone that resembled a puzzle piece. "This. It stuck me when I went to-"
          "Hehe, that's a Kinstone."
          "Where'd you find it?"
          "I tripped over it in Hyrule Castle Town not too long ago."
          "That's funny, because I've got one too." She nonchalantly reached down her corset top and pulled out a piece very similar to Link's. Don't ask me why she had it there. You know how some women keep money under their bra straps? Well, Zelda keeps Kinstones. It didn't matter to Link though, because just the sight of it totally got the spark going again. Without thinking, his grip around her tightened and he rested his chin on her head.
          "...Wanna see if they fit together?" he questioned naughtily. She played along, the entire time having another perverted thought in mind. "I bet our pieces will fit snugly together, Princess."
          "Ohh...if they do, maybe we'll both get lucky..."
          "Sweet Jesus in Heaven, I can only hope..."
          They shakily moved the Kinstones closer to each other, overly eager to see just how damn lucky they'd get. I can't believe I've turned an innocent side quest from The Minish Cap into a debauched treat to arouse Link and Zelda. Someone slap me...but not too hard, because I may enjoy it. All of my nonsensical banter aside, the pair watched intently as their pieces slid effortlessly into place. Without even realizing it, they both whimpered when the stones unified into one solid green Kinstone. 
          "They fit." Zelda whispered into her hero's ear. The princess' warm breath sent a chill up Link's spine, and at that very moment, he thought he lost his virginity.
          "I-I know...so are we going to get lucky?"
          "Link?"
          "Yes?" ...Holy crap is she going to say it?? Is she going to say the words that I've been waiting to hear all my life? Er, not "Congratulations Link, your entire life has been one giant Candid Camera episode", but the other words! Jesus, I think I'm going to have an aneurysm!...
          She placed her hands on his chest, where she could feel his heart racing...and not to mention his sexy muscles. Meow, ladies! In a ragged voice she told him, "Tonight. My room. Bring whipped cream."
          ...Okay... Link thought. ...Those weren't exactly the words I've been waiting almost a decade to hear, but they'll sure as shit do!!...
          "Your wish is my command, Princess. Now, where were we?" They attempted to kiss again until Link felt something rubbing up against his legs. Thinking it was Miss Snuffles, he joked, "Your little kitty just can't wait, huh?"
          "Huh?"
          "Are those your hands then?"
          "No, my hands were wandering up your tunic just now."
          "Then what the hell is?" Link and Zelda were both floored when they caught sight of the uninvited guest who crashed their interlude. "A baby octorok?"
          "Ew!" the princess shrieked. "Kill it!"
          "I'm not going to kill it! He's cute! Maybe he's our prize for uniting the Kinstones."
          The small red octorok stared blankly up at the pair with its huge black eyes. It made some kind of cooing sound, then scooted about a bit with its legs before plopping down in front of Link.
          "Where did it come from?" Zelda snapped. "And why is it in my courtyard?!"
          "It probably got separated from its mommy. I encounter these guys all the time on my adventures, Zelda. They're pretty harmless. You just have to dodge the rocks they spit at your head." Link reached out to touch it, but the octorok backed away. It proceeded to gaze up at him. "Maybe he's lonely."
          "Watch him hit you right in the head, hero."
          Link smirked, yanking Zelda close to him again. "You'd like to see that, wouldn't you?"
          "I have at admit, it would be funny."
          The octorok must've understood Hylian, or whatever language Link and Zelda talk in, because as soon as she said that, the creature hurled a rock right at the Hero of Time's head, where it made quite an impact. Instantly Zelda, and even the octorok in its own little way, began to laugh at Link's misfortune.
          "....That really hurt!" he whined, rubbing the side of his head. "That bastard! Now I'm going to have a mark!"
          "Ohhh I like him now!" The princess, forgetting about her raging lust for Link and her fear of Ganon's underlings, picked up the octorok and held it up to her face. It didn't spit at her or anything, but continued making strange noises that could be compared to a guinea pig squeaking.
          "Thinking of keeping it, Zelda?"
          "I shall call him...Octy."
          "That's nice and creative." Link quickly said as he rolled his eyes. "Anyway, my head is now aching."
          "I'm sure it is..."  Zelda purred. ...Oh, I hope that didn't go right over his head. Judging by the look in his eye, it didn't...
          "You have no idea." He resisted the urge to kiss her. Octy stared at him from Zelda's lap and continued to stare at him until Link turned away. "Er, I'm going to go take a bath." ...Why don't you join me, Zelda? But leave that damn octorok outside!...
          He released the princess from his grip and was just about to stand up before she stopped him.
          "Remember the whipped cream, hero." She placed a kiss on his nose. "There's more where that came from."
          Link felt his eyes bug out. He chuckled like a Catholic schoolgirl while he energetically nodded his head. Shit, he was just glad she didn't go schizo on him like she usually did. "I won't forget!! I'll be there...say around 10-ish?"
          "Perfect." Zelda stood up and cradled Octy. "Bye, Link."
          "Bye..." Link watched as Zelda made her way back into the castle. Miss Snuffles trotted happily behind her mistress, but seemed curious about the odd animal she was holding. ...I hope Octy gets that cat right between the eyes...and I hope I get Zelda right between the legs. Oh! That was so good, Link! If I already wasn't such a loser, I'd give myself a high-five right now! Tonight is going to be soooo amazing! I can't wait to rub Poopsalot's face in it that I'm seeing his precious princess and he's not! Ha! I just served him in my mind! ...That was really lame--Holy shit, it's Ganon!...
          "MWA HAHA! IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU AWOKE FROM YOUR EMPTY THOUGHTS, MR. LEFTY! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DO ANY REAL THINKING ANYWAY!"
          Link was shocked to see Ganon floating horizontally right in front of him. "What the hell are you doing here?!" he shouted, but then lowered his voice. He didn't want anyone else to see the Evil Incarnation of Darkness. "...You haven't fully figured out that warping thing yet, have you?" Link joked, alluding to Ganon's penchant for floating in all different directions except for the right one.
          "SHUT UP! I'M NOT HERE TO EXCHANGE INSULTS WITH YOU, SWINE!"
          "But you just did"
          "I CAME BECAUSE YOUR DITZY PRINCESS JUST STOLE MY PET! THE OCTOROK WAS A FAITHFUL MINION OF MINE! I WANT HIM BACK!"
          Out from the castle meandered Aaron, who for no particular reason, headed over to the Royal Rosebushes where Link was still seated, conversing with the Evil Pig. Fearing for his safety, he hid behind an archway and stared.
          "...That's Ganon? He looks like a ten foot tall Looney Toons character!! Link couldn't have found a better nemesis than that?!"
          Ganon continued to fight with Link over possession of Octy the Octorok.
          "Why the hell am I arguing with you over this?" Link growled. "And furthermore, how did you know Zelda took the octorok?"
          "BECAUSE..." ...BLAST! I CAN'T HAVE HIM KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN SPYING ON HIM THROUGH MY MAGIC CRACKERJACK BOX OF DOOM! QUICK GANON, THINK OF SOMETHING!...
"BECAUSE I JUST KNOW, OKAY?"
          "Yeah right!"
          "DAMN YOU, YOU FREAKISH HYLIAN! I AM THE GREAT KING OF EVIL! I KNOW EVERYTHING--INCLUDING THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET LAID TONIGHT!"
          "What?! Fuck you!! You were spying on us, weren't you?"
          "N-NO I WASN'T! DON'T BE ACCUSING ME OF SUCH THINGS, LINK. YOU'RE THE PATHETIC ONE HERE! HOW ABOUT WE WAGE A BET?"
          "Huh?" Ganon's offer took Link by surprise.
          "CLEAN OUT THOSE LARGE POINTY DUMBO EARS OF YOURS AND LISTEN! WHAT'S A FRIENDLY BET BETWEEN ARCHENEMIES?"
          "...What are the terms?"
          "IF YOU GET LAID TONIGHT, I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN. NO MORE STEALING ZELDA AND THE TRIFORCE. NO MORE EVIL STUFF. AND YOU GET TO KEEP OCTY."
          "And if I don't get laid?"
          "THEN I GET TO WREAK HAVOC ALL OVER HYRULE!!" Ganon smiled before adding calmly, "Link, you know how much I love doing that." He then started shouting again like a senior citizen in a bingo hall, "AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST TWO SEASONS OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS WITH ME ON DVD!"
          "Ack! Jesus Christ! I better get laid!"
          "HEH, KEEP PRAYING! I DON'T THINK GOD AND HIS ENTIRE CANON OF SAINTS CAN HELP YOU, BUT YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY, RIGHT MR. LEFTY?"
          "..........." Link was seething.
          "GOOD! IS IT A BET THEN?"
          "Damn straight!"
          "MWA HAHA! NOW, WHERE IS THAT OTHER BABBLING IDIOT?"
          "Who?"
          "THAT...THAT...ARROGANT CONSTIPATED PRICK!"
          "Oh, Sir Poopsalot?"
          "YES! BOY, DO I LOATHE HIM! HE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL!"
          "It's your fault he's back here! You should've kept him locked up in your dungeon!"
          "BUT JUST KNOWING THAT HE IS BUSTING YOUR BALLS BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE!" Link frowned at Ganon's words. The Prince of Thieves clapped his porky hands together. "I MUST BE OFF. I'M GETTING MY VILLA IN GERUDO VALLEY PAINTED. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MY FAVORITE KEEBLER ELF! MAY HELL FREEZE OVER TONIGHT!" With some more insane guffawing, the Great King of Evil warped out of there in a cloud of neon blue smoke.
          Aaron emerged from his hiding spot and darted over to Link. "Woah, dude! I just saw Ganon! He's...piggish."
          "Yeah he's a schmuckhey, how did you see Ganon?"
          "Um, I was looking out my window."
          "Bullshit! You were spying on me! Can't a hero get any privacy around this dump?"
          "You got me there, dude. I was heading over to Hyrule Castle Town to check out the hot wenches when I heard someone screaming. Lo and behold, I found you and Ganon. What were you guys talking about?"
          "Nothing."
          "Whatever, dude. I also saw Zelda inside. She was holding an octorok. What the hell is up with that?"
          "It's her new pet."
          "So when are you gonna be tappin' her ass?" It was a rhetorical question Aaron asked Link on a daily basis, but this time, the answer he got was different from the norm.
          "Maybe tonight!"
          "Say what?!"
          "She wants me to go up to her room later!" Link was happy again. He became almost childlike. "Aaron, I'm gonna score!"
          "Sweet!! It's about damn time! You tell her who her daddy is, fool!"
          Later that afternoon, the Hero of Time was preparing himself for his meeting with destiny. Coincidence that one of Zelda's titles is Princess of Destiny? I think not! It was time for Link's bubble bath. He had his entire body submerged in his bathtub basin thingie, totally relaxed. Only his face was showing. A serene smile spread across his lips as he kept his eyes shut, deep in thought. ...I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her! I'm gonna kiss her!...
           Navi, who loved to watch him bathe, perched herself on the bathtub's rim and dipped her feet in the lukewarm water. Kicking them back and forth, she stared at Link and wondered what in God's name was going through his Hylian brain.
          "What are you so happy about? Tunics going on sale at Wal-Mart tomorrow?"
          "I'll just ignore that, Navi." Link calmly replied, still keeping his eyes closed.
          "Don't hide things from me, dammit! I know something's going down later, and you won't clue me in!"
          "Something, or shall I say, someone, is going down later...on me!"
          "Link!" she barked, folding her arms together. "Stop it! Quit lying! I'm your guardian faerie!"
          "Navi, I'm twenty years old!" He sat up and scowled at her. "I don't think I need a guardian faerie anymore! I'm not even a Kokiri. Sheesh..."
          "Fine! If that's the way you feel!" She started to fly off when Link reached out and grabbed her wings. "Let me go!"
          "I'm sorry, Navi. I'm just really excited."
          "About what?" she snarled. "...This has got to be interesting."
          "About tonight."
          "Why?"
          "Zelda wants me to go to her room later..." He let his voice trail off. The faerie wasn't impressed.
          "So?"
          "So?! So we can...heh..."
          "So you can...?"
          Link sighed and released her. She took a seat on the rim again. "Well Navi, if you must know, I finally think Zelda wants to..." He stopped to think of the right words. "...Take our relationship to the next level."
          "Ha! Ha!" Navi laughed. " Oh, so now instead of you following her around on your hands and knees, obeying her each and every whim, she'll allow you to stand upright and do so?"
          "No, Navi. Not like that." he snarled.
          "Okay, I get it now. She going to loosen the leash around your balls so you can stray just a tad bit farther while obeying her each and every whim?"
          "Navi, you're coming really close to knocking Poopsalot out of the number one slot on my Shit List right about now!"
          "Wait, I have it!" Navi held out her tiny hand to silence him, but couldn't stop laughing. "She's going to let you lick her dainty royal toes instead of letting you wipe her royal ass? Er, wait. You'd like that. Ha! Ha!"
          "Y'know, everyone makes fun of me." Link complained. He didn't want his pet faerie to piss on his parade, even if her piss was more like drizzle. "I do so much for this goddamn place! Gee, I'm only the Hero of Time! Shouldn't I get some sort of benefits, like a nice 401K? I'll even settle for a decent heath insurance plan! No matter, tonight Zelda will make it up to me."          
          "Ha! Ha! Ha! I can just picture you licking her crusty feet! Ha!!! Ha!!!"
          "Laugh all you want, you overgrown fruit fly. I'll be the one getting the last laugh"
          "Holy shit, Link!! Hahaha!!! You're delusional!" Navi was now laughing so hard that she  lost her balance and accidentally fell into the bath water. Link took this opportunity to quickly get out and wrap a towel around his waist. The faerie wiped the soap from her eyes and bobbed in the water. "Hey, don't you look sex-ay!" she smiled.
          He was too busy searching through his clothes cabinet to answer her. A few minutes later he pulled out his favorite blue tunic. Not only did it allow him to breathe underwater, but it also brought out his eyes.
          "Gonna look all nice for Zelda while you're licking her toe crust?" Navi quipped, blowing some bubbles around.
          "Shut up, Navi." Link retorted, not even bothering to look up at her.
          "Haha...crust." the faerie said to herself, still trying her darndest to control her laughter.
          "Can you make like a tree and leave? I need to get dressed."
          "So you're not going to flash me again?"
          "You wish."
          Navi flew out of the tub and dried herself off on Link's night-stand. Looking him over, she sighed to herself. "Link, what I wouldn't give to be a normal girl's size."
          "Why?"
          "Because then maybe you'd like me instead of Zelda."
          "Navi, you're perfect the way you are. Now leave! And don't be shocked if I don't come back to my room tonight!"
          "Link, is that Cool-Whip on your dresser?!"
          "Get out!!!!"
          "Sure, have fun slurping toe crust." she called as she exited via the door's keyhole.
          Link got dressed and gazed at his full length mirror. "Heh, time to show Zelda who her daddy is! Link, you look so fine..." He only resorted to referring to himself in the third person when he was in a particularly dandy mood...or if he had gone temporarily psychotic.
          Ten o'clock was drawing near. Princess Zelda, up in her tower, had changed into a pretty, but plain, red dress...a very tight and low cut red dress. Work it, girl! Work it!
          "I can't wait to squeeze him and hug him and tee-hee!" she chirped while fixing her hair in the mirror. "He's going to need time to recover after all the things I'm going to do to him!"
          Then came the fated knock at her bedroom door.
          "He's here! Took the goon long enough..." After checking herself over for the final time, she glided over to the door, puffed out her chest, and opened it up.
          Meanwhile, Link was pacing back and forth in his bedroom.
          "It's five to ten. Perhaps I should go now? Oh, I don't want to be early. She may think I'm eager to get her out of her corset...which I am actually. I shouldn't kid myself. Let's go!" He too stopped to survey himself in the mirror before exiting. ...I do look handsome. This is my best blue tunic! Zelda digs the blue tunic! I'd like it even more if she ripped it off of me. After all, Wal-Mart is having a sale on tunics--Christ, what the hell am I thinking?! Time to get laid!...
          He left his room and made his way down the hallway. When he reached the steps leading up to Zelda's tower, he sucked in a deep breath. ...I'm sweating bullets. I hope my Old Spice deodorant kicks in!... Slowly, he ascended the staircase. Once he reached her door, he hesitated. "Let's not freeze now, loser." he muttered. "She's inside waiting for you to shag her rotten. Let's just have fun tonight."
...Everybody, wang-chung tonight!!! Where the fuck did that come from?! AACCCKKK this is driving me insane! Let me go in!...
          Knock! Knock!
          "Come in!" came Zelda's response.
          "She waits for me!" Link snickered to himself. Anxiously, he opened up the door. Calling the sight that greeted him a letdown would be an understatement. It was more like waiting in line to see an anticipated movie, only to walk out two hours later, lamenting the 120 minutes of your life you'll never get back. You can say Link felt very let down. He felt damn near homicidal.
          In the middle of the room a small table had been set up. Sitting there was Princess Zelda and Sir Poopsalot, partaking in a game of Scrabble.
          Zelda sadly looked up. "Hey, Link."
          The knight turned around in his seat to face his rival. "Hey, Bink! Why don't you join us for an old fashioned game of Scrabble?"
          Zelda braced herself for Link's reaction. She could tell by his facial expression that he was about to blow a gasket...or break down and cry. ...Awww shit, he's pissed. Goddamnit, he looks so gorgeous too! Damn Poopsalot! Damn him straight to hell! OUCH!! Stupid blonde hair!...
          "Yes Link, please join us." she begged, pushing over an empty chair.
          "Yes!" Poopsalot coaxed. "Come, Dink! Show me your Scrabble skills!"
          Without a word, Link dragged himself over to them and took a seat. So for the next hour or so, they played Scrabble. The perturbed hero (I love the word "perturbed", if you haven't noticed) had folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, resting his feet on the table next to the game. He stared crossly at the full Scrabble board, angered beyond the point of speech. Zelda nervously looked down and bit her lower lip. Poopsalot joyously gazed over the finished board.
          "Well," he began pompously. "Let's count up our words! I have 'bravado', 'didactic', 'magnanimous'--triple word score there--'killjoy', and 'tremulous.' Zelda has 'pink', 'fuzzy', 'candy', and 'star.' Link has 'death', 'murder', 'malice'--double word score for you--'hatred' and 'misery.' I've got one hundred points! I win!"
          No response from the other two. He shrugged.
          "Who's up for another game?"
          Link shot Poopsalot the "if looks could kill" face. Zelda hastily folded up the Scrabble board and faked a yawn.
          "No!" she yelled before swallowing hard. "I mean, not more tonight. We're tired."
          "Maybe tomorrow then!" He packed up the game, then bid them farewell before departing. "Good night! I sure had fun tonight. Later, Sink!"
          After the knight left, Link and Zelda got to their feet. They embraced and held each other tightly.
          "I thought he'd never leave!" Zelda growled. "I tried to force him out several times, but then he just barged in here... I'm sorry, Link."
          "It's okay. It's not your fault he's a dickhead."
          The two exchanged grins.
          "Time to go back to the original plan." she chuckled nearing her face closer to his.
          "Couldn't agree with you more." He placed his fingertips under her chin, readying her for a kiss. Naturally, just before he could plant one on her, Poopsalot ran back into the room. They stopped dead in their tracks. Zelda rested her forehead against Link's chest and released a long breath.
          "Forgot a letter stand!" The knight held up the missing game piece. "Fink, are you checking her for cavities?" He made a face and shrugged. "No matter. Good night, my love!"
          Then, to add insult to injury, Octy the Octorok popped out from under Zelda's bed and found its favorite target. It fired another rock at Link's head, making direct contact and shattering into several pieces. The princess gasped, but remained silent because Link looked totally demented by this point. The Hero of Time ignored the throbbing pain now emanating from his fresh bump and stared blankly at Zelda.
          "Well I now feel like the biggest tool in the universe. Good night, Zelda."
          He broke away from her embrace and left the room. She followed him with sad eyes, but didn't say a word. She too felt like a tool. It sucks to be a tool. Upon reaching his room, Link opened and slammed shut the door. Already sitting on his bed were Ganon and Navi, who looked at him with glee in their eyes.
          "Mmm!" Navi smiled widely. "So how'd that crust taste?"
          "MR. LEFTY STRIKES OUT AGAIN! MWA HAHA!!! YOU'RE SO PATHETIC THAT I'LL SKIP OVER WREAKING HAVOC IN HYRULE. BUT YOU'LL STILL HAVE TO WATCH THE GOLDEN GIRLS WITH ME! MWA HAHA!"
          Link glared at them and menacingly barked, "Shut the fuck up, Navi! Drop dead, Ganon! Just fuck you both!!"
          "I SEE SOMEONE NEEDS A TIME OUT! HAHAHA! UNTIL NEXT TIME, LOSER!" Ganon vanished as quickly as he had appeared, but off in the distance, Link and Navi could still hear him yelling, "I TOLD YOU SO, MR. LEFTY!!"
          Link took off his tunic and threw it onto the floor. He collapsed on the bed and thrust his face into his pillow. It was a bad attempt at showing Navi he didn't want to be bothered. Of course she antagonized him.
          "Things didn't go as expected, huh?" she asked, half-mockingly.
          "Leave me alone." His response was muffled by the pillow. "I want to curl up into a ball and die!"
          A knock at the door cut short Link's wallowing. It was Aaron.
          "Dude I heard screaming! I thought you may have been pounding Zelda real hard until I realized it was Ganon." The boy entered the room and shut the door behind him. "Back so soon, Link? What are you, the 'minute-man' or something?"
          "I'd rather not discuss it." Link kept his face in his pillow.
          "Uh oh, what happened?"
          "Don't ask."
          "Aw, tell me what happened, dude. It'll make you feel better."
          "No."
          Aaron took a seat on the bed, then addressed Navi on the dresser, "Navi, would you leave us alone? I want to have a man-to-man talk with Link."
          "Oh please, neither of you are men yet."
          "Navi, leave!" Link had rolled over to face his little buddy and was sick of the faerie's smart ass commentary.
          "Fine..." She went to go hide somewhere.
          "Okay dude, you tell me what happened." Aaron directed. "Let it all out, dude. I'm here for you."
          "Er, thanks... Anyway, you know how I was supposed to go up to her room tonight, right?"
          "Yeah, you were gonna score!"
          "Heh, all was good until I got there."
          "And?"
          "Aaron, do you know who was there?"
          "Jimmy Hoffa?"
          "No! Poopsalot! And they were playing Scrabble! Fucking Scrabble! I ended up joining them!"
          "Dude, that's WEAK!"
          "Then Zelda's octorok hit me on the fucking head for the second time today, and I felt like such a tool that I had to leave."
          "Ouch...literally. Link, I'm sorry."
          "I'm used to it. I'm just beginning to think that Zelda and I aren't really meant for each other, despite what all the prophecies say."
          "Don't say that, Link! You guys are totally meant to be together! Fuck Poopsalot! You can't let him keep getting in the way! Time to show that douchebag who's boss around here."
          "And how the hell am I supposed to do that without getting arrested for manslaughter?"
          "Tomorrow you'll have a good chance. It's the archery tournament. Show that bitch who Hyrule's real hero is. He's such a punk."
          "Yeah, but what good is that gonna do? I already act like a dick to him."
          "Continue to do it! Also, keep at it with Zelda. She seems to be opening up. At this rate, give her..." Aaron paused, then giggled to himself, "Five more years."
          "That's not funny."
          "I'm only kidding! Link, you gotta just be yourself. That's why Zelda loves you. In the meantime, show Poopsalot who his daddy is. You're the Hero of Time. He's just a primped up bitch."
          "I guess you're right."
          "I know I'm right! I'm sixteen! I know everything there is to know!"
          Link forced a smile. "Okay...tomorrow I'll just kick his ass at the archery contest. Then maybe I'll challenge him to a duel and run him through with the Master Sword."
          "Now you're thinking!" The boy stood up and stretched. "Dude, I'm beat. You should get some sleep. Gots to open a can of whoop-ass in the morning! See you then."
          "Thanks, Aaron."
          "No problem, dude. Remember..." Aaron walked over the door, but before leaving, he turned to Link and grinned. "You're Zelda's daddy."
                              ***THE NEXT MORNING...GODDAMIT!!***
          It was the day of Hyrule's big archery tournament. People who had nothing else better to do gathered bright and early at Hyrule Castle's archery range, where archers had been practicing all morning. One archer in particular was conspicuously absent. Aaron surveyed the crowd, but couldn't find his friend.
          "Where is that hornbag?" he questioned himself. "He better not be whacking off again! It's not the time for that!" Angrily, Link's protegee stormed back into the palace and headed straight towards his mentor's chambers. Inside, he found the bedroom door closed, but decided to barge in anyway.
          "Dude, you're still asleep?! Wake up!"
          "Ugh, just a few more minutes..." Link threw the blankets over his head, ignoring the teenager.
          "Get dressed!" Aaron scampered over to Link's dresser and pulled out a fresh tunic and pair of tights. Link groggily stretched and started to pick eye crust out of the way. "C'mon, dude! Hurry the hell up!"
          No response. Fed up, Aaron grabbed his friend's arm and began to drag him out of bed. Link didn't resist. "Quit being a douche, Link!! Don't you want to ram an arrow up Poopsalot's ass?" With one last mighty tug, Aaron sent Link crashing to the hard wooden floor. "Shit!"
          "Ugh." the Hero of Time grunted without saying much else.
          "Link!!"
          "Fine, I'm getting up!"
          "Good! Meet me in the archery range in twenty minutes." Aaron commanded as he stepped over the hero and exited the room.
          "Yes, Mommy." Link leered. He shut his eyes. "Just a few more winks..."
          Outside, Hyrule was abuzz with rumors of a new archer in town who was even better than Link. The Royal Family (all two of them) situated themselves in a stand overlooking the range. It was Hyrule's answer to season ticket boxed seats at Yankee Stadium. Zelda anxiously peered out into the crowed, hoping to catch sight of her hunky elf. She wanted to give him a good luck blow jober, kiss! I meant kiss! The king sat next to his daughter.
          "My dear girl, where is Link?"
          "I don't know, Daddy." She continued to keep an eye out for him. "He'll be here soon."
          "I hope so. I don't want that Poopsalot fellow to win."
          "Me neither."
          "...Are you and Link to be wed soon?" the king casually asked. It was a question he brought up at least five times a day, almost along the lines of, "Did I forget to flush the toilet?" or "I hope I don't have panty-lines through these pants!" Hey, at least that's what I think of!
          "Daddy, you ask me that every day!" Zelda sighed. "And every day I give you the same answer!"
          "Well, I really wish you would soon, my dear. I'd like to be a grandfather by the time I'm sixty!" Zelda remained silent and stared down at her lap, where Miss Snuffles was napping peacefully. "Zelda, there he is!"
          The princess instantly looked up to see Link lazily making his way across the archery range with his equipment in hand. Her view became obstructed when a fag in white darted in front of her.
          "Good morning, Princess! Lovely weather for an archery tournament, is it not?" It was Poopsalot. Who the hell else in Hyrule would wear a queer white get-up and prance around? Link may be pathetic, but he isn't metrosexual.
          The king and his daughter plainly disregarded the visitor. Zelda tried to see past the knight, but his cape kept flowing in the wind, blocking her view of Link. ...Damn, Link looks so hot. Very hot. After this contest, I want him to stick his arrow into my target... "Damn, Poopsalot! Move!"
          "Hmpf!" He shrugged off her comment. "Care to wish me luck, Princess?"
          "Huh? Er, break a leg. Literally."
          "Thank you, Princess! Now with your luck, I am sure to become the new champion." Poopsalot smiled widely. "I shall defeat Dink and become the number one archer in all of Hyrule!"
          "Shouldn't you be with the other archers by now?" the king of Hyrule impatiently asked.
          The knight blinked. "Why, yes! Yes I should! I'll see you both after my victory. Ta!" He left.
          "Link better win." the monarch growled to Zelda.
          Down at the archery range, Aaron was giving our hero a pep talk.
          "Okay, dude. You've done this before. You know the drill. Just win!"
          "I can do this bullshit in my sleep." Link tiredly said as he strung up his bow.
          "Uh-oh," Aaron warned. "Here comes Poopsalot. You can't mistake that gay walk of his. What a little bitch!"
          "Hello, Sink!" the knight greeted, peering over Link's shoulder to see what he was doing. "I see you're preparing for the tournament! Oh, and your little boy-servant is here to aid you! How spiffy!" He turned to Aaron, who had taken to gnawing on his lip. The Hero of Time ignored him.
          "Zink, I just dropped by to rub it in that I'm going to win this year, and not you!"
          Irritated, Link faced his adversary. "We'll just see about that, Shitsalot."
          "The name's 'Poopsalot', Kink!"
          "Same thing."
          "No matter. May the best man win--who we already know, is me. Ta!" Poopsalot queerly skipped away.
          Aaron had a baffled look on his face as he stared at his mentor.
          "He is such a--"
          "I know." Link snarled. He calmly strung up an arrow and held his bow in the ready position. Almost as if it was a sign from the gods, he caught sight of Poopsalot conversing with another archer. Grinning maliciously, he aimed the arrow straight at the knight's head. His protegee noticed what he was up to.
          "Dude...what are you doing?"
          "Nothing." Link nonchalantly replied. ...Let's see. I can simply kill that bastard right now. Right between the fucking eyes!!! It's all in the release of my fingers. Temptation pretty good...control yourself, Link. Shit, but it's so hard to!...
          "Attention all archers!" Princess Zelda's voice rang out amongst the hubbub. Everyone shut up and paid attention to their ruler-in-training. Link placed down his bow and gazed up at her.
          ...Din, she's so pretty. Goddamit, I could've had her last night if--...
          "Hehe, now that I've got your attention," Zelda began. "The winner of this contest will be rewarded generously with a $200 gift certificate to Target..." She paused, and locking eyes with Link added, "and a kiss from me!" ...Oh Link, you'll get more than a kiss. Get that whipped cream ready, boy!...
          The archers began to frantically talk to each other. The gift certificate idea had gotten old, but everyone was excited over the kiss from Zelda. Aaron slapped Link on the back and laughed, "Maybe you'll get more than a kiss!" He made blow-job motions with his hand.
          "Aaron, stop." Link chuckled, although he entertained the thought. ...I definitely have to win this now. If that douche wins, there are going to be problems. Eh, I've won this for the past six years. What the hell's going to stop me now? The pressure's on!...
          Then there was another loud voice. It was the announcer from his commentator's booth above the range. "Ladies and gentlemen of Hyrule...LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!"
          The crowd cheered uproariously as the first round of archers went up. Link took a seat on his bench, awaiting his turn. The first half of the contest went by uneventfully. The only impressive score was a 780, which came from a commoner. Heh, that was nothing for Link. The hero watched, keeping his cool. Aaron was giving him a shoulder massage.
          "Dude, you're next! Kick some ass!"
          "I will." Link couldn't stop thinking about the kiss he and Zelda were going to share after the contest was over. ...Oh yeah. Zelda, who's your daddy? One minute I'll be kissing you. The next, I'll have my head up your skirt. Smoooth...
          "Dude!" Aaron cheered, interrupting his perverted fantasy. "You're up! Good luck!"
          "Thanks, dude. I'll kick Poopsalot's ass just for you."           
          The last round of archers took their places. This group only consisted of Link, Sir Poopsalot, a blind guy, and a midget. Smooth sailing, right? The announcer called out their names individually as each took their place in front of a target. After introducing the two nobodies, he read aloud the gay knight's name.
          "Next up is...Sir PoopsalotPoopsalot? What the hell kind of name is that?!"
          The knight proudly walked up to his assigned place and waved at the crowd like Miss America.
          "He seems pretty sure he'll win." the king whispered to his daughter.
          "He better not!" Zelda snapped. "I'm not kissing him! I'll knee him right in the nuts!"
          The announcer then called out the name of the last contestant, who unsurprisingly was the most popular there. "And we've saved the best for last, ladies and gents! Here he is, our reigning champion for the past six years! The savior of Hyrule! Jesus Christ incarnate! The one, the only, Hero of Time, Link!"
          "Dude, kick ass!" Aaron gave his buddy a good luck slap on the arm before he departed to take his spot on the range. The girls in the crowd began to go crazy, holding up signs reading "I heart you, Link!" or "Marry me, Link!" Others screamed out to him, pledging their undying love.
          "Link, I love you!!!" one fan shouted. "You are so hot!!"
          "Link, father my children!" another girl interjected.
          Link grinned to himself, until he heard a familiar female who sent chills up his spine. He turned around to see a group of people trying to hold a young woman back from jumping into the range. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. Malon.
          "I STILL LOVE YOU! OH GOD IN HEAVEN, LINK I LOVE YOU!! MARRY ME!! MAKE BABIES WITH ME!! I GAVE YOU A HORSE, NOW GIVE ME YOUR LOVE! I LOVE YOU!! LINK, LOOK AT ME!!!!"
          Zelda jealously noticed half of Hyrule's women lusting over her hero, but hid it by clapping for him. Poopsalot also saw the reception Link received and thought scornfully, ...Damn Stink! Soon women will be screaming for me to impregnate them!...
          "Okay ladies, hose yourselves off!" the announcer joked with all the ecstatic females. "It's time for the last round to begin!"
          The object of this round was to get the two highest scoring archers and have them face off against each other...or some junk like that. Did that make any sense? Good, I hope so. Not a hard concept, right? I have no idea how archery tournaments were run. Don't even ask me about Hylian ones. All the archers began doing their thing and yada yada yada Link whipped every single one of their pansy asses with perfect bull's eyes. Unfortunately, to his dismay, Poopsalot was also a good archer and hit a few bull's eyes himself.
          ...What the fuck?! I thought he was locked in a dungeon for ten years straight! Where'd he learn to shoot like that? I mean, he's not me, but jeez, I thought this would be easier. And he aims and shoots so gayly too. It makes me sick!!...
          When they were all done shooting, the knight turned to Link and arrogantly spoke, "Ah, we both scored a 1700. How dandy!"
          "Yeah." Link snarled, clenching his bow.
          "Looks like it'll be us two in the finals!"
          "Yup..."
          Our announcer friend informed the crowd about the tournament's standings, "Isn't that something, ladies and gents? Sir Poopsalot and the Hero of Time are both tied with 1700 points! Link, have you lost your touch? This is going to be one hell of a final round!"
          Zelda nervously bit on her nail. ...Oh God! Come on, Link! If you don't win this, I'll break you over my knee!...
          Showing off in his usual pompous way, Sir Poopsalot decided to change the rules a bit. When his audience became silent, he addressed them in a loud, stuck up voice, "Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your undivided attention? ...Hey, kid picking his nose! Stop that! It's so uncouth! Anyway..."
          Link felt an eyebrow raise and his eye begin to bulge out of its socket. ...Who the fuck does he think he is?! Me?!...
          To the hero's annoyance, Poopsalot continued, "For my final task, I will shoot an arrow off that weathervane on top of the Temple of Time's steeple, (Author's note: Does it even have a steeple? Well, it does now!) where it will bounce off and hit the castle's bell tower, (Me again: Guess what. I added that too, bitches!) where it will..."
          Link had stopped paying attention to him. He was too busy shitting bricks. ...Shit, I gotta top that?! What the hell am I supposed to do? Stand on my head and shoot bull's eyes while pulling monkeys out of my ass? If he makes this shot, I'll die!... He tuned to Poopsalot again, who was still rambling on.
          "...Where it will ricochet off the pillar and onto the target in a perfect bull's eye!"
          Everyone was astonished at this feat, including Zelda and Aaron. Both were hoping the arrogant prick would mess up somehow. Poopsalot strung up an arrow and aimed at the weathervane up on top of the steeple. Link anxiously watched and wished for the worst. Then he heard a whoosh as the arrow cut into the air...and bounced flawlessly off its targets, ending in a goddamn perfect bull's eye. It was almost magical. Only in Hyrule will you find shit like this, people. Gotta love it.
          Link felt his chest tighten. ...Aw FUCK ME!!!!...
          The audience bursted into applause. Er, scratch that. All the men in the crowd applauded. The women, Zelda, Aaron, and the king watched in dismay. Each wished that Link would do something spectacular, like pull a monkey out of his ass that shot as incredibly as he did. Hey, it's better than standing on your head while doing so!
          "Holy crap!" the announcer exclaimed. "What a shot!"
          Poopsalot walked up to Link and smugly smiled in a smugly smug way, "Your turn...may the best man win, Bink. But we already know who that is." He backed away, giving Link space. Quickly, the Hylian hunk began to ponder...ponder like he never had done before. He thought of something, and he thought of it fast. Aaron suddenly caught his eye. The boy was looking at him worriedly. Then Link got a greatbut incredibly stupididea. The crowd silenced their buzzing, except for Malon yelling "I love you!"out of nowhere.
          Taking in a deep breath, the Hero of Time spoke to his audience, "For my trick, I will need a little assistance." He glared at Aaron. "...and an apple and a blindfold."                     
          Whispers erupted from the spectators. Poopsalot sucked his teeth.
          "What is he going to do?" the king asked Zelda. "It seems dangerous!"
          She didn't respond, but continued to watch, stunned.
          "Aaron, will you assist me?" Link questioned his friend in a threatening tone. Aaron saw the glare in Link's eyes and knew he had no choice. He slowly walked out of the stands and stood next to his mentor. Link smiled at him and muttered, "Remember what we played the other day?"
          "Uh-huh." he answered, frightened.
          Link shot him one last smile, then turned his attention back to the crowd. "For my feat, I will shoot an apple off my protegee's head...while blindfolded!"
          Of course, everyone went wild!
          "He's going to pull off a William Tell shot!" Zelda cried to her father. "Poor Aaron! He could kill him!"
          "Do you think he can do it, dear daughter?"
          "I don't know. No one's ever attempted it before. Link is being totally irrational about this! What's he trying to prove, risking Aaron's life?"
          "Will someone hand me an apple?" Link held out his hand. Some random idiot threw one at him. "Heythanks! Okay Aaron, go stand in front of the target now."
          "Is the blindfold for me?" he hopefully asked.
          "No, it's for me."
          "Link!!"
          "Shut up and go!"
           The scared boy did as he was told. Link followed him and placed the apple on Aaron's head when he stood in place. His protegee gave him a scared, pleading look, but all Link did was smile assuredly. He walked back to his spot and produced a blindfold from his satchel. Actually, it was an old sock, but no one else could see that. An assistant ran up to him and offered his help. Link handed him the sock, and the assistant tied the blindfold around his eyes. When all was ready, Link took the correct stance (at least he thought he did) and aimed his bow. Stringing up an arrow, he tried to get a good idea of where his target was.
          ...Damn, it's dark! I can't see a thing! I feel like I'm the loser kid at a birthday party who can't find the pinata, no matter how many times he swings. Christ Aaron, if I make this shot, I'll take you out to Hooters!...
          It became so quiet that you could hear crickets, or at least the piss now running down Aaron's legs.
          ...Shit, did I actually piss myself out of fear? ....Yes. Yes I did. Maybe Link should kill me to relieve me of the embarrassment! He is so off my Christmas list if I make it out alive!... He began to mouth the words to a novena as he watched Link aim at him.
          Princess Zelda and her father observed in utter silence. She was infuriated at Link for doing something so stupid, even if Aaron was okay in the end. He certainly wasn't going to get a kiss anymore! Hmpf! Instead, she was going to take his $200 Target gift certificate and spend it on herself.
          ...I know!! I'll go to Target and buy lots of Winnie the Pooh stuff for my room! Link HATES Winnie the Pooh! That'll show that bastard!!...
          Link, content at where he was aiming at (or at least where he thought he was aiming at), prepared to release the arrow. ...Just make believe it's Zelda. You're the arrow. The apple is Zelda. Rip that bitch into two, goddamn you!!! Oh Link, what a tangled web we weave!...
          Aaron noticed that his friend was ready to kill him. He clenched his eyes shut and started to produce long, whiny noises. And then there was the sound he dreaded. Swoosh!!! As if on cue, every single person watching the events gasped loudly. The next thing Aaron felt was warm liquid trickling down his nose.
          ...HOLY SHIT, BLOOD!!! The son of a bitch hit me!! I'm going to die!! ...Wait, this isn't blood... He smacked his lips. ...IT'S APPLE JUICE!...
          Link ripped the blindfold away and saw the two pieces of apple lying at his buddy's feet. The arrow rested in the target directly above his head. It was such a perfect shot that Link thought he heard angels singing. The spectators simultaneously roared around him, shouting praise and marriage proposals. Poopsalot's jaw dropped. He wasn't happy. Not one bit. Aaron, after having the shit shocked out of him, collapsed into an unconscious heap.
          "Mary, Mother of God, what a shot!!" the announcer cried out, blown away at Link's superior archery skills and lack of brains. "That had to be the most insane shot I've ever seen!! Only someone with a reckless sense of style and nothing to lose attempt that! Link, you're the only one capable of pulling it off, you crazy mother fucker! For the seventh straight year in a row, our champion is the Hero of Time!"
          The Hylian ladies chimed in with their chants of "I love you!" and "You're so dreamy!"
          ...Oh yeah...who's your daddy?... Link victoriously grinned to himself. ...And here comes Zelda. Get ready Link, because you're going to be tonguing her in about five seconds...
          He went to take her into his arms when she pushed him away.
          "You idiot!"
          "Huh? What's wrong, Zelda?"
          "You, you dork! You almost killed Aaron!" She pointed to the still K.O.'d boy on the ground.
          "Well excuse me, Princess!"
          "I can't believe you! Don't ever do anything that stupid again!"
          "So does this mean I don't get my kiss?" Link sadly pouted.
          "You'll get a swift kick to the"
          "Link!" Malon snuck up behind him and threw herself on top of the hero, flinging them both onto the hard dirt. Zelda got even pissier and stormed off. Link watched, helpless as the ranch-girl covered his cheeks with kisses.
          "Malon, get off!"
          "Oh, Link! You were so magnificent!"
          "Malon, I can't breathe."
          "I love you!" When she went to kiss his lips he pushed her away and freed himself.
          "Get away from me, you demented bitch!"
          "Hehe, are you playing hard-to-get?"
          "Ugh! Go and drink some Clorox!" He left his fan club behind and chased after Zelda. He spotted her under an archway. "Zelda, there you are."
          "Shouldn't you be attending the party being held in your honor right about...now?" She coldly pushed him aside and went to leave when he snatched her arm.
          "It can wait." he said. "Zelda, I don't want you to be angry with me. What did I do wrong? Was it Aaron?" She failed to respond. "Zelda! I know what I did was dumbbut man was it sweet! If I didn't pull off something crazy like that, Poopsalot would've won, and you would've had to kiss him! Did you want that? ...Is that it? You wanted to kiss him over me?"
          "Link, shut up! You sound like a babbling twit!"
          "What?! Why are you suddenly acting so mean towards me? Last night you were ready to"
          "I've already said everything I wanted to say."
          He rolled his eyes, exasperated.  ...Great, back to square one!... "Did I really piss you off that much? If I did, I'm sorry! Let me try and make it up to you." He went to hold her again, but she held up her hands in protest.
          "No! Too late for that!"
          "Fine, I'll go and be with people who actually care for me." Link stalked off and returned to the range. There, he saw people preparing a feast celebrating his victory. Still on the ground was Aaron. No one seemed to care about him either.
          "I'm sorry, dude..." Link maundered. "I hope you're not dead or something."
          "Well, if it isn't our winner."
          The Hero of Time whirled around to see Poopsalot standing there. "Oh...you."
          "Did you get your kiss?"
          "No." Link faced the opposite direction, not wanting the knight to see the disappointment evident on his face. Everyone all at once now: Awwww!!!!!
          "Hmm, she was saving the kiss for her one true love..."
          "Obviously it mustn't be either one of us, because she hasn't kissed you either."
          "Give her time!"
                              "I've given her ten years!" ...Ten years and counting!!!...
          "That doesn't surprise me. Look at you! You're nothing but a lowly peasant. You're not nobility, like I. I honestly don't know what this 'Hero of Time' business is all about. Anyone could've done the labors you've done. So what if your birth was prophesied and you're the holder of the Triforce of Courage and you saved Hyrule and Zelda's life so many times you can shake a stick at it? I could have done all that mumbo jumbo too!"
          "What would you know about battle? You've been locked in a dungeon for ten years."
          "I know more than you think."
          "As do I." Link faced him again. "You know what I know? I know you're an uptight asshole who needs a serious reality check in the form of a sledgehammer to the side of your head. I also know that my foot and your ass need to meet. You want to know what other powers of perception I have? I know that you'll never get Zelda...not over my dead, rotting corpse! I will get her some day, and when I do, I'll bend over so you can place a kiss on my round, muscular, prophesied, heroic ass, since you seem to enjoy kissing it so much. And now I'm through!" With that he left the range. What an exit! Was that lunch bells I heard? Oh, someone just got served!!!!
          "But..." Poopsalot was left in Link's wake in sheer amazement. "I was going to ask if you'd like some apple strudel with me. How mean!"
          Link wandered into Hyrule Castle Town, contemplating on what he was going to do next. ...Hmm, let's see. Zelda doesn't want anything to do with me right now, so I guess the option of having wild, hot sex with her is shot straight to hell. How about drowning my sorrows in cheap beer and flirting with prostitutes? Oh, what a splendid idea! Come on, Link! Let's do what we do bestact like the gigantic loser that we are! La de fucking da!...
          He skipped off and ventured into the nearest tavern, where he drank copiously. Having no other purpose at the time being, he remained in the tavern all day. He met many new and interesting people. Through a drunken stupor, he ended up telling some quadriplegic his whole life story while he flirted with a mustached "woman" named BoBo. After having too much Coors Light, he passed out on the bar counter. Three hours later, the bartender poked at him with a sharp object, arousing him from his alcohol-induced coma. Sticking to his forehead was a piece of paper. Puzzled, he removed it and managed to make out the words. It was a flyer for some event in Kokiri Forest.
          "Hey hero," the bartender smirked. "You had a rough day. Think you should go home?"
          "Er...home." Link looked at the flyer again. "...Haven't been home in a long time."
                              "Pardon?"
          "I think it's time for me to take a vacation."
          "Sounds like a plan."
          "You know, to get away from it all. I can't catch a break, man."
          "So I've heard. BoBo told me all about it." He nodded at an ugly drag queen sitting a few tables away. She waved at the two. Link, grimacing, returned the gesture. "Vacation sounds like a good idea though."
          "Time to go where people appreciate me! I need a break from Hyrule Castle and all the people there." He folded up the flyer and placed it in a pocket on his tunic. "Tomorrow, I'm going back to Kokiri Forest for a short visit. No Poopsalot. No king. ...No Zelda."
          At that moment, somewhere in the forest, a certain green-haired Kokiri girl shot up out of a deep sleep. Could it be? She smiled an insane smile, folding her tiny hands together with joy. Her love was coming back to her. And you thought Malon was a goddamn psycho, dear readers? You haven't seen anything yet.

          
          
          
          
          

          
          
          
                    
          
          
I've been playing too much Ocarina of Time: Master Quest lately. Blame that for this chapter taking so long to complete! Here's Chapter 14!
In the words of Jean Valjean: Bring me home!
The Legend of Zelda Intro Page!