Did you enjoy that? Move onto Chapter Seven for more sickness, bitch! |
Chapter Six: Ganon Saves the Day & Another Flashback After the unfortunate incident with the rabid bunny rabbits, Zelda had taken a seat in front of a random tree and began to count the stars as they gradually appeared in the twilight sky. "One....two....three, four, five...sex--err, six...Freudian slip...seven, eight...nine...oh, forget it. I think I've lost track already." She didn't notice Link limp his way over to where she was sitting. Every time he took a step closer, he winced. The pain emanating from his numerous bunny bites and scratches was enough to make him weep like a wussy girl. He slowly took a seat next to her and leaned his back against the tree trunk. "How are you feeling?" Zelda asked, trying to wipe the grin off her face. "Could be better...could be worse...but could be better." "If I would've known what was going to happen, I would have never killed that rabbit." "I'm sure you wouldn't have, Zelda." "But I had no idea how dangerous those little bastards could be! I mean, one clearly ripped your face right off!" "...Thanks for the gruesome flashback." Link muttered. The cuts on his face were still stinging like a mother fucker. He needed some Neosporin and band-aids...or a bottle of rum. Yo ho ho! "Are your wounds still bothering you?" "Yes. I'm in utter agony, if you haven't noticed." "I haven't." "Ah...well, I am." "I remember when you used to be able to take pain as if it was nothing when you were a kid." Zelda began. "There were times you'd come back to the castle all scraped up and covered in black-and-blues, but not say a word. Now, you're whining worse than a girl." "Well excuse me, Princess!" Link snapped, turning to face Zelda. "It's not every day that I get attacked by rabbits! It's fucking bizarre if you think about it. What am I going to tell everyone back home? That I got jumped by some thugged out, vengeful rodents? They're all going to laugh at me!!" "Aw, come on, Link. Be a man!" the princess joked. "Now you can't make fun of me anymore when I get injured-" "Oh, you mean like when you break a nail?" he smirked, trying his best to grin at her while ignoring the pain coming from the scratches on his cheeks. ...Ouch, it really hurts to smile. I am in so much pain. My face feels like it's on fire...must...smile and tease Zelda...ouch!!!... "No, not that!" she giggled while playfully pushing at Link's arm. She quickly stopped when she saw the miserable expression on his face. "Oh my God, I'm sorry! Did the rabbits bite you there too?" "It's more like where didn't they bite me!" He then paused for a moment, lost in thought. ....At least they didn't bite me down there. Heh, the little sons of bitches would've broken their teeth on that... "At least you survived the grizzly attack, Link." Zelda said, her voice expressing a sardonic tone. "You've been through much worse on your legendary journeys." "Yeah, I guess. Hey, Zelda?" "What?" "Remember the time I first realized I was gonna be a hero?" "Oh jeez, how could I forget?" ****Guess what! It's another FLASHBACK! TEN YEARS AGO**** It was mid-summer, two months after Link had begun living at Hyrule Castle. Over this span of time, Link and Zelda's friendship blossomed into something beautiful. They had become best friends almost immediately, and as best friends, they did everything together. They enjoyed long hours of booger-flicking, tripping the elderly, hiding Impa's hearing aid, and setting fire to haystacks. The King of Hyrule took an interest in his daughter's budding relationship with the newly cleaned up boy, and would often accompany them when they wandered around Hyrule Castle Town. So on one hot July day, the kids were hunting around the outer perimeters of the town, searching for small animals to torture. The King also was with them, but he stayed a good distance away, not wanting the children to feel like they were being watched...which they were. His Majesty didn't trust the little punks either. He always knew his daughter was a strange one. Anyway, Link had caught sight of a tiny creature scurrying away from him down the road. "Hey Zelda! Look!" he called to the princess as he pointed at the small lizard, who was now hiding behind a bush. "We can use him in our experiment!" "Catch it, Link!" the princess happily cried. "We can hang it upside-down by its tail!" The future hero quietly snuck up behind the creature, trying not to scare it away. Zelda and her father stayed a few feet behind the boy and eagerly watched. "I've got you!" Link yelped, making a dive to grab the lizard, but alas, the little dude outsmarted our hero and jumped out of harm's way. Link landed flat on his stomach. "Link! Are you okay?" questioned Zelda as she knelt down next to him. "Yeah," the boy groaned, sitting up. "I've been outwitted by a lizard." "Oh, Link!" the princess cried out, covering her gaping mouth with her dainty hands. "You skinned your knees!" Link looked and saw blood trickling down both his legs. Back then, he didn't bother wearing tights with his tunic, because it wasn't a hip fashion custom for children at the time. He preferred to let it all hang out and be free. It was his God-given right as a man. "Ah, I'm fine. I've gotten hurt worse than this before. Now, where's that lizard?" The boy stood up as if nothing had happened, and quickly brushed the dried blood and soil off his knees. "Over there." Zelda nodded in the direction where she saw the creature last. The lizard was far away and had leisurely began to walk down an isolated dirt path. In the distance, Link could make out a huge tower-like building. He had never noticed it before, even after having had lived there for over two months. Then again, he had the attention span of a two year old and enjoyed flicking boogers around. He wasn't the keenest of children. "Hey, Zelda?" he asked his friend. "Yeah?" "What's that?" "What's what?" "That." He pointed down the road. "That building over there. What the hell is it? It looks freaky." The princess' eyes widened at his words, and she nervously began to fidget around with her dress' apron. "Oh...that." "Yeah. Can you please tell me what it is?" "Umm...I can't tell you." Zelda kept her gaze planted downwards. "Why not?" Link barked. "I thought we were best friends, and as best friends, we share everything. Don't lie to me, Princess!" "I can't tell you until we get older." "But I can't wait 'till then! No fair!" She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and frowned. "I'm sorry, Link. My daddy says that I can't tell you yet." "Well in that case, I'll have to force it out of you!" he grinned as he moved closer to her. Zelda backed away a few steps, but started to laugh anyway. "Uh-oh...Link, don't you dare!" "Too late!" He hurled himself into the air, only to land on her. They both crashed to the ground with a thud. Link took this golden opportunity to not only get a cheap feel, but to also use his favorite method of torture--tickling the poo out of her. "Link! You know--tee-hee!-- when you do this--tee-hee!--it makes me wanna--tee-hee-- fart!" she shrieked between laughs. It was a tried and true method Link had used for over ten years, but once he started enforcing it long ago, it was something both he and Zelda had grown to enjoy. Meow, that's kinky. "Nope! Not until you tell me what that strange building is!" "Link! Tee-hee!! I'm gonna fart! Tee-hee!" "Tell me, Princess!" "What in Din's name is going on here?!" the King's voice suddenly boomed. He had lumbered his way over to the kids and was shocked and appalled at the site that greeted him. Seeing his daughter fondled by a dirty forest kid was sickening enough. The only thing that scared him even more than that was the fact that the princess seemed to be enjoying it. He made a mental note to get the girl a chastity belt once she became of age. "H-Hi daddy!" Zelda loudly yelped, bending her head back to stare up at him. Link promptly removed himself from off the princess and got to his feet. The King helped his daughter up. "My dear, what happened to your dress?" he inquired. "Oh," She looked down and noticed the bloodstains from Link's scrapes decorating the bottom half of her apron. "Me and Link were fooling around. No big deal. Impa can use some Clorox on them and-" "Fooling around?" the King sternly asked, folding his arms. Yes, she was going to get locked in her tower for the remainder of the day. She was being too saucy with him. Link on the other hand...would need a spanking. "Yes your Highness," the future hero interjected. "I was tickling her." "Yeah! And he almost made me fart!" At his daughter's words, the King's facial expression erupted into a look of pure horror. Link and Zelda stopped laughing when they saw a vein bulging from the old man's forehead and got serious. "Daddy, I might as well show Link the Temple of Time." Link's eyes grew large, and he looked at Zelda. "Temple of Time? What's that? A theme restaurant or something?" "Well Zelda, you are the Princess of Destiny. You yourself know if the time is right or not, but if this is what you desire, than I cannot object." The King nodded his head in approval. It was a good way to change the subject from farting to anything but that. "Yes Link, follow me now." She had started walking down the path when she turned around and smiled at her friend. "I'll race ya!" "You're on!" The two darted off and made their way over to the huge temple at the end of the road. The King followed behind them, but kept up at a snail's pace. Before the kids reached the front steps, Link had already looked up in awe at the massive structure. It looked like something out of a horror movie...or a church. Either one was scary enough. "Woah, kick ass!" he cried when the two stopped in front of the building's entrance. "Wait until you see inside, Link." Zelda said as she took his hand and began to drag him inside. "Come on!" Without protest, the couple scooted up the stairs and entered the grandiose temple. Link had never seen anything like it in his entire life. It had a huge cathedral-like ceiling, stained glass windows, an altar, and a creepy unseen choir chanting a rather dismal melody. The boy had walked ahead of Zelda and approached the door located behind the altar. Already standing there were a few villagers talking amongst themselves. The temple was open to the public just like a tourist trap, and there was even a gift shop on the second floor. Goddam capitalism! "Hello, young man." one villager greeted. "Hi." "Young man, do you know the story of the creation of Hyrule?" "You mean how it came out of the cabbage patch?" "Err...not exactly." the man chuckled. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or scowl at the kid's comment. Either he wasn't from around the area or just really stupid. Zelda and the King had joined Link and the villagers. "Link, this is the Temple of Time." Zelda explained. "In it rests the Master Sword, which only the legendary Hero of Time can use." She pointed to the center of the dimly lit room. There in all its glory was the sword of evil's bane, stuck in a pedestal, complete with a beam of sunlight shining down upon it. It looked very theatrical. The goddam freaky choir music only made it worse. "Okay..." Link slowly said. "And what do I have to do with all this?" "Link, according to my prophecy, you are the Hero of Time!" "ME?!" "Yes you, silly!" "Why me?! I can't even catch a stupid lizard!" The man who was talking to Link earlier couldn't help not to butt into their conversation. "Wait wait, Princess. You mean to tell me that this little prepubescent boy is going to save our kingdom from the ultimate evil?!" "Yeah, prepubescent my ass!" Link snapped. Nothing hurt more than a blow to his masculinity. Actually, a blow to his nuts might've overruled that. "Well, not at such a young age. Give him a few years." The King responded. "Hell Princess, I won't let you down!" Link beamed as he smiled at Zelda. "I'm sure you won't, Link!" "Well Princess, if you think Rambo over here is going to save the universe, why not give him the ultimate test?" the villager added in a rather snotty tone. "Test??" the boy nervously questioned. He didn't like tests. Not one stinkin' bit. They sucked monkey balls. "Yes, what do you mean?" the King joined in. He was ready to go all Kung-fu style on these villagers if they were aiming to harm Link. Although the boy did frighten him at times, he hated to admit that he was growing on him. Just like a rash. "If you're so positive that he's our hero, make him pull the Master Sword from its pedestal." the man continued. Link glanced in Zelda's direction, not sure of what to say or do. "Yes, but now is not the time." the princess stated. "But if he is the true hero, it'll only come out for him, right?" Zelda was getting annoyed at the man's taunting. She wanted to open a can of whoop-ass on him, but knew she wasn't the one to do it. "Fine! We accept your challenge! Come on, Link!" she boasted, grabbing his arm. "Z-Zelda, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm not the Hero of Time." Link stammered as she pulled him through the doorway. "Shut up, yes you are." "And what if you're wrong?" "Then...then...you can kiss me on the lips!" "Eww! You better be right!" Oh, how Link would come to eat those words. She led him up the stairs to reach the large pedestal in the middle of the room. The sight was intimidating, causing Link to gulp. The sword was huge! How the hell was he even supposed to pull it out, never mind wield it? "Woah...that thing is really, really, really heavy looking." he muttered to her. "I can't possibly-" "Shut up! Yes you can!" A crowd had gathered into the room to watch the scene. They were in for a treat! "That little chickenshit's gonna attempt to pull out the sword?" a villager shouted from the assembly. "Blow me, punk!" Link hissed back. Goddammit, no one was going to talk to him that way! He was the Hero of Time and was going to prove all these lameasses wrong! ...Now, if only I could actually believe that... "Now before we begin, we'll have a few villagers attempt to pull out the sword first." Zelda announced. "Anyone want to volunteer?" "Let me do it!" some random person cried out. A big fat guy stepped forth and ascended the steps. "Just call me the Hero of Time!" Alas, when he tried to remove the sword from the stone with all of his might, nothing happened. He shrugged his shoulders and gave up. "Next!" Zelda called. And so, many others attempted to move the weapon. Link nervously watched as villager after villager failed to do the duty which supposedly only he could do. If he failed, he'd be one depressed elf. "Aw, screw it!" the last contestant yelled, stepping down. Zelda turned towards Link and smiled. "It's your turn now." "Uh-oh. Well, here goes nothing." He took a deep breath and hesitantly climbed up the stairs leading to the sword's resting spot. Silence filled the hall. Both Zelda and the King looked on anxiously, awaiting to see if the princess' prophecy really was true. If so, she'd be getting her own psychic hotline in the future. Link felt his palms grow sweaty as he stood face-to-err, sword with the weapon. He turned to look at Zelda, who responded with a smile and a "thumbs up." Saying a prayer to himself, he placed his hands tightly around the handle. "Here we go...just pretend you're doing something naughty." With all the might in his ten year old body, he pulled that mother fucker as hard as he could. Too bad he didn't know all of his strength wasn't needed though, as the sword slid out of its pedestal as easily as butter. "Holy shit..." he muttered in amazement. The crowd gasped when they saw the sight. The Master Sword was fully released from the stone. This kid was the Hero of Time. God save us. The weapon was too heavy for Link to hold up, so he just held on to it with both hands while it rested on the floor. "Link, I knew it!!" Zelda exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "You are the Hero of Time!" Link turned around to face the crowd, then smiled, "Ha! Turns out that I am the Hero of Time! Did you all hear that, all you bastards who underestimated me? Soon, you'll be bowing down before me! That's right! I'm the man!" Then, for added affect, he grabbed his crotch. "All you jerks--except the King and Princess--can suck my heroic-" Suddenly a loud guffaw overshadowed Link's gloating. "HA HA HA! THIS LITTLE PREPUBESCENT BRAT IS SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT I?!" Everyone looked up and saw the Evil Incarnation of Darkness floating upside-down above Link. "Who's the cross dressing Miss Piggy?" the newly anointed hero nonchalantly questioned. "And does he always scream like that?" "YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" "Oh, please. I'm not impressed." "YOU LITTLE WHIMP!" the visitor shouted, perturbed. "SHUT UP!" "Shut up? And I'm supposed to listen to you, you overgrown barnyard animal?" Link was feeling pretty boastful at the moment. Finding out you're destined to be the greatest hero in the universe will do that to you. "Why don't you go and assram a goat or something?" "Grr...I must admit, for a pipsqueak you do have a smart mouth!" "Damn straight!" "My name's Ganon, a.k.a. your ETERNAL ENEMY!" "And I'm Link! Remember it, 'cuz you'll be screaming it later!" Ganon made a face when he heard that. So did everyone else in the temple. Link realized what he said and hastily corrected himself. "Okay, you won't be screaming it in that way! You'll be screaming it when I make bacon out of your ass, bitch!" "CURSES! WAIT UNTIL YOU'VE AT LEAST HIT PUBERTY TO TALK LIKE THAT TO ME! YOU CAN'T EVEN LIFT YOUR SWORD, YOU MUNCHKIN KING, YOU!" "I don't have to lift this thing to use it!" With a powerful throw, Link chucked the sword at Ganon. It made contact with his piggish cranium, then crashed to the ground. "OUCH!" the King of Evil shouted, rubbing the bump now developing on his head. "THAT HIT MY HEAD! THAT REALLY HURT!" "Link, be careful with that thing!" Princess Zelda yelled at the hero. "Everything's all fun and games until you poke someone's eye out!" Link seemed to ignore Zelda's comment and continued his arrogant display of bravado. "There's more where that came from, asshole!" he shouted at Ganon. "Wait until I can actually use this thing!" "BAH! I MUST GO. THE GOLDEN GIRLS IS ON. NICE TO MEET YOU LINK, MY SWORN ENEMY! WE WILL MEET AGAIN!" And of course, they did meet again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and :::yawn::: again...and again...and yet again...and you get the picture. ****PRESENT DAY, BITCH!!!**** Link and Zelda were sitting under the same tree, once again trying to count the stars in the sky. Even though they weren't officially a couple, they managed to sure act like one. The princess was in Link's sore arms, and he had his back still resting against the tree trunk. "Did you see that, Zelda?" "What?" "A shooting star." "Aw, no I missed it." "I made a wish..." "How's your rabbit bite doing now?" "Bites, Zelda. There isn't just one." "Sorry, Mr. Hero." "They're doing better. Still stings though." "Aww, poor Link." "I'm a big boy, I'll manage." "Okay, you do just that." the princess sighed, turning to rest her head on his chest. ...Goddamit, she wants to fall asleep on me, but won't let me kiss her? What's up with that?... Link pondered to himself. ...Tee-hee...'hard-to-get' is a fun game to play with a moron!... Zelda thought with a smile. "Good night, Link." she said, closing her eyes. "'Night, Zelda." He rested his head against the tree trunk and also closed his eyes. Navi had been watching from a distance perched upon Epona's head and couldn't stand the sickingly sweet scene. "Before they were fighting, and now this? Look at it, Epona! Zelda's asleep between his legs, and she has her head on his chest! That whore! If I was big enough, I'd chop off her ugly head and Fed-Ex it to Ganon myself!" Epona neighed at the faerie's comments. Navi raised an eyebrow. "...What do you mean 'jealous', Epona? Me? Jealous?" The horse neighed again. "I am not jealous! Hmph!" Navi angrily flew away. Link and Zelda had managed to fall asleep amongst the animal noises and high pitched screaming. Let me tell you, the vision of them two in that position would've made one hell of a Kodak moment...or a prime opportunity for blackmail. All was peaceful on the riverbank that night. The next morning was a hell of a lot different. Link was awakened by soft raindrops falling onto his face. "Aw, man..." he muttered, opening up his eyes. Zelda was still fast asleep on him. He had to wake her up before it started to pour. They had to find shelter, and fast! Before Link could do anything, a loud clap of thunder woke the princess up. "Oh my God! Link! It's raining!" she yelped, sitting up. "...Yes, Zelda. I've already made that observation." "What are we going to do?" "Find somewhere to stay, and quickly." She frantically looked around and spotted a cave opening not too far away. "There, a cave! Let's go!" Without waiting for Link's response, she shot to her feet and made a mad dash towards the opening. "Wait, Zelda! Oh, never mind." He stood up and whistled for Epona to come. "Hey there, girl. Like the rain? Raindrops keep fallin' on my head..." he started to sing while petting the horse on the nose. "Hurry up, dumbass!" Zelda screamed, already standing in the cave's entrance. "Ah, my lady awaits! Come on, Epona!" The boy and his steed made it over to Zelda just before the heaven's opened up. Boy, did it rain something horrible that morning! The only thing missing was Noah and his Ark. Inside the temporary shelter, the princess was leaning against the hard cave wall, looking out at the storm. Link was on the opposite side, petting Epona. Navi flew out of a bag from the horse's saddle and instantly began ranting and raving. "Yuck! Epona stinks when she's wet!" the faerie screeched. She was like a miniature banshee. "You stink no matter what." Zelda dryly said, still staring outside. Link bursted out laughing, and Epona whinnied. "That's not funny, Link!" Navi yelled. Zelda had just embarrassed her, which made the faerie extremely pissed off. It was even worse that she did it in front of Link. Dammit, Zelda was the dimwit! Navi glared at the Hylian woman. "What's the matter, Navi?" Link grinned, folding his arms. "Zelda made a big blow to that pint-sized ego of yours?" "Screw you! If I was big enough Link, I'd kick you squarely in the balls right now!" "Well now, that's kind of hard, isn't it? I mean, they're much bigger than you'll ever be." Zelda raised her eyebrows as she heard him say this, then turned to stare at him. She wanted to make some sick comment, like "Oh really? Can you show them to me?", but stopped herself. Link noticed how she was scrutinizing him up and down, and stared right back at her, a hungry look in his blue eyes. Whole lotta sexual tension now... Navi growled and began to scream. "Oh! You guys make me sick! Go get a room, jackasses!" She flew back into the bag on Epona's saddle. Zelda was just about to walk over to Link, grab that husky hunk, and make a true man out of him when she felt something rubbing against her legs. "What the-??" she asked, looking down. "Zelda, don't move..." Link cautiously warned as he slowly began to walk over to her. "Link, what's wrong?" She became extremely nervous. ...Oh no, is that a skunk taking a dump on my new shoes? I'll rip his little tail off and shove it down his throat! I paid a pretty penny for these Gucci boots!... "There's a bear cub rubbing up against your feet." "A bear cub? How cute!" the princess exclaimed. "No, Zelda! Don't-" Too late. She had already picked up the fuzzy creature and held it close. "Hello, little teddy bear! How are you today?" she asked in a childish voice, nuzzling noses with the wild animal. "Zelda, put the cub down." Link sternly commanded. "No! It probably lost its mommy." "No, it's mommy is probably very close by and upset that a stranger's holding her cub!" "Oh Link, shut up. You go somewhere else if you're afraid, Mr. Big Bad Hero." Zelda snapped, cradling the bear like a baby. "Fine, why do I even try?" Link grumbled, turning away. ...If she wants to get her face mauled off by an angry grizzly bear, that's her decision. Fuck her...Actually, I want to fuck her...That was crude. Yes, yes I know... "You're so adorable!" Zelda chirped. "I'll be your mommy from now on! Want to meet Uncle Link? ...Link?" No answer. "Where is that asshole?" Meanwhile, Link had wandered deeper into the cave. He had to get away from his smelly horse and braindead love interest. "Stupid bear cub...that would've been me..." He turned around and saw Zelda playing with her new friend. "Damn Link, why do you have to be such a loser? You're jealous over a bear cub! ...But Zelda's pressing it so close to her chest... Oh well, someday Link, someday... Yeah, like in a wet dream." The hero had turned around to continue walking when he slammed into something. He slowly looked up and stood face-to-face (well sorta) with a six foot grizzly bear. He hyperventilated, pissed his tights, and turned around. He had to do what any other hero would have done in the same situation--scream like a sissy girl and run for dear life. "Holy crapoli!!" Link shrieked, running towards Zelda. "Princess, put down the cub and RUN!" "Huh?" Before they could react, the bear grabbed Link and lifted him up. "AAAGGHH!! Oh dear God, help me!" "Oh Link, you can handle it. You've faced Ganon, so a little bear shouldn't be a challenge." Zelda simply said, not turning her attention away from the cub for a second. "Zelda! Help me!" Link cried as the bear swung him around like a ragdoll. "I feel like throwing up!" "Be a man, Link!" "I'm gonna DIE!!! Help me! It's gonna bite my head off!" Zelda just ignored him this time. He was defenseless. His sword and shield had fallen to the cave's floor, and Epona and Navi had hightailed it out of there. "Goddamit, Princess! HELP ME!" The hero was beginning to black out. "Hush Link, my cub's going to sleep now!" Zelda yelled, rocking the animal back and forth in her arms. "Someone! Anyone! HELP ME!" "DID YOU SAY...ANYONE?" an unexpected, yet welcome, voice thundered. Link and Zelda looked up (well, Link did his best to) and saw Ganon floating diagonally next to the bear. "Anyone but you!" the Hero of Time cried. "WELL FINE THEN, MR. MASTURBATOR! BECOME YOGI BEAR'S LUNCH!" "Wait! Why do you want to help him anyway?" Zelda asked, not sure whether to trust her arch-nemesis or not. "Because...I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO END HIS USELESS, PATHETIC EXISTENCE, AND NOT MY FRIEND FOZZY THE BEAR HERE!! PLUS...I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO!" "I don't know if I should trust hi--AAGGHH!" Link screamed, being swung around for the zillionth time. "I'm going to throw up everything I've ever eaten!!" Ganon, with lightning fast speed, grabbed the bear's arm which was holding Link and pulled the hero close. "...Do you want to die a twenty year old virgin, boy?" Link made a face. "Okay, save me please." he timidly answered. "That's what I thought..." Ganon then began to chant some gobbledygook which made absolutely no sense. "KUMBAYA! KUMBAYA! HALLELUJAH! LOTS OF BACON! OINK! OINK! OINK!" ...What in God's name is he doing?... Link and Zelda simultaneously thought. "OINK!" Ganon chanted for the final time. Suddenly, the bear turned into a pig and Link came crashing down onto the cave floor. "Ow, my ass!" he yelped. "THERE! I MUST GO. MR. LEFTY...THE BLONDE WONDER...I'LL SEE YOU LATER!" His Evilness was just about to exit the scene when he stopped and grinned at the Hero of Time. "OH, AND LINK...I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT WHEN I FINALLY KICK YOUR SCRAWNY ASS! I'M GONNA REALLY ENJOY IT! I'M OFF!" The Prince of Darkness vanished in a poof of thick neon orange smoke. Link stood up and rubbed his cute tush. "You okay?" Zelda questioned. He glared at her. "Thanks for the help!" "Oh, I'm sorry. It was just that my little cub was falling asleep and-" "Your cub's mother almost cost me my pathetic life!" "Well the cub's more important than that anyway!" Zelda snapped. She honestly didn't mean those words, but Link had really ticked her off and deserved a good kick in the old nutsack. Her words could be more deadly than any physical threat though. When Link heard her say that, he snatched the cub from Zelda's arms and pulled away. "Hey! Don't hurt it!" Without a word, Link walked up to the mouth of the cave and held the bear up. "Hello, little friend. Good-bye, little friend." And with that, he drop-kicked the cub practically across Hyrule Field. "LINK!" Zelda screeched. "That was my pet!" "Little furball deserved it. I mean, it took your attention away from me..." He sweetly frowned. Immediately Zelda's mood changed from angry to flirtatious. She had severe mood swings, and PMS wasn't even to blame this time. "Aw, Link..." she smiled, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Hey, Zelda?" "Yes?" "Kiss me!" "Don't push your luck, Hero! First of all, you murdered my new pet. Secondly, your arch- nemesis saved your life." "Yeah, well shit happens." He moved in to kiss her when Zelda noticed that it had stopped raining. "Look! The clouds are dispersing!" She pushed Link away and happily went outside, leaving Link once again in the cold. He shook his head, then joined her. "Yes, it's nice out now." he said, looking around. The air had a cool, pure oxygen smell in it that usually happened after it rained. That smell rocks. "Link, how much further until we get to Death Mountain?" "We should reach it by tomorrow night." "So soon?" she muttered, partially to herself. Once again, they gathered their things and set off towards oblivion. The pair was seated on Epona as they trotted off into some unknown direction. Zelda was thinking once again (a rare occurrence for her) as she rested her head on Link's back. ...Only one more day alone with him? Oh no! I wish it were two more years! How I want to cuddle him like that cub! How I want to take him in my arms and...and...fondle him..and...ohh...pleasure him, and do naughty, inexplicable things to him...to...to...ouch! I gotta stop pondering so much! I'm killing brain cells this way!... The Hero of Time was also lost in thought as he stared into the wilderness. ...Only one more day left with her? Only one more time she'll rest her precious head on my back? Only one more day she'll fall asleep on me? Only one more day she'll flirt with me and tell me that she likes my hat? I can't go on! I need her more than I need oxygen! I need her more than I need a pulse! I need her more than I need a life! Holy shit! I'm the most pathetic son of a bitch on the face of the planet! A loser hopelessly in love...but it's a love that isn't returned. Dammit, I'm the Hero of Time...yet that doesn't prevent me from being such a dork! I'm feeling really depressed... I know what I'll do! We're gonna take a pit stop at Zora's Domain! Those crazy Zoras always get my spirits up!... "Hey, Zelda?" "Yes?" "Mind if we make a pit stop?" "Another one? Where this time?" "You'll see." "We're not going to another sleazy bar where you can drown your sorrows in cheap beer and chat with your loser friends, are we?" "Err...no." "Good. I don't know why you hang out with such drunkards, Link." "They're nice company." "You should be hanging out with refined men, such as yourself. I don't like seeing you hung over first thing in the morning. Honestly Link, you look like shit when you do that." Link wasn't paying any attention to Zelda's rambling. He was lost in his own delusional thoughts, where he was safe from all harm. ...Yeah...nice company. Zelda, you're lucky I'm only hanging out with drunk sailors and not with cheap hookers or those chicks who want me to impregnate them... The only one I want to be sticking it into is you... Link had already began to feel better. With the events of the morning already a distant memory, all he could focus on was getting a few more cheap feels out of Zelda before the adventure was over, and chillin' with the Zoras. And he knew he'd get his kiss sooner or later. Damn straight. |
Did you enjoy that? Move onto Chapter Seven for more sickness, bitch! |
