My eyes are bleeding. Bring me back to the Legend of Zelda Index Page! |
Ya liked that, didn't ya bitch? Here's Chapter Eight! |
Chapter Seven: Chillin' Wit da Zoras *Chapter Seven took so long to complete because I basically rewrote it from scratch. I wasn't happy with the original I did years ago, so I updated it to fit with today's times. At the end of this chapter, I stole several lines from some of my favorite movies, including Zoolander, Kill Bill Volume 1, and my all time favorite, Gladiator. If you can spot all the references, I'll give you a pat on the head and send you on your way.* Twenty minutes had elapsed since the mindless rambling of Link and Zelda in the previous chapter. Well, they weren't exactly aware that their tale was being recorded in chapters but...err...aw fuck it. Anyway, not a word was exchanged between the two, and as the old cliche goes, the silence was deafening. Luckily the entrance to Zora's Domain was only about ten feet away. "We're almost there, Zelda." Link turned his head halfway to talk to the princess. "Don't fall asleep on me now." "I'm not..." Her voice came as muffled and groggy while she slowly began to stir around. "I'm just resting my head." "Uh-huh..." he smirked. ...May I lay my head in your lap, my lady? Oh, Hamlet, eat your heart out!... Link stupidly began to giggle at his thought. Zelda's eyes shot open and she made a face. ...What in Din's name is he laughing at? Has he finally snapped? Is he gonna go all apeshit on me? He still owes me another pet. Perhaps I'll have him buy me a goldfish. I'll name it Scaley. It would be a cute little fish that I'd feed flakes to- Her puny dreams were put on hold when Epona suddenly came to a stop and a strange voice rang out through the air. "Hey Link! Long time no see!" "Hi there, Zora!" the Hero of Time greeted with a smile as he addressed the guard....guarding the Domain. Zelda removed her head from off of Link's back and screamed at the sight that welcomed her. "Aagghh! What is that thing?!" The poor Zora shrunk back, not sure of how to address her question. "Princess!" Link scolded. "That's impolite. He's a Zora. They're really cool people...err, I mean fish. Whatever." He stammered as he dismounted Epona. "Oh, I've never seen one before. I'm sorry." Zelda apologized as her escort helped her off the horse. "Yeah sure..." the Zora disregarded the princess' display of idiocy. "Well Link, you've arrived at a good time. We're having Zora Gras, and now it's Happy Hour!" "Woah, kick ass! Food and alcohol!" Link happily cried, taking Zelda's hand. The princess rolled her eyes. ...Oh yeah, that's all we need is a repeat of the other night. He's a babbling fool while sober, so I see no need for him to drink... Zelda, sweetheart, you're the reason he drinks. What fools ye Hyrulians be. I must be on a Shakespeare kick or something. Author tangent alert!! "You and your lady friend go inside and enjoy yourselves. I'm sure the King will be happy to see you. I'll place Epona in the stable." Zora explained as he took hold of the horse's reigns. Zelda was annoyed at how she was being treated. Dammit, she was a pretty pretty princess! "Excuse me! Do you know who I am?" she questioned the fish-man thing. "Umm...Link's girlfriend?" "I'm Princess Zelda of Hyrule!" "Zelda, here they obey a different princess." Link interrupted. "Oh, so you're Zelda!" Zora snickered. "You're the one who has an awful habit of getting kidnaped." "Well yes, I suppose I do. Ganon can be so sneaky at times! The last time he dressed himself up as the Kentucky Fried Chicken colonial and suckered me into tasting his new recipe for buffalo wings-" "You should hear how highly Link speaks of you..." "Oh really?" Zelda's ears perked up. ...Does he tell you he wants to place me upon his knee and spank me? I hope so!... Link began to get uncomfortable. He remembered the last time he had hung out with the Zoras. In a drunken stupor, he told them that for all the shit he did for Zelda, she should ride him like how he rides Epona. He gulped as he awaited for Zora's response. "Yeah, don't worry Zelda. Link never has anything bad to say about you." the guard grinned, flashing Link a quick gaze. The Hero smiled back, relieved. His dirty little secrets were safe for now. "That's interesting." Zelda chirped. "Come on, Link. I'm hungry!" The amphibious creature led the two into Zora's Domain. It basically looked like a giant water part, slides included. Their host led them into what appeared to be the town square, where hundreds of Zoras were partying. "We should see the king first." Link directed, taking Zelda's hand. ...Heh heh...smooth... "Sure, if you say so, Link." Zelda said. "I've never been here before. I've read about it in storybooks and stuff." "It's not your fault you're sheltered, Zelda." "What did you say?" she snapped. "I said nothing. Your ears are playing tricks on you." Link blew off the princess and spotted the king sitting above a canopy on a large ledge surrounded by royal servants. "God. He's really porked out, hasn't he?" He yanked Zelda over the where the Zora king was perched. "Your Highness?" he politely addressed the portly fish. "...Link! Salutations! What brings you here?" the king asked, waving a webbed hand at the two. "Oh, it's just a friendly visit." the Hero of Time moved closer to the Zora and bowed his head in reverence. "Make yourselves at home! And who's the lady?" smirked the king as he rubbed elbows with Link. Before her Hero could answer, Zelda introduced herself. "I'm Princess Zelda of Hyrule." "So you're Zelda!" "Yes... Why does everyone seem so shocked to finally meet me?" she uneasily asked. "No reason." Link butted in. "Well, Link does always talk about you." the king boasted, clicking his heels together. The princess turned to Link and smiled. He blushed and almost shat his tights. "How about you two go get something to eat? I'll book you two rooms in my palace so you can stay the night." King Zora volunteered. "It's not every day we have royalty from other places visit! Hehe...shall that be one room or two?" "One!" Link cheered. ...Mmm...More quality time with Zelda...in the same room...snuggle time!... "Two!" Zelda simultaneously answered. "Well excuse me, Princess!" "I'll take that as a 'two'." the king grinned. "Sure, sounds sweet." Link shrugged his shoulders. ...Eh, you can't win them all, Hero... Zelda nodded her head in approval. Meanwhile, her panties were afire, but she had to keep her distance from Link, otherwise she'd end up doing something stupid, like kiss him. Now that would be silly. Almost as silly and pointless as this story. Ten minutes later, Link and Zelda found themselves seated at a table with other Zoras. A dinner of fresh fish (what the hell did you expect? Fried chicken?) and chips was set out before them. They were gonna pretend to be Limeys for the evening. Many of the Zoras had never seen a Hylian female before, so they often gawked at the princess. Now knowing what to do, she stupidly smiled back. Link was shoveling down his food like a slob. ...The Zoras seem to be fond of Link. Many his animal-like eating habits amuse them... Zelda chuckled to herself. She looked up again to see three damn Zoras staring right at her as they gnawed on some chips. She uncomfortably began to push some fish around on her plate. Some conversation had to be brought up before she went insane and stabbed them all with her fork. "So...what are your names?" she asked the group at her table. "Our name is 'Zora'." one answered. "...Zora?" "Yes." "All of you have the same name?" "Yes." "Oh...how do you tell each other apart then?" "Easily. Watch." The Zora turned around to a crowd of Zoras a few tables away. "Hey, Zora!" They all turned around to look. "See? It's flawless." "Err, yes, it works perfectly." Zelda lied. The Zora smiled at her. "Hey Zelda, you're cool. Let me buy you a drink." At the creature's offer, Link's head perked up. He glared at the fish. No one dared to make a move on his woman. He'd have to break out his Bombos medallion and start tearin' shit up. "I don't drink. But thank you anyway." she politely declined. "My daddy told me only whores drink alcohol. Ladies sip tea." "Not even just a little wine cooler?" "Well..." Link just gazed back and forth at Zelda and Zora. "The Princess doesn't normally drink." he interjected, crunching down hard on a chip. "Relax, big guy. I'm not trying to pick up your woman. I just want to buy her a drink." Zora calmly stated. "Alright, Zora. You can get me a vodka and cranberry!" Zelda smiled. "Vodka and cranberry?!" Link barked. "But Zelda--" "Shut up, Link." she nonchalantly replied, sticking out her tongue. "One vodka and cranberry coming up." Zora left the table and headed over to the bar. "Hey Zora." he greeted the barkeep. "Hi Zora. What'll it be?" "One vodka and cranberry for Princess Zelda." "Aight, sounds nice." "Oh, and put a bit of this in it..." Zora produced a small plastic bag from his...umm...come to think about it, Zoras don't wear pants. Anyway, he pulled the bag out of somewhere and handed it over to the bartender. Inside was a white powder. "What's this?" "It'll just add a little zing to her drink." "You're not planning what I think you are, are you?" "No! Trust me, Link will thank me in the morning for it." "If you say so. One vodka and cranberry coming up..." Back at the table, Link was annoying Zelda about her sudden desire for alcohol. It was very unlike her. She was being saucy and needed to be reprimanded. Yay! "Gee Zelda, I hope you can hold your liquor." "Link, it's only one drink! What do you think I am? A cheap date?" "...I wish." he mumbled. "Sure, you only say one now, but soon it'll be three or four." "Like you should be talking about holding liquor! Who was puking his guts out a few nights ago from cheap beer?" she snarled. Link couldn't think of anything intelligent to say back to her. "...Uh, shut up." "Yeah, that's what I thought." Zelda grinned. Suddenly a loud, high pitched, shrieking voice ripped through the air. "Link! There you are, you two-timing bastard!" Out from the crowd stepped the Zora princess, Ruto. "Aw Jesus fucking Christ..." Link grumbled, trying to lower his head so she couldn't see him. But he was too late. She had him in her sight. "Who...or more aptly, what the hell is that?" Zelda asked, pissed off at the unwelcome visitor. "I am Link's fiancee!" Ruto replied as she puffed out her chest. "Fiancee?!" the Hylian princess barked, glaring at Link. "You best be telling me she's lying, boy!!" "She's a filthy liar!" Link tried to explain, but Ruto cut him short. "Don't lie, you jerk! First you come here, take my mother's engagement ring, then run off to rescue this...this...hussy!" She pointed a long, scaley finger at Zelda. "Hey! Don't you dare call her that!" the Hero growled. "I don't even like you in that way! You've got to move on!" "Homewrecker!" Ruto yelled at Zelda, ignoring Link's comment. Link got to his feet and kept his fists down on the table. "Ruto, we are not engaged! We never were, and never will be!" "First I gave you the ring, then my eternal love, and this is how you repay me?!" "Goddammit! I don't love you! You're a fish! I'm Hylian! We're a whole different species!" "True love has no boundaries. You cheated on me, you asshole!" "I didn't cheat on you!" "Lie all you want, Link. Deny our love for your cheap tramp! I'll deal with you later." With that, the Zora princess left. Zelda turned and looked up at Link, who was fuming. "Calm down, big boy." she said, tugging on his tunic for him to sit down. "That crazy fish! She's insane. Nothing happened between her and I, Zelda. She's delusional!" "I believe you, Link. Heh, even you're not that desperate." Zora had finally returned with Zelda's drink. He handed it to the princess and slapped Link on the shoulder. "Woah, I saw what happened. Sorry about that." he sympathetically said, sitting down. "Yeah..." the Hero of Time muttered as he restrained himself. "How about we just all calm down and have a drink...or two." Zelda suggested, sipping hers. Let's just say that in a half hour time span, the princess had chugged down about four drinks, all courtesy of her Zora buddy with the mysterious white powder. Link watched in awe as Zelda transformed before his very eyes. "Tee-hee! I really like it here, Link. It's so bright and...blue." she giggled, taking a hold of his left arm. "Oh Link, your arm is so strong." She squeezed his muscles. "Why thank you, Zelda. It is my sword arm." "Not to mention your arm for--" "How do you know about my nightly habits?!" "I was gonna say it's your bow arm too. Jeez..." She slugged back a large gulp of her drink, polishing off her fourth glass in the process. Link couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something very different about the princess. She wasn't acting like she was drunk, because she seemed somewhat coherent. Her speech wasn't slurred and her equilibrium was alright. He saw the difference in her eyes. Yes...she eyed him hungrily. He wasn't sure how to react. "How are you enjoying your drinks, Zelda?" Zora inquired as he mischievously grinned at the Hylian pair. Link weirdly stared back. He knew something was up...besides himself, of course. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! She didn't respond because she was too busy eyeing the Hero up and down like a pork chop. He nervously looked at her. He couldn't believe what was happening. It was almost too good to be true...and also extremely out of character for her. While it was tempting, he knew he had to keep his cool. Finally Zelda attempted to form a sentence. "Link...you...oh God...you...look so...so...tempting. Like a hot apple pie. With whipped cream...and a cherry on top." "Zelda, are you feeling alright?" he slowly questioned, pushing away her glass without her noticing. She answered by grabbing his tunic's collar, pulling his face close to hers. He could smell cranberries on her breath and was very tempted to snatch a kiss, but kept back. He didn't even notice his own fingers digging into the sides of his chair. Resisting Zelda was harder than dodging one of Ganon's lightning bolts to the ass. "You look so goddam good, Link. And you smell like...a mix between sweat and Budweiser. But I like it. It's hot..." "I haven't bathed in over a day...that would explain it." "Link, take me to my room. That's an order." The lustful nature in her blue eyes was evident, yet he couldn't disobey his princess. "Y-Yes, Princess." Link cautiously rose from his seat and didn't even notice that he was physically trembling for everyone to see. ...This is it, Link! Your days of being a loser have finally come to an end! She's finally yours! You're gonna get laid!!! Something isn't right though. Perhaps this is a dream...like what happened with that goddam tree branch!! Any minute now you'll wake up and... "Link? I'm waiting." Zelda crossed her arms. She had also stood up and was waiting for her Hero to return back from his severely damaged psyche. "Oh! I-I'm sorry. Umm...Zora, could you lead us to Zelda's room so I can take care of her?" "Yeah Link! Bring her to her bedroom and take care of her!" a bunch of Zoras cackled. Some winked at him. Others flashed him a "thumbs up". Either way, he was frightened of things to come. "Time to take care of that bitch, Link!" another cried. "Yeah, time to take care of that bitch, Link." Zelda purred. "Just throw me on the bed and tuck me in under the covers. I might get cold though...so you better stay with me." "I...I...I...I...I...I...okay." he stammered. "I'll lead you to the palace's sleeping quarters." one Zora explained. "Say 'goodnight', you two." "Goodnight, everyone..." Zelda wickedly smirked. "Thanks, everyone. We'll see you in the morning." Link politely waved as a look of uncertainty appeared across his face. Without warning, Zelda slapped him across the ass. He was shocked, yet oddly aroused. He nervously laughed at the Zoras, then walked off with his princess. "Hey, Zora. What the hell did you put in her drink?" one fish asked his comrade as the pair disappeared off into a hallway somewhere. "Heh, only the most powerful aphrodisiac known to us Zoras..." he smugly answered. "No shit? That's crazy!" "Link deserves some love! I thought I'd give him a hand." "It's not some date rape drug, is it?" "Nope. It's just something to guarantee that they'll both wake up very happy in the morning..." So Link and Zelda were led to a nicely decorated bedroom in the palace's inner quarters by one of their Zora hosts. "Just holler if you need anything." he said. "You know where to find me." "Thanks..." Link replied. "No problem. Nite!" Their host walked off, leaving them alone. Zelda entered the room without waiting for Link. He watched, not sure what to do. "Well...okay, Zelda. You're safe in your room, so I'll be leaving now. Goodnight." Link was just about to run away when she spoke. "Get in here now." Her voice was stern and seductive at the same time. He gulped. Carefully he entered the bedroom and shut the door. She immediately darted over and grabbed him by the tunic. "Z-Zelda, are you alright? I think you've had a bit too much to drink and probably have absolutely no idea what you're doing right now." "I know exactly what I'm doing." "No, I don't think you do. I have a very bad feeling that you're gonna kick my ass in the morning if I go along with this." ...Link, why are you being such a fool? She's throwing herself at you! You may never have a chance like this again! You gotta take what you can get, buddy. No! I must be a gentleman. Zelda trusts me, and she's clearly not herself right now. I can't take advantage of that. Goddammit, I'm such a dork!... "Come here..." She started pulling him over to the bed. As much as he tried to fight it, he realized he was going to lose the battle. He began to weigh the possible outcomes. ...I have hot, wild monkey sex with her tonight. Okay, fine. Tomorrow morning she either cuddles up next to me or runs me through with my own sword. Ouch. I don't like that second outcome. Is one night with her really worth that?... "What do you have planned, Zelda?" Link stupidly asked. God, talk about a rhetorical question. "I told you," she explained as if she were talking to a child. Well, Link's mentality at the moment about matched a child's. "I want you to tuck me in." "A-Alright. I can do that. No problem." Zelda sat down on the bed and awaited his reaction. Link took hold of the covers and pulled them down a bit, then stared back at the princess. She didn't vocally respond, but instead looked at him the way a heroin addict would eye a needle. Wow, that was a strange metaphor. Don't go thinking that the author is a drug addict, because she's not. I just like colorful terminology. I also like rainbows and kittens. "What are you waiting for, hero?" she mockingly cracked at him. "Err, never mind. I was just lost in thought." Link got a sudden mental image of a mouse trying to find its way through a maze. At the end was a piece of cheese. Instead of navigating through the numerous pathways in order to reach the food, Link's mouse kept slamming his head over and over into a wall until he saw double. Lost in thought. Right... "I can't wait any longer! Come here!" Zelda reached up and pulled the Hero of Time down on top of her, causing every single one of Link's brain cells to explode out of excitement. He wordlessly looked down at her, too shocked to say anything. The princess giggled back at him and wrapped her arms around his back. "Why do you look so startled?" "I-I'm not startled." he nervously replied. His eyes were roaming Zelda's body like a smorgasbord, not sure of where to look first. ...Gotta stay in control, Link! This is the alcohol talking, not your actual bitchy princess. But she's totally ready to go! Ouch! Damn blonde hair! I'm thinking too much again... "I believe you're pondering about this too much, Link." Zelda pressed her fingertips against his lips and laughed. "You seem to stall at the best situations and go forward at the worst." "Heh...yeah, that's me. I do everything ass backwards." "Want to do me that way too?" Her question was so subtly said that it caused Link to do a double take. ...She did NOT just ask me that question, oh, she did NOT just ask it! Jesus Christ, I can't take it anymore!! Link, gain control, you horny beast! I can't! She's begging me shag her! I'd have to be deaf, dumb, blind, quadriplegic, legally insane, and quite frankly, dead, to resist her!... "E-Excuse me, Princess? What did you just say?" ...Let me hear you say it again, Zelda! I wanna hear you say how badly you want me!... "Do you have an excessive buildup of wax in your ears, hero? I thought you wanted this." she smugly smirked, running her fingers through his hair. Her motions knocked Link's trademark green sock-cap off his head and triggered him to begin purring. "There...that's more like it." "Oh Zelda, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." "Then kiss me." He began to move his face closer to hers and was just about to plant one on her lips when he pulled away. "No, this is bad. I can't." "Goddamit, Link! I'm not tempting enough for you?" "Oh no, Princess, trust me, it's not you." "Then what is it?" "....Okay, it is you." "What's wrong?" she smiled. Her lips found their way to the side of his neck, where she proceeded to brush them against his skin. Link felt his eyes roll back into his skull as mental images of sugar plums danced in his head. It was delightful. Without alarming him, she pushed him off of her and onto his back. Then like she would do to any good horsey, she straddled him. Hehe! Link, the Hylian Stallion! ....Sweet merciful crap, that had to be the worst word play pun I have ever written. It didn't even rhyme! Hylian Stallion?! What the fuck?! Isn't there a name for phrases like that which don't quite rhyme but are supposed to be that way or something? Ugh, I'll be expecting Fed-Ex envelopes loaded with anthrax to come to my front door now for writing that. If any of you have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm rambling about now--good. Let me redeem myself. Link remained silent as Zelda happily sat on top of his "danger zone". ...I hope she doesn't feel my massive hard on! Oh God, she's got to! I'm so giddy I could puke!... Her hands began to roam up and down his chest. "Ohh...you're so muscular, Link." "Yeah, being a hero does that to you." "Take your hot, sexy green tunic off." she bluntly commanded. "I prefer you in your pretty blue one. It brings out your eyes. But right now, I'd like to bring out something else of yours." Link whimpered. He felt like a caged rat, waiting to be fed to a hungry boa constrictor. Indeed, he had been hoping for such a moment over the past ten years, and now when he finally got it, he clammed up. "I-I can't do that." "You can't take your tunic off? Didn't your mother teach you how to undress, silly hero?" "Err, no. She died when I was a baby. Remember? The accident involving the pyromaniac and the haystack?" "Oh yes, how could I forget?" she frowned, leaning in closer. "Forget I asked that. Now, are you ready to make our fantasies a reality or what?" Link's attention had turned to a long lock of Zelda's blonde hair that was now resting on his cheek. It felt so soft against his skin, and smelled like Herbal Essences Fruit Fusion shampoo. "Your hair smells really pretty..." he mindlessly commented with an silly grin. "Do you want to find out what the rest of me smells like, Hero?" ".....YES!!" Link had finally snapped. Without warning, he grabbed a hold of Zelda and quickly reversed the situation once again. "It's about damn time, Hero!" the princess moved in to kiss him when he opened up his black hole of a mouth and began to speak somewhat coherently. "Zelda, I've always had this fantasy about you." "Oh, really? Well tell me about it." "It involves me, you, and whipped cream." "It does?" Her eyes lit up. "That certainly is kinky." "Do you mind if I do something first before we get started?" "You've already been stalling enough. Sure, I can wait a few more minutes." "Oh goody!" Link hopped off the bed and darted over to the bedroom door. He quickly opened it and stuck his head out. Down the hall a Zora guard was on watch. "Ah, perfect! Hey, Mr. Zora Guard Dude!" The fish picked his head up and looked at Link. "Yes, sir?" "Umm...can you come here?" "If you wish." So the guard made his way over to the Hero of Time. "How may I help you, sir?" "Do you guys happen to have any containers of whipped cream around here?" The fish found the request odd, but slowly began to shake his head affirmatively. "I believe there may be some in the royal kitchens." "...Could you hook us up with a few?" "I-If you wish, sir. I'll be right back." "Delightful!" Link chirped, slamming the door shut in the Zora's face. Unaware that the Hero wasn't alone in the room, the guard began to mutter to himself, "That boy should get a girlfriend soon. If Princess Zelda found out about his bizarre behavior, she'd probably have him euthanized." Meanwhile, both the guard and Link didn't know that someone had been eavesdropping on them. Hiding behind a marble pillar, the Zora princess was fuming. Apparently she had been stalking the castle, trying to find her Hylian fiancee when she stumbled upon the whipped cream conversation. She had found her man all right, but he was about to get freaky with another woman. That shit didn't fly with Ruto. "Hmph! I'll show that two-timing bastard!" Just as the Zora guard began walking down the hall to fulfill Link's peculiar request, Ruto grabbed a vase from off a table and broke it over the guard's head as he passed by. The poor guy fell down to the floor, out cold. Ruto stepped out from behind the pillar and glared at Link's closed bedroom door. "I'll get your fucking whipped cream, you schmuck!" She wrung her hands together, then took a hold of the guard's feet. Careful not to awake him, she dragged him behind the pillar so no one would notice. After he was taken care of, she kicked the vase shards into the nearest corner. "I'll be right back with your order, sir." she growled as she disappeared down the hallway. Back inside the room, things were going swell. Zelda was cuddling in Link's arms and listening to him babble on about his adventures. It was a good way to kill the time before the real party got started. "...So that's the story about what happened to me when I ventured into the Dark World without my Magic Mirror." Link said. "You must've been one hot bunny rabbit." "You're damn straight, Zelda." "Oh Link, what's taking him so long?" the princess cooed. She adjusted herself so that she'd be facing her hero. "I'm so horny!" "Me too." Link wickedly smirked, squeezing Zelda. He started to move in to kiss her when a knock on the door interrupted them. "Oh, the whipped cream's here!" "Hurry up and get it!" "I shall!" Another knock came, but this time it was louder and faster. "I'm coming!" Link called. He got up off the bed and trotted over to the door. "Geez, who lit a fire under his ass?" he chuckled, shooting Zelda one last glance. Giddily, he opened up the door. "It's about time--" Link was greeted by a strong blast of whipped cream straight into the eyes. "Oh my God, I can't see! My eyes!" He staggered into the room and stumbled onto the floor and began to twitch around wildly. Zelda instantly got to her feet when she saw the intruder enter the room. "What the hell do you want, Ruto?!" Zelda shrieked. "Ruto?! What in God's name did she do to me?!" the fallen hero cried, still trying to remove the whipped cream away from his eyes. "You and I have unfinished business." Ruto threw down the empty whipped cream container and fixated her gaze upon the Hylian princess. "I'm gonna kick your boney blonde ass!" Fortunately enough for Zelda, the aphrodisiac's effect was still strong, and she didn't begin to whine and scream like she normally would've. "Fine, bitch. I accept your challenge." "Zelda, what's going on?" Link asked, alarmed and still blinded. "Shut up, Link. I'll handle this bitch." "Fuck you, you cocktease!" Ruto barked, pointing at Zelda. "All you do is lead Link on, pretending that he'll get a piece of it when in actuality you're just messing with his head. It doesn't matter anymore, because I'm gonna take the both of you out!" "I'd like to see your scaley ass try, bitch. After I'm through with you, you can go find Nemo and send him my regards." "Zelda!" Link warned. "Don't do anything brash!" "You shut the hell up too, Link! Once I kill your Hylian skank of a girlfriend, I'm gonna castrate you and send your balls to Ganon!" Ruto produced a small knife from out of her...er...hidden pocket. I keep forgetting Zoras don't wear clothes. She then aimed it at Zelda. "We'll have us a knife fight." "If you wish." "Zelda, help me! I'll take care of her!" the disabled Hero of Time whined. "Jesus Christ, what the hell was in this whipped cream?! I can't see!!!" The princess ignored her hero's plea and searched for a weapon of her own. Ruto gleamed as she watched the defenseless Hylian. Then, something big and shiney caught Zelda's eye. She leaned down and picked up the Master Sword, which Link had placed on a chair on the side of the room. The Zora's eyes bugged out. "Yes. A knife fight is exactly what we'll have." "Zelda! Did you just grab my sword? Put it down!" Link yelled to deaf ears. "C'mon, bitch. Come and get it." Zelda purred, holding the weapon with both hands because it was too heavy to hold with just one. She didn't know how to use the damn thing, but she'd sure as shit learn quickly. "I'll carve you up into fishsticks and serve you for dinner, along with ketchup and french fried potatoes." "Grr! I'm gonna ram that sword so far up your ass that it'll come out of your mouth!" Ruto charged at Zelda, knife wielded high above her head. She looked like Norman Bates from the movie Psycho. (That was the obvious movie reference for all simpletons.) Zelda braced herself and got prepared to attack. "Swing away, Zelda! Swing away!" Link exclaimed from his hiding spot. He had scampered over to the side of the bed while the ladies were exchanging verbal blows. He felt completely helpless as the whipped cream stung his eyes. He prayed to Din that Zelda would whoop Ruto's behind. The Zora was coming at Zelda fast, and the Hylian princess reacted hastily. She darted out of the way, causing Ruto to go flying into the wall. Raising the Master Sword, she went to stab the demented fish, but the Zora dodged her swing and jumped onto the bed. Instead, the sword hit a small coffee table, splitting it in two. "Holy shit, this thing's powerful!" Zelda squeaked, staring in disbelief at the weapon. "Watch it with my sword, Zelda!" Link butted in. "I don't care how scary that damn thing is, I'm gonna stab your eyes out!" Ruto hurled herself off the bed and attempted to jump on top of Zelda. "Get ready to become as blind as your elf boyfriend!" "What's going on here?!" a high pitched, shrilly voice screeched. Navi the faerie had finally found the room where her comrades had gone to ditch her. Her small eyes bugged out when she surveyed the scene. Ruto got distracted at the faerie's cry, allowing Zelda to dodge her a second time. "Navi! Help me!" Link helplessly wailed from his hiding place. "Zelda needs me, and I can't frickin' see!" "Hmm..." the sadistic faerie wordlessly watched the two princesses duke it out in the room. "I dunno, Link. This is awfully interesting to watch." "Don't you run away from me, bitch!" the Zora yelped as she grabbed onto Zelda's dress, causing the Hylian to suddenly jerk and fall flat onto her back. "Haha! I bet Link would love to see you now! Too bad he's...incapacitated." Ruto snickered as she leaned over her victim. "Yes, but it's me who he wants to see flat on her back and not you, shit-for-brains." smirked Zelda. In a flash, she sent a punch flying into the air. It came into contact with Ruto's jaw, knocking the fish a few steps back, stunning her. "Woo-hoo! I didn't think that prissy stuck-up witch had it in her, but she's kicking ass!" Navi cheered. She buzzed around Link's head, totally ignoring his requests for help. "You know, Link? First I was gonna bet everything on Ruto, but Zelda's really spunky tonight! Did you get her drunk in order to have your sick, perverted way with her? I thought you had more class than that!" "No! Zelda's not drunk! I have no idea what's up with her. She's been acting funny ever since dinnertime!" Link answered. "And I still can't see! Navi, you better help me, you roach!" "Fine, fine! You whine just like a girl. Hold still..." Meanwhile, the two feisty females were still out for the kill. The Zora princess was again chasing Zelda around the room with her knife. The Master Sword was now lost from Zelda's hands, leaving her defenseless. "I'm gonna carve up that pretty little face of yours, just like a Thanksgiving turkey!" Ruto screamed, cornering her enemy. "What are you gonna do now? What are you gonna do?" "Err...uhh...Judo chop!" Zelda's quick reaction caught Ruto off guard. She sent another punch at the fish, but this time she whacked her right in the arm. The knife the fish was holding fell to the floor, and before Ruto could reach for it, Zelda kneed her in the nose. Do Zoras even have noses? Oh well, they do now. "Ouch, my nose job!" she wailed, covering her face in pain. Zelda took the chance to attack. She jumped on top of the Zora, forcing herself onto the fish's back. The two girls landed on the floor with a loud thud. Zelda got off and began to drag Ruto over to the bedroom door. "What are you doing, you stupid blonde?!" Without a word, Zelda opened up the door slightly and proceeded to pull Ruto's head into its opening. "Hey!" Ruto cried again. "What are you gonna do?!" The Hylian princess raised an eyebrow. "It must be time for lunch, because you're about to get served!" With that, she slammed the door into Ruto's head. The fish yelped in pain. She then continued to do it again. And again. And again! "Jesus Christ, Zelda, stop it!" came an alarmed voice from behind her. The princess felt Link's arms wrap themselves around her and yank her away from the Zora. "You served her! It's over!" "That goddam fish better never mess with me again!" "She won't!" Link, with the aid of Navi, finally got his sight back. He couldn't believe the damage done to the room thanks to the two princesses, and not to mention the damage done to Ruto herself. "Ruto, are you alright?" The dazed fish hastily got to her feet and darted out of the room before Link could do anything. The Hero of Time and Zelda peeked out the door and watched Ruto as she staggered down the hallway, unconciously slam into a wall, and then vanish out of sight. Link directed his attention to Zelda. "Goddam Princess, I've never knew you had it in you!" He couldn't help but smirk. She had just kicked the living crap out of the Zora princess, but her display of violence turned him on. "Kiss me!" Zelda silently stared at him. Link frowned. "I guess that's a 'no', huh?" "You guessed correctly." "Oh well. At least I tried. Now we gotta get this room cleaned up before one of those Zoras sees what you did to it!" "Zelda, you pack quite a punch for a stuck-up, spoiled brat!" Navi chirped. The faerie was perched on one of the bedposts and waved at the princess. "Makes me kind of want to respect you, but just a little bit. You're still a neurotic sociopath...but you're one who kicks ass!" The Hylian princess ignored Navi's comment. "I'm going to bed." "But Zelda, you still don't want to...y'know..." Link started to sway back and forth on his heels and his eyes were glued to the floor. He continued to ramble on. "I'm still up for it if you are. I can just kick Navi out and-" "Good-night, Link." She didn't even wait for his reply and collapsed on the bed, shutting her eyes instantly. The Hero of Time ignored the snickering faerie and shook his head. "It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed." he muttered. "You can sleep next to me if you want." the princess suddenly interjected. Apparently the effects of the aphrodisiac were wearing off, but weren't completely gone yet. In her right state of mind, Zelda would have said something along the lines of, "Eww! Boy cooties!" or "Red plus yellow makes orange." "I-I can?" "Yeah sure." "Happy happy! Joy joy!" He scampered over to the bed and rested down next to the princess. "Just keep a polite distance between us, all right Hero?" "As you wish." Link smiled. "Isn't this cute? I better get the lights before I throw up." Navi sighed to herself, blowing out the candles in the room. After, she cutely positioned herself next to Link and put her dainty head down. "Hey, Zelda?" Link began. "Hmm?" came her groggy response. "How are we going to explain this tomorrow?" "We'll worry about it then. I just need to get some sleep." "Alright." He grew silent, but began to think in the darkness (not that fucking annoying glam rock band). ...Looks like this is the furthest I'm ever going to get with Zelda on this trip. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. I'll get her. Oh yes, one day, I will get her. She will be mine! But for now... Link held up his left hand. He couldn't see it in the blackness of the room, but it did not matter. It was there. ...I have a new best friend! Tee-hee!... "Link, put that thing down." both Navi and Zelda butted in. The Hero was startled. "H-How'd you-" "Link, just put it down." Zelda repeated. He wordlessly obeyed his princess. ...Blast! Foiled again!... The trio eventually fell asleep. Somehow during the night, Link and Zelda had gone from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed to gradually sleeping in each other's arms. By the next morning, they were entwined together, cuddling closely. Poor Navi had moved on top of one of the bedposts to sleep. Chattering outside the bedroom door caused Zelda to awaken first. She slowly opened up her eyes, ignoring Link's sleeping face extremely close to her own. Yawning, she moved away from him and sat up. Then it hit her. The room was trashed. Navi was asleep on the bed...and so was Link. ...Wait! This isn't my bedroom at Hyrule Castle! Oh--that's right. I've been traveling with Link. But...but how the hell did I get here?!... Zelda nervously pondered, turning her head to and fro, surveying the badly damaged room. ...I've never seen this room before! Why the hell is he snuggled so close to me?!... She then looked down at herself. Her hair was matted and sticking to her face and neck, and there were bruises forming on her arms. She also had a splitting headache, and a horrible-or was it wonderful?-thought came to her. "LINK!!" she screamed. Navi, at the princess' outburst, fell off the bedpost and Link was jerked out of a deep sleep. "W-Wha-What?!" he stuttered as he struggled to sit up. "What happened last night?!" Zelda demanded. He froze. Obviously she had no recollection of the events from the previous night. He had to make up an excuse, and fast! There was no way he could tell her about how she threw herself at him. As quickly as he had woken up, an idea came to him. "You got very drunk." he lied. "Did you try to fondle me?" Navi had to hold back a laugh at Zelda's question. Link bit his lower lip as hard as he could to prevent him from saying something totally retarded. "N-no, of course not!" He said it so firmly that she actually believed him for once. "Goddammit!" Navi ranted. "Can't a faerie ever get some rest? First, I had to get whipped cream out of Link's eyes after he was sprayed by that demented fish! Then, I had to endure the sickingly sweet scene of you and Link cuddling next to each other like a pair of newborn, brain- dead puppies! It's a wonder I got any rest at all! And then you-" She flew circles around Zelda's head. "-knock me off the bedpost!" The faerie's cries went unnoticed by the princess. "I got drunk?" she asked, very surprised at herself. "Yup. Don't worry, Princess. It happens to the best of us." Link sighed, resting back down on the bed. "Oh my. I can't believe it." "Yeah Zelda, and you kicked the royal crap out of Princess Ruto!" Navi yelled, perching herself on the bedpost again. "Just look at you!" "I did what?!" Link gulped, and continued to build his web of deceit. "Don't listen to her, Zelda. You didn't do that!" "How could you say that, Link?!" Navi angrily began to scream. "She-" "Nothing happened, Navi." Link growled. His eyes were glaring right at the faerie. She got frightened and quickly shut her trap. "Well, I certainly made an ass out of myself last night." Zelda said, resting next to Link. Looking down, she noticed the bruises on her arms. "Link?" "Yeah, Princess?" "Why do I have bruises on my arms?!" she asked, alarmed. Navi snickered and covered her mouth with her tiny hands. Link immediately fabricated another lie. "Err...I had to 'restrain' you a couple of times." "Yeah, restrain you from slamming Ruto's head in the door." Navi chuckled. The Hero of Time glared at her a second time. One thing was for sure. Navi was gonna die. "Huh?" Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Navi also had too much to drink. You know how badly alcohol can go through something as small as a faerie's system. She's completely intoxicated, Zelda. Look at her, she can't even balance on the bedpost. Her equilibrium's totally off." Link explained, keeping his gaze fixed on Navi the entire time. "Oh Link, please don't tell my dad about this! If he finds out about my insolent behavior, I'll get a spanking!" Zelda pleaded, tugging on Link's collar. The Hero sat up and grinned at her words. "Ohh, do I also get to give you a spanking?" "Link!" "Oh, c'mon! Princess, you're twenty years old. Do you honestly think he's gonna spank you now?" "Knowing Daddy, yes." "Your secret's safe with me, Princess." Link shrugged with a smile. "But not with me!" Navi wickedly yelled, flying around the couple. "Navi!" Zelda desperately begged. "Please don't tell!" She couldn't believe she was pleading to the little roach. "Oh Zelda, don't you worry. Navi won't say a word." Link eyed the faerie again. "But if she does, I'll kill her." Link said it so nonchalantly that he sounded dead serious. He smiled at Navi, who in turn scowled back. She wouldn't put it passed him to flip out one day and squash her with the TV Guide. "Why thank you, Link. I know my dirty secret's safe now." Zelda happily said, getting out of bed. "Getting up so early, Princess?" he asked. "Yes. I'd like to leave very soon. The sooner we get to Death Mountain, the sooner we get my kitty and return home." "I agree." ...Yes! And the sooner I get to sleep in my own bed! Woo-hoo!... "I need some fresh air. I'm spent." Navi flew out of the room through the door's keyhole. "Sounds like a good idea." Zelda faced Link. "Hey Hero, could you go fetch me some water? I'm thirsty." "Anything for you, Zelda." Link stood up and stretched. "And while I'm at it, I'm going to pay a visit to the little boy's room. I'll be right back..if I can find it." He exited the room and gently shut the door. The princess began to throw the bed-sheets together when a knock on the door interrupted her. She quickly answered it, figuring it was her hero. "Oh Link, that was quick-" She was shocked to see a Zora guard standing there. "Sorry to disturb you, your Highness." He bowed his head. "There has been a horrible occurrence in Zora's Domain." "Oh no! What happened?" "You better read this." He handed her a small scroll, then gravely looked at her. "You're welcome to attend the funeral. Tell your boyfriend too." "Funeral?" she questioned, opening up the scroll. "I'll leave you to read the tragic news on your own." the Zora guard waddled away. Zelda closed the door and took a seat on the bed. She began to read the scroll out loud. "'Zoras, there has been a terrible happening in our humble Domain. Princess Ruto, 20, was found dead this morning. Her head was rammed into the toilet bowl hole. She died of asphyxiation, holding her breath as she flushed the toilet repeatedly. The motive behind her death was suicide. At least she had the decency not to blow her brains out or impale herself with a sharp object, as blood is rather difficult to remove from carpets. She left behind a cryptic note, which contained only these words: I ended it all because I got served. I could not handle such humiliation at the hands of another woman. From the toilet I did come, from the toilet I will return. Love you all. Hugs and kisses, Ruto. A funeral mass will be held today in the chapel at 12:00 p.m., followed by a party at Jack's Bar & Grille. Sincerely, King Zora.'" Zelda's jaw dropped. She panicked. "Oh my God, it's true! I did kick her ass! I can't let Link find out about her death, because he'll take all the blame like the martyr that he is! We better get out of here, and fast!" She rolled the scroll back up, but before she could hide it, Link returned with her water. "Hey Princess, what's that?" "...Nothing!" She hid it behind her back, but he playfully tried to grab it away from her. "Come on, Zelda. Tell me!" he laughed, cornering her. "Well...it's a letter from Daddy." "From your father?" Link asked. "But how does he know we're here?" "Umm...he's the king of Hyrule, remember? He knows everything! Maybe word spread back to Hyrule Castle that we were here. You know how quickly news spreads through the waterways." "Yeah, true. Well, what does he want?" "He wants us to hurry back very soon! He misses us dearly!" Zelda was just as good of a liar as Link. "When does he want us back?" "Very soon! So we should leave now!" "Now?!" "NOW!" She pushed him towards the door. "Shouldn't we thank the Zora king?" Link turned his head, puzzled. "I already did while you were taking a leak." "But on my behalf-" "I did that too! Now let's leave!" "Zelda, why are you in such a hurry?" Link barked, turning around to face her. Quickly she did what she did best. Seducing him, she smiled sweetly and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Link, we can't disobey my daddy. He expects us back very soon. Now, you don't want to upset the king of Hyrule, do you?" Link was lost in her beautiful blue eyes. She could have told him to jump off Ganon's Tower and he would have done so. "N-No, of course not." he stammered. All he heard were birds singing and wedding bells ringing. "Well then, let's go!" Zelda pushed him again. So they hurriedly left Zora's Domain. Link wondered why they didn't see any Zoras on their way out. "Hey, where is everyone?" Link asked Zelda as he mounted Epona. "Oh, they're just floating around--literally. Now let's leave!" She practically pushed Link off the horse because she got on so fast. "I'll just have to write King Zora a nice thank-you note." Link smiled. "Yes, you go do that." She then smacked poor Epona's behind. "Ye-haw, horsey! Move!!" "Zora's such a nice guy, isn't he? I mean, he let us stay-" "Link move your ass and let's get the hell out of here!!" Zelda screeched, pounding her fists on his back. Link was surprised by her command. He turned to look at her. "Oh, why so much hostility, Zelda? Anxious to get home?" "Yes!" "Well okay, but you have to promise that as soon as we get home, you'll give me a nice, sloppy kiss on the lips! With tongue this time!" ...Yeah yeah, goddamit, Link! I'll get on my knees right now and blow you if that's what it's gonna take for you to move this damn horse!... She angrily thought. "Yeah sure," she answered. "You mean it, Zelda? And it's got to be on the lips! No 'kissing me on the forehead' bullshit like last time." "Yeah on the lips. Now GO!" "Alright!" he cried as he kicked Epona, signaling her to start galloping. Link began to start talking about how he wanted the kiss while they rode across the pretty countryside. "Okay Zelda, listen up. It's gotta be nice and slow. Lots of slurping and tongue! Lots of that! I want slobber all over my face! ...Zelda, are you listening?" "Yes I am, you dork." "Good! Then maybe if I'm lucky, you'll let me touch you while I do it. Y'know what I mean? I see couples do it all the time. The guy lets his hand wander. That's what I want!" "Link, there's a huge difference between what you want and what you'll get!" "Shit Zelda, you tellin' me." he muttered under his breath. Smirking, he picked up his head and gazed over at the mountains. Awaiting on top of one was Ganon. That fat bastard was probably sitting on his Lazy Boy recliner, watching old reruns of The Golden Girls on the Lifetime network. ...Heh, I'm gonna take his official Bea Arthur fan club poster and burn it! I'll make him watch as I do it! That's what he's gonna get for messing with me for the umpteenth time. All I want is my kiss...Ganon, you best be watchin' out for the Hero of Time, because he's gonna kick your ass! Am I not merciful, bitch?!!.... |
Ya liked that, didn't ya bitch? Here's Chapter Eight! |
My eyes are bleeding. Bring me back to the Legend of Zelda Index Page! |
