ZeldaChapter15

When we last left our favorite Hylian pair, they were heading straight into the Lost Woods of Kokiri Forest. Behind them was an insane little impish female on a homicidal rampage. All Saria wanted to taste was Link's blood. Goddamnit, if she couldn't have him, no one could. Since killing every female in Hyrule was out of the question, she decided it would be easier to just take out the source of the problem itself--Link. Oh, and that Zelda bitch had to die too. Why? Just because.

As they entered the woods, the Hero of Time barely recognized his surroundings. Protectively, he pulled the princess close to his side and kept a firm grip on her hand. Under any other circumstances, he would've gotten off on the situation, but now all he could think about was getting out of that damn forest alive. He quickly glanced behind his shoulder and could make out the figure of Saria on their trail. Her stubby little legs didn't allow her to run as fast as her Hylian counterparts, but the Volt Energy Drink she chugged beforehand was starting to kick in.

"You don't know where you're going?!" the princess roared. "How could you not know where you're going?! You've only traveled through these woods before a million times!"

"Yeah, but for some strange reason Zelda, every time I enter them, they change in appearance! Come to think of it..." Link stopped running dead in his tracks, forcing Zelda to practically slam into his side. "All of Hyrule changes its appearance on every single one of my adventures! Haha, crazy, isn't it?"

In front of them lay a series of tunnels made from tree bark. Anyone's who has played a recent Zelda game knows what the hell I'm talking about. Just imagine everything the same, including the crazy sounding creepy music. It was difficult to see what was on the other side of the tunnels, and half the time you wandered into one, you ended up at the mouth of the Lost Woods anyway. Could you imagine getting lost while drunk in this forest? Jeez, they'd find your half-rotting remains on a tree stump or something. It was the fate of many a tree-hugging hippy Kokiri to get lost in the woods. You only entered them if you truly knew where you were going, or if you had no choice, like Link. Speaking of which...

"It does look familiar..." ...Think Link, think! You've done this so many times before! Ohh, Zelda' s breathing heavily as she rests up against me...Stop it!! Think you pig, think!...

"...Why the hell are we arguing?!" Link cried. He whirled around to see if Saria had followed them. When she wasn't in sight, he exhaled a sigh of relief. "I think we lost her."

Now I'm sure there are readers out there who are pondering, why are they wasting so much time fighting when they should be running? The other half of my readers are probably staring into space right now, counting the dust particles in the air. You just gotta trust me with this one. It's going somewhere.

She charged at him with full force, and in true prissy fashion, proceeded to punch his chest with her delicate, well manicured fists. All it caused Link to do was laugh at her. Infuriated, Zelda then pushed Link as hard as she could.

She ran into him with such force that it knocked them both over, her conveniently landing on top of him. Don't you wish things like this happened in real life, people? Like if you had a crush on someone, and you could conveniently land on top of them? Then again...that wouldn't be a good thing to people as desperate as Link. ...What the hell am I talking about?

"II just didn't want to lose track of you, that's all." she stammered. ...Dammit, this is awkward, isn't it? You're not even a good liar, Zelda. He's all sweaty...and not to mention stinky. Eww, man-stink!...

In and out of tunnels the three ran, just missing each other, as they delved deeper into the woods. Each new territory they came across looked exactly like the one before it, making Link and Zelda even more confused. These two didn't need to be any more confused than they already were.

They suddenly came to a clearing that looked unlike anything they had previously seen. Link eyed the few tall trees and got a bright idea. Uh-oh, better watch out!

"Good, then let's get up in one of these trees. We may be able to hide from that freak up here. We can wait it out for a little bit, then when the coast is clear, we'll make an escape."

So the Hero of Time helped Zelda into the tree as hastily as he could, where they found a secure branch waaayyy up on top. From their perch, they could survey the entire area without being seen. They sat side-by-side, unsure of what to do next. For a few moments, they remained motionless and silent, afraid that at any second the psychobitch Kokiri would return and slit their throats. Finally, Link couldn't take it anymore.

"What the hell are you talking about?" She stared at him blankly, disliking the retarded look upon Link's face. "...Ugh, if you're going to bother me about it, go ahead."

Without warning, Zelda turned and slapped the shit out of Link across his face, causing him to lose his balance and fall out of the tree. Don't ask me how he did that, but somehow, he managed to fall right out like a little baby bird who couldn't fly. Squish. Although, Link didn't go "squish". It was more like a "plop".

"What?!" ...Did that wuss just stand up for himself? He called me a bitch! Why does that turn me on? Still, this isn't the time for that! I'll spank him when we get back to the castle. He won't call me a bitch and get away with it!... "Do you want an ass-whooping, mister?"

"Stop it! There's no way you can see from this high up!" ...He's lying, because I'm wearing Thursday Day of the Week panties, not Wednesday!... "You're a liar!"

"Oh yeah? Don't make me come up there and take a look for myself!" ...Heh, that was smooth, Link. You go up there and peek up her dress, then prepare to get your eyes gouged out by Zelda's fingernails. Is a quick look at her snatch worth blindness? You bet it is!...

"Zelda, I'll catch up with you later!" Link immediately darted out of the clearing and into a nearby tunnel. He had no idea where it went, but if it took him away from Saria, that was good enough for him.

Saria decided to ignore Zelda, who was holding her breath up in the tree, and chase after the object of her delusional affections instead. "Your ass is mine, boy!" With that, she followed the Hero of Time into the tunnel. Once they left, the princess exhaled a deep breath, although she feared what the Kokiri would do once she got her hands on the Hylian hunk.

"Oh pooh, Link's in trouble. I guess I should go find him." From the distance, she could hear the faint cries of her hero as he shrieked like a girly-man. "...Maybe I'll stay up here instead. Besides, midgets can't climb trees very well. It's not like Saria can get up here to kill me."

Then, to make matters even worse for her, Zelda suddenly heard what sounded like wood splintering beneath her rump. Realizing what it was, she chewed on the inside of her cheek and grimaced.

The branch she was seated upon snapped from under her, causing her to plummet to the hard forest floor. "Owwwwchhhhh!!!!!" the princess wailed as she struggled to sit up. "Eh, it could've been worse. The Chinese food I ate earlier must've went straight to my ass to help cushion the fall."

While she nursed her sore butt, Link dashed like mad around the forest, hoping that he'd find somewhere to hide from the lovesick Kokiri not too far behind. His eyes scanned area after area, with no help in sight, until he heard the familiar sound of a wind instrument off in the distance. It seemed to be emanating from a nearby tunnel. He approached the entrance, only to be thwarted by another lunatic Kokiri before he could scamper inside.

"What?" The Hero of Time paused and folded his arms. "You mean, like all ten of them? Dude, you got served. There's no coming back from that. It's the cardinal rule of getting served! As a matter of fact, I'm surprised you're still alive. Look, just let me pass, okay? I'm a lot bigger than you."

"I couldn't handle being dishonored in such a way." Mido spoke. "After the serving, I went home and tried to flush my head down the toilet. Several failed attempts later, all I had gotten was a massive headache."

"Umm...err.... Fuck you, Gandolf!" Link, exasperated that he couldn't rid himself of the tree hugger, kicked him as hard as he could in the stomach, sending the Kokiri football into the tunnel and out of sight. ...Whew, I got rid of him! Who the hell did he think he was? Me? Why do so many people try to imitate me? Come to think of it, that blonde elf Legowhatever from that trilogy I can't remember the name of resembles me. Hmpf, but there's one difference... I'm not gay. Ohh yeah!!! There's only one Link, biatch, and it's me! You're gonna get served if you mess with--aww shit, Saria's still after me. Gotta run!...

Link regained his senses after getting lost in La La Land for a few moments and entered the tunnel that he had punted Mido into. Upon exiting, he found his Kokiri foe lying unconscious in the middle of a flower field. The music from earlier had returned, but this time it was very intense, as if someone was playing a flute or an ocarina or some other bullshit right above his head. The hero gazed up into a tree and spotted a face he hadn't seen in a while.

Link instantly recognized the Skull Kid from his previous adventures. The son of a bitch got off on making Link chase him around the forest as he played his dumb little instrument. And for what? All for shits and giggles!

"Do de dah, do de dah, do de dah dah do de dah de do....dah de dah do..." came the Skull Kid's song. He didn't cease playing his tune as Link noticed him, but only proceeded to play it louder and even more ear-piercing than before.

The kid responded by removing the flute or whatever away from his lips and hopped out of the tree, landing in front of the Hylian. He stayed silent, clutching his instrument in his small hands. Link detected the faint smell of cabbage.

"...Alright, fine! Where'd I put that stupid thing?" The Hero of Time reached into his satchel, which come to think of it, was sorta like a medieval fanny pack, and produced the magical ocarina. Of course, it didn't dawn on him to use the fucking thing to warp out of the Lost Woods, but then again, you readers know who we're dealing with. This guy isn't going to be winning any awards in astrophysics, that's for damn sure. He was lucky enough if he knew which boots went on each foot every morning. "Okay, I'll play with you!"

The Skull Kid clapped his hands together happily before resuming his music playing position. Link emulated him, unsure of what to do next. Then, the boy began to perform another tune as he bounced back and forth on both feet, but this one was unfamiliar to the hero.

"Dum de dum de do dah de eerrrkkk!" Fulfilling his role as the perpetual fuck-up of Hyrule, Link incorrectly played the last note of the passage, irking the Skull Kid. "Oh shit."

"No! I don't have time to play games! Saria's going to find me and do horrible things to my corpse after she kills me, and here you are, wasting my time without helping me!"

"Is the only thing you know how to do is play that Fisher-Price toy? Do you possess vocal cords? Are you just mute or fucking retarded? What is it going to take for me to get you to talk?!"

Link was fuming to the point where he felt his eyes crossing. The only thing he could do was attempt the tune one more time. He put the ocarina's mouthpiece between his lips and started to squeak away.

Link, using his amazing catlike reflexes (you know, from all those years of endless masturbation), hurled his ocarina at the Skull Kid's head, where it made direct contact. The poor creature cackled one last time before falling onto a pile of leaves, out cold.

"Heh, you play that tune, mother fucker." Link then chuckled to himself, "Hehe, that felt good! I've been meaning to hurt that bastard for some time now! But I still don't have a way out of here. Eh, it was worth it."

Forgetting about his instrument, (which apparently doubles as a projectile of pain in this story) he ran out of the Skull Kid's domain and into the nearest tunnel. He was alone, except for some trees and several woodland critters staring at him.

They greeted each other with a quick hug. Link watched lustfully as Zelda tried to catch her breath. She was sweaty and her bodice was tight. Hell, she could barely breathe, but to Link, she looked hot.

"I just followed the trail of bodies you left in your wake." Zelda joked, referring to Mido and the Skull Kid. "I found them in the previous clearing, along with THIS." She slapped the Ocarina of Time hard against Link's chest. "You can't go around leaving this all over the place! It's a sacred instrument or some junk!"

"And what would you suggest I use to carry my equipment, Princess? Oh, I know!" he sarcastically quipped. "I'll just shove everything up my ass! Lord knows there's enough room up there for everything, including my boomerang and slingshot! Hold on, let me just bend over and shove the ocarina up there too. Maybe if I fart it'll play a nice ditty."

"Let's get out of here!" He took the princess' hand and pulled her alongside him into a previously unexplored tunnel. They didn't care where it brought them, just as long as it was nowhere near that bitch Saria.

This time, the tunnel led them to a completely new area. Hell, they weren't even in the Lost Woods anymore! It was a special warp tunnel. Now that was some hot shit right there.

"Gee, what gave that away? Couldn't have been the mountains spewing lava and the Gorons sitting over there having a picnic, could it? Your powers of perception amaze me, hero."

Meanwhile, the two Gorons who had their picnic rudely interrupted by Blonde and Blonder stood up and approached the pair. They couldn't believe who was standing before their eyes!

Zelda quickly noticed the two Gorons making their way towards her and stopped walking dead in her tracks. She had never seen a Goron in person before. In coloring books yes, but never face-to-face. They sure were odd little things, with their portly frames and brown skin.

"Yes, as soon as possible!" interjected the princess. She already didn't like the Gorons. For some reason, she couldn't get the song "Dueling Banjos" out of her head.

As the foursome made their way up Death Mountain, Zelda remained close to her hero by grabbing a hold of his arm. Link felt his brow lift (you readers were probably expecting some sort of erection joke here, but I decided to go for some shock value by not making a vulgar comment, for a change) at the princess' touch.

"Then you're the ringmaster of the freak show, jerkoff!" Zelda released her grip on his arm and pushed him away. "God Link, you really know how to kill the mood."

"It's because of your friends that our private time keeps getting interrupted!" She ceased following her Goron guides to scold the Hero of Time. If she felt like shit, he needed to feel like shit too...even
more-so! "All of your so called 'buddies' try to kill me and have sex with you! Have you noticed that?"

"Well I hate all of your 'friends', Link!" Somewhere between meeting the Gorons and the "freak show" remark, Zelda had lost her mind. "It's because of that fish bitch Ruto that we had such a miserable time in Zora's Domain! And you know what we would've been doing if that asshole didn't interrupt us?"

"And remember when we went to Lon Lon Ranch?" Zelda continued ranting to the hero, who for reasons beyond him, was getting very aroused. "That insane ranch-girl wanted you too!"

"Damn straight, Mr. Hero! And now you're letting these two hillbillies drag us back to the bayou where they live? Who knows what'll happen to us there! I've seen the movie Deliverance, Link, and it doesn't end well!!"

"Err, change of plans!" He began to drag Zelda back towards the tunnel's entrance. During their short conversation, they only moved like ten feet. It was kinda like watching a Lord of the Rings movie. The idiots trek across twelve feet of land in three and a half hours. Wow, I'm just full of Lord of the Rings references in this chapter. Think I need some new material?

"I don't care!! I'm not gonna let anything get in the way this time!" he barked, pulling Zelda behind him as if she were a naughty child. "You and I are gonna shag if it kills me!"

"Because someone's bound to walk in on us there, whether it be Aaron, Sir Shitsalot, or your father! Also, your damn pet octorok will probably hit me in the ass with a rock if I go anywhere near you!"

"I hate to break it to you, hero, but we won't exactly have privacy in Kokiri Forest either, considering that there's an enraged midget after us. Did you forget about that?"

Zelda felt her eyes bug out at Link's outburst. ...Oh my stars, he's telling me to shut up! ME!!!! When we're done mating like two bonobos in heat, I'm gonna shove my high-heeled boot right up his poop chute!...

She stared at Link as he eagerly decided which tunnel to try next. She had to admit, that the mad look in his eyes made him look super sexy, complete with the disheveled hair and tunic. She wanted it rough. She wanted it bad.

"Here goes nothing!" He yanked Zelda after him into one of the tunnels. What awaited them on the other side was nothing short of bizarre. They certainly weren't in Hyrule anymore, that's for damn sure!

"What the hell?" Zelda scanned her new surroundings. They were in a meadow filled with miniature mushrooms. The clouds had happy faces on them. Happy faces! On clouds! How crazy wacky! "Link, I'm frightened!"

"Oh Zelda, you're still the only princess I'd ever want to hit." ...In more ways than one!!!!... "Which brings me back..." He eyed his lady-friend up and down to remind himself why exactly he dragged them both back into the Lost Woods in the first place. He'd get his shag, even if it killed him!!!

"And I am Mario! Would you two like to come over for some-a pizza?"the plumber invited the visitors. "Everyone knows that Italian-Americans make the best pizza! Especially Italian-Americans from Brooklyn!" Now, all Italian-Americans, myself included, do not make the best pizza. Hell, I can't even fucking cook. Thanks a LOT, Nintendo! These damn stereotypes about us better stop, ya heard? Don't make me get Tony Soprano on your ass, because everyone knows that Italians have mob connections...which may be partially true on my part, thanks to my Sicilian relatives. TANGENT ALERT! Back to the story!

"I need to get out of here! What's gonna happen to me next? Donkey Kong gonna fall out of the sky and onto my head?!" Link and Zelda headed over to the mouth of the tunnel. "I've been having the worst day ever!!"

"Peace out, bitches!" Link shouted as he pulled his woman into the warp-tree thingie. Luckily, they ended up back in the Lost Woods. "Whew, thank God! That place was scary!"

They entered a second gaping maw made of tree trunk and ended up in another dump--Zora's Domain. They couldn't have warped to a worse place, as they found themselves cornered by several Zoras.

"Hmm... Since I'm probably never going to get Link, maybe I can use this guy..." She walked over to the boy and examined him. "I can put him in a green tunic, and he can keep that mask on. Yes, he'll do. He'll do just fine!"

Saria cackled with glee to herself as she took a hold of the kid's ankles and began to drag him through the forest chamber. The motion caused him to stir and groan. The sage turned to her new prize and smiled.

The Skull Kid was fully awake now! He shook his head and hands negatively as he wriggled to get free, but alas, he could not. Scared for his life, he started to make whimpering sounds. Saria faced her new friend again.

Suddenly, the only thing you could hear was the high-pitched screaming of the Skull Kid all over the Lost Woods. Even Link and Zelda, who were still fighting in another area of the forest, heard it. It made them come to their senses.

The two gingerly ran into the warp, and were relieved when they saw Hyrule Castle in the distance once they exited. They were no longer in the Lost Woods, but in Hyrule Field. The most important part was that it was nowhere near the Kokiri!

He somehow magically lit the bomb without the aid of a match (hey people, that's like how it is in the game. Don't go looking for an explanation when you know there isn't one) and placed it in front of the tunnel's entrance.

The bomb exploded, causing a bunch of rocks to cave in, sealing the warp off for good. What Link didn't realize was that he probably started a forest fire in the process, but oh well. Smokey the Bear could burn in hell with the rest of the Kokiri for all he cared.

In the meantime, up on Death Mountain, Ganon was concocting a new plan for messing with his favorite pair of Hylian elves. This time, he actually came up with something good, aside from the usual "plundering Hyrule and taking the Triforces and kidnaping Zelda etc. etc." Even he grew bored of it. After watching several episodes of The Golden Girls, he was filled with the inspiration that only Bea Arthur could provide, and finally hatched an idea that was insane enough to work.

"BWA HAHA! I HAVE COME UP WITH THE ULTIMATE PLAN TO PISS OFF MR. LEFTY AND THE BLONDE WONDER!" He was in his chamber, talking wildly to himself, like any crazed villain would do. "WITH MY NEW CREATIONS," The Evil Incarnation of Darkness turned around to face carbon copies of Link and Zelda. "I AM SURE TO CONFUSE A FEW PEOPLE! OF COURSE, THOSE HYLIANS ARE SO DAMN STUPID THEY PROBABLY WON'T EVEN NOTICE." Ganon overlooked his creations and admired how accurately they resembled the real Link and Zelda.

The two clones simply turned around in a circle so their master could have one final chance to inspect them for any significant physical differences to the real deals.

Now, dear readers, I'm sure you know exactly where the Dark Link character comes from, but Evil Zelda's a rip-off of one of the Legend of Zelda cartoon episodes. Remember the one where Ganon created Zelda's doppelganger, and she wore black lipstick and made out with Link? You knew it totally wasn't the real Zelda if she made out with Link, because the real princess would've been like, "EWWW!!!" Well, that's where I pulled the Evil Zelda bitch from. Respect.

Still, Ganon's Link and Zelda doubles weren't exactly perfect. Dark Link was just like the real Link in every single way physically, even down to his battle scars. The only differences were that his tunic was black, not green, his eyes sometimes turned red, and he occasionally foamed at the mouth. His voice also had a seductive tone to it, like he went through puberty or something. Okay, so the differences between Dark Link and the Hero of Time were significant, but as already stated, the Hylians were idiots and wouldn't catch on too quickly. Evil Zelda was just a nastier version of Zelda. Ganon realized it was going to be hard to tell the two apart, since they were both huge bitches. Oh, and she loved to wear dark dresses with plunging necklines and tight corsets to show off her ample bosom.

"SOMEHOW BEING GOOD AND BEING YOU DON'T MIX. NO MATTER! GO WREAK HAVOC IN HYRULE, MY MINIONS!" The Demon Thief's tone suddenly softened, "...And if one of you two goons happens to come across Miss Snuffles, give her a hug and a kiss from Uncle Ganon. NOW GOOOOOO!!!!!"

So Dark Link and Evil Zelda left Death Mountain and headed for their destinationHyrule Castle. They were planning to spread chaos wherever they went in the name of Ganon, who clearly had nothing else better to do with his spare time. One thing was for sure though. He didn't care if it blew his cover, but Dark Link was out to score with the real Zelda. Not even the true Hero of Time himself was gonna stand in his way. It was on.