Return to the Legend of Zelda Into page, yippy skippy! |
*Parts of the original middle and end of this chapter were written by one of my best friends, Rinoafreak. I just did some editing, but left her masterwork intact. Chapter Two: Mr. Lefty and the Blonde Bimbo Disembark The next morning, Princess Zelda awoke bright and early. She bathed and dressed, then decided to wait for Link. She waited....and waited....and waited. "Where the hell is he?" she thought, perturbed. One of the things she hated the most was tardiness, and Link's lateness was tying her panties all up in a knot. Impatient, she went to his room and knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again and called out, "Link?" Still no answer. "Goddamit," she growled, opening the bedroom door without even waiting for his reply. The sight she saw was quite funny. Link was asleep on his back, his hair was all messed up, and his pants were undone, but his tunic covered any hint of naughtiness. "Link?" she beckoned again. "Come on, wake the hell up..." At her words, he slowly opened up his eyes. "Oh, hello Zelda..." "What happened to you?" the Princess asked. His appearance certainly warranted any unusual behavior he had been engaging in the previous night. Tee-hee. "...Nothing." he simply stated, now resting on his side. "You look like you've been to hell and back." "Actually, I've been to heaven and back..." "Oh, okay well, I'll go outside and wait for you." "Sure," Zelda walked out and waited, once again, outside the castle. Navi entered the room and sat on Link's headboard. "So, how are you feeling now?" she grumbled. Her tiny legs swung back and forth as she kept her eyes on the Hero. ...Did he get hit by a truck or something? Goddam, he looks horrible!... "Wonderful...very, very wonderful." Link blissfully smiled like an idiot. "I hope you know that you gotta meet Zelda A.S.A.P.! Forgot about your journey?" "Oh, shit!" Link shot up and fixed his pants. "Can I come along?" asked Navi in a sickingly sweet tone of voice. "No! It gives me time alone with Zelda," Link scolded, grabbing the Master Sword and putting it into its holster thingie. "Why Link? You actually think you're gonna score?" Navi mockingly said, rolling her brown eyes. "...Maybe." "Link! What crack have you been snorting? She hasn't even kissed you yet!" the faerie laughed. "So? I know she wants me," Link boasted. "I can see it in those beautiful blue eyes of hers." He dreamily smiled, and grabbed a few apples from his fruitbowl on the table. "Heh, don't flatter yourself, Hero." Navi quipped. "Well Navi, I'm off! I'll see you soon, when I return with Miss Snuffles and Zelda as my girlfriend. You have my word on that!" With those famous last words, Link bolted out the door, down the stairs, and made his way outside to where Zelda was waiting with her father. What he didn't notice was Navi cleverly sneaking into his sword's holster as he ran down the staircase. "It's about time you showed up!" Zelda snapped, twirling a lock of her hair around her dainty index finger. "I'm sorry, Zelda. I had a long night." Link apologized. The Princess didn't catch the hint of wryness in his voice. Then again, she didn't catch much except for the common cold, and even that was a longshot. "Well, I'm glad to see you both off!" the King beamed, placing his hand on Link's shoulder. "Thanks, your Highness! Zelda and I are gonna have a great time," smiled Link as he put some supplies onto Epona's saddle. The horse whinnied. "Wait Link," Zelda questioned. "If you're riding Epona...who and I gonna ride?" She pointed to the horse. ....Heh-heh....you're gonna ride me, Zelda.... Link crudely thought. "Yes, Moonbeam's not around anymore." the King sighed. You see, Moonbeam was Zelda's white mare, until one day it went insane and rammed its head into a tree over and over until it beat itself into submission. Hell, if you lived in that castle with those morons you'd probably do the same. I know I would. Link shook his head, remembering the incident. "Sad..." he muttered. "My poor Moonbeam..." Zelda said under her breath. Link decided he had to break the dreary mood. "Well Zelda, you can ride on Epona with me until I can get you a new horse." "Yes, Zelda! That's a great idea!" the King exclaimed. "Well..." she thought. "It's either that or one of us walks--and it's not gonna be me! I'm pretty weak in the knees after last night!" Link scolded, mounting the horse. "Weak in the knees? From what?" the portly King asked, puzzled. He turned his head in the Hero's direction and raised an eyebrow. "Oh nothing--anyway, are you gonna get on or not?" Link questioned to Zelda. Generously he held out his hand so she could get on. "Fine!" she shouted, taking Link's hand. She mounted up behind him with a defeated look on her royal face. "Take care! Both of you!" the King warned. "We'll be fine!" smiled Link. "I want you both back safe and sound. If something happened to the both of you, then who'd rule my kingdom as King and Queen?" happily grinned the King. Zelda rolled her eyes. Link just got an ego rush. He knew the King wanted him to marry Zelda one day. ...Besides, I'd make one hell of a king... Link proudly thought. For someone who was pretty dim, he did a lot of thinking. "Now go before something bad happens to Miss Snuffles!" exclaimed the King, patting Epona. "Okay, we're off!" Link shouted. He then paused and turned his head to the side to address the Princess, "Zelda, you got to hold on to me tightly. If Epona rears up, you can go flying off." She sighed, and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Farewell!" the King called. "Laterz!" Link and Zelda cried as they galloped off. "Ow! Link, this saddle's hurting my royal behind!" Zelda yelled. "You just have to get used to it, that's all." "Oh." So they galloped for about ten minutes, then Link slowed Epona down to a walking pace. They were by Zora's River. The area was peaceful and very beautiful. Zelda started to yawn. "Link, I'm sleepy." "Me too." She observed Link's sword and shield strapped onto his back. "Link?" "Yes, Princess?" "Take off your armor." He found the request funny. "Umm...why?" "Because, just do it!" "Well okay, anything for you." He slid his weapons off and secured them safely to Epona's saddle. "Happy now, Princess?" All Zelda did was rest her head down on his back and close her eyes. Her grip around his waist got tighter. Link's mind began to race. ...Woah, this is very nice... he thought happily to himself. To return the gesture, he carefully placed his free hand on top of hers. ...Alright Hero, you've reached first base!... It was quite a romantic sight, actually. The hot mild morning sun glistened down into the river, making it shimmer. The babbling of the stream was lulling Zelda off to sleep. Two thoughts jumped back and forth in Link's brain, ...Yay! Yay! Yay!... and ...Shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat... The Princess' grip got tighter as she pressed her face harder onto his back. ...You're the man, Link!... he triumphantly beamed. So the morning went by pretty uneventfully. They wandered around a little. Link figured it would be a good idea to stop in a nearby town for the night. He was really tired...whacking off really tires you out--ANYWAY, Link was off in La La Land, thinking about a future for him and Zelda. He didn't even notice that his and Zelda's fingers were twined together. Suddenly, in her deep sleep, Zelda's free hand began to wander. First it went down his waist, then moved to his inner thigh...up his inner thigh...then rested squarely between his legs. This brought him back to reality. ...Oh my God, am I dreaming? This is too good to be true, but I can't do this to her... Gently, without waking her, he took her hand and placed it back onto his waist. But, only mere seconds later, it went back to his crotch. ...Oh jeez, why is she tempting me like this?... Again, he took her hand away. Just then, Epona stopped dead in her tracks and whinnied. It woke Zelda up. "What's the matter?" she groggily asked, slowly lifting her head up. "I dunno..." Link nervously answered, looking around the empty field. "Link, look!" cried Zelda, pointing to a rock sticking out of the water. On it, sat Miss Snuffles. The feline meowed with fright when she saw her mistress. "I have to get her!" she quickly got off Epona and began to run toward the cat. "Zelda, stop! It's probably a trap!" Link called out after her. "I don't care! It's my pretty kitty!" Just as Zelda was about to dive into the water, Ganon appeared, followed by a horde of pink piggies. The King of Evil floated horizontally above the cat. Link swore he heard a kazoo in the background as Ganon made his grand entrance. "WELL WELL WELL! LOOK WHO IT IS! IT'S THE KEEBLER ELVES!" mocked Ganon. "Hey, don't make fun of our ears, you...you...pig!" Zelda snapped. "OH, VERY ORIGINAL, YOU IDIOT!" "Don't you dare call her names!" Link interjected. He jumped off Epona, drew the Master Sword and readied his shield. "WELL LOOK, IF IT ISN'T MR. JACKMEOFF!" Link stopped dead in his tracks. Zelda turned and looked at him. "Hey...that was low, what I do in my spare time-" Link began, but the King of Evil promptly cut him off. "SHUT UP! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR PETTY EXCUSES! THE GOLDEN GIRLS IS ON IN FIVE MINUTES! I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU THAT...THAT...ERR..." "That what?" questioned Link as he walked over to the Princess. "THAT...I HAVE NO IDEA! ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO! ...OH! I MUST GO, I HAVE A CHOCOLATE CHIP FUDGE CAKE IN THE OVEN! I'LL SEE THE BLOND BIMBO AND MR. LEFTY AT MY CASTLE! COME, MISS SNUFFLES!" With that, Ganon, the piggies, and Miss Snuffles vanished in a cloud of neon blue smoke. "I'm gonna fry his bacon for calling me 'Mr. Lefty'!" Link growled, putting his sword in its holster. "Oh, Miss Snuffles! Link, come on! We gotta go save her!" Zelda grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to Epona. "Wait, Princess! Ganon's castle is far from here. It's not like we're gonna make it there in fifteen minutes on horseback!" "Well, we can't waste anymore time! ...Actually, I'm kinda hungry." "I brought apples if-" "I don't want apples, I want real food." "Would you like to stop at a town for the night, Zelda?" "Yes, I'd like that very much." "Ruto town isn't far from here." "Good, let's go!" So Link, being a sucker for love, obeyed her every whim. As he helped her mount Epona, he began to mumble under his breath. "Look who switched back into bitch mode." "What?!" yelled Zelda. "I said I think we're going down the wrong road." he lied, back in his full voice. "Oh, okay." Apparently Zelda needed a q-tip to clean out her ears, and maybe stab her brain. They trotted on. Zelda began thinking. ...I've been so nasty to Link lately, and he's always been so sweet...even though he is a moron. I want to tell him that--no, I can't tell him that now...ouch! I'm getting a headache. Blonds shouldn't think a lot... Once again she rested her head on his back and squeezed him tighter. "Link?" "Yeah?" "I'm sorry about my attitude before. I treated you like some stupid idiot." "It's okay," he muttered. Zelda felt horrible. He was obviously pissed at her. ...Crap, how can I make this up to him? I know!--OUCH! I gotta stop!... "Link?" "What?" "Would you like to do something special tonight?" "Like what?" "I dunno, you pick." "I don't care..." ...Goddamit! He's still pissed! What does he expect me to do? Get down on my knees and suck his--OUCH! I'm going to stop now... Now it's Link's turn to think. ...Why am I such a gullible dork? Why can't Zelda see my love for her? How damn obvious could I get without flat out saying it? Oh...she's squeezing me tighter now...I know that you want me, why can't you just admit to it? It would save us a whole lot of trouble...this game of hard-to-get used to turn me on, but now it turns me off. I'm sick of this shit. I want some of her-- and I want it now! I've waited long enough--ohh, tighter she holds me...OUCH! Damn blond hair... Soon they made it to Ruto town. It was mid-afternoon as they rode into the mini-city. Zelda picked her head up. "Where would you like to stay, Princess?" Link asked. "I don't mind," she nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. "You pick." "Sure, I stayed at the Blow My Shanks Inn last time. It's nice there." "Then let's go." "They've even got valet parking!" Link rode up to a young man standing in front of the inn. "Hello my good man. Please take Epona and put her into the stables with the other horses." He said in his "hero" voice. The guy gave him a weird look. "Who the hell do you think I am?" he retorted. "Aren't you the valet parking guy?" "No! I'm the milkman! The valet parking guy's over there." He pointed to an old blind man sitting on a milk crate begging for change. "Oh, well I'll just park Epona myself. You go inside, Princess. I'll meet you there." "I'm starved!" she exclaimed. The milkman gently took her hand and pressed his lips against it. "Your Highness..." he grinned. "Tee-hee, thank you. Can you get us something to eat?" "But of course." he helped her off the horse and they went inside. Link rolled his eyes and exhaled a sigh. He then trotted off towards the Inn's stables. Zelda walked into the "lobby", which was basically a tiny room with a guy smoking something at the front desk. The milkman smiled at her and winked. "What?" she asked. "I don't get it." Just then, Link walked in. "Sir," he said in his "hero" voice as he strode over to the man at the desk. "I'd like a room for the night." "Two rooms!" Zelda butted in. "Aw, don't be picky, Princess-" "Two!!" she yelled a second time. "Okay, two." The guy at the desk just gave him a funny look and two keys. As they walked to their rooms, Link began to babble. "See, Zelda? If you're tough with those guys, they don't give you any trouble." "Shut up, you dork!" she replied. She opened the door to her room and slammed it right in Link's face. "Excuse me, Princess," he mumbled to the door. He dragged himself a few feet down the hall and entered his own room. "My God! It's like a closet!" And it was, compared to his room in the castle. There was just a little cot and a snack table. He shrugged and plopped down on the bed. He layed on his back with his arms crossed, staring off into space, killing valuable brain cells in the process. Meanwhile, Zelda was looking for some water to wash her face and hands with in her equally tiny room. She looked under the table. No water bowl. "Shit! Don't they drink around here? Don't they wash?" She looked under the bed...and screamed. "AAHH!!" Staring right back at her was a big, black bug. She bolted out the door and ran to Link's room. Still screaming, she began banging on the thick oak door with both fists. "Link!!" "Oh Jesus Christ...what? Come in, the door's open." he replied. She ran in, leaving the door wide open. "Oh, Link! There's a big, fat, hairy, black bug in my room. Kill it!" "Zelda, I'm tired. Do it yourself." "No! I'm a princess. You do it, you're a guy! Killing icky insects is a guy thing!" "But I don't feel like moving!" he snapped. Zelda was startled. ...Oh my, he snapped at me. He's never done that before. Ouch! Dammit! Quit thinking so much!... "Okay fine then. I'm not going back in there. I'll just...stay here." Link raised his eyebrows as she sat on the snack table. "So I'll plant my bottom right--AAHH!!!" Zelda screamed as the table broke beneath her weight. Her backside slammed into the hard stone floor. Link bursted out laughing. "It's not funny!" He ignored her cry and continued laughing his arse off. "Help me up!!" She screeched. Finally he stood up over her. "Link, come on!" "Oh fine, here I'll help you." he mockingly said, holding out his hand. Zelda smirked, then grabbed his hand and pulled him down with all her might, causing him to land right on top of her. Neither of them seemed to mind. "Oh, so that's how you want to play!" Link exclaimed with a huge smile. She just grinned back at him with one of those seductive glances which causes a man's heart to go aflutter. He returned the gesture, and suddenly began to tickle her everywhere. "Well, if that's the way you want it," he giggled, tickling her sides. She squealed and laughed wildly, making a bad attempt at trying to push him off. The Hero of Time was definitely back in a good mood. "Link!" Zelda cried, taking him into her arms. She pulled his face down closer to hers. Link stopped poking and prodding her and stared deeply into her blue eyes. Zelda kept her gaze directly locked on his features while trying to catch her breath. Without thinking, Link moved his face closer to hers. She moved closer to his. Their faces got closer and closer, and so did their lips...closer and closer they got. Zelda didn't even notice that she had her legs wrapped around his waist. ...Nothing's going to screw this up!... Link thought. Eventually their lips got so close that they could just brush them against each other. "Hey!" a voice cried out of nowhere. "Save that for when the lights go out!" The couple's heads shot up instantly. Zelda felt her face turn red and was utterly embarrassed. Link was now extremely pissed off. "Err...this isn't what it looks like," the Princess stuttered, pushing Link away. He just put on an innocent face. "Yeah sure, all of Hyrule knows you're a hot item. The hero runs away with the princess. How disgustingly romantic. Well I came to inform you that dinner's ready." Link then recognized the intruder. It was the asshole milkman from before who had put moves on his woman! ...Goddam you, milkman, damn you straight to hell... Zelda quickly stood up. "I must get ready for dinner," she stammered, exiting the room. Link growled to himself, ...That milkman just made my Shit-List...I was so close... He stood up and brushed off his clothes. After getting ready (whatever the hell that required), both went to the dining hall. The place was very crowded, and smokey air and dim lighting loomed over the whole joint. "I don't like this place very much," Zelda said to Link. "What?" he shouted. "I can't hear you with all the noise!" "I said I don't like it here very much!" "Huh? You want to know if they serve brunch?" "No! I want to tell you that I don't-" "Link, long time no see!" a deep, loud voice called out among the chitter chatter of the room. A big, burley man interrupted the two as he walked over to them. "Hey Jacques! What have you been up to?" Link greeted as he shook the man's hand. "Nothing really. Just hanging out with some friends. Care to join us?" he asked, pointing over to a table of drunkards. "Well, I'd love to, but-" "Woah, Princess Zelda! I didn't see you there! Always hiding behind your man, huh?" Jacques grinned, eyeing the Princess up and down as if she was a piece of meat. Zelda made a face at the jerk's comment. Clearly, she was not to be ogled at by some intoxicated commoner! That was Link's job. The Hero turned around to face her. "Come on, Zelda. Let's go sit with them!" Link urged, taking her hand. "Well...alright." she muttered. She knew she had to make it up to him about before, so this was a good way to. ...Good, get Link nice and drunk so he'll lay comatose for the night and leave me alone. But I really don't want him to leave me alone. Ouch, my brain!... "Zelda! Quit daydreaming. Come on!" Link's voice broke her train of thought. "Oh, okay," she dreamily answered. So they went and sat with the drunkards at a table in the corner of the dining hall. Poor Zelda was the only female at the table and had absolutely nothing in common with the men. Link told battle stories while getting blitzed off cheap beer. The Princess was squished between Link and a fat smelly sailor named Skippy. Across from her sat Jacques, and his two associates Keenan and Kel. Jacques' breath stunk so bad that Zelda could smell it from across the table. And as for Skippy...let's just say that Skippy probably hadn't even touched water since God knew when. Link wasn't any better. Even though he didn't reek, he was being just as loud and arrogant as the rest. Jacques had the most horrible laugh too. It was loud, way too loud, like some insane dude guffawing at the local Forest Hills Sizzler (err...private joke) every time he'd say or hear something funny. He'd also accent his laugh by slamming his huge fists against the weak wooden table, causing the beer glasses and Zelda's Diet Coke bottle to rattle. Zelda pressed herself against Link, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. Jacques was telling a long story about some crap. She wasn't paying any attention, and was too busy staring at Link. He was laughing along to Jacques' story. The top of his shirt was undone and he had worked up a sweat. ...Ohh, he looks mighty fine... Zelda pondered. She began to argue with herself. ...He looks so hot, all drunk and sweaty. He's got such a nice smile--Zelda! What are you thinking? It's Link, the Dork of Time! Hello? Anyone home? But he looks so damn good! Are you crazy? No Zelda, don't think impure thoughts. ...Yes, impure thoughts about him--OWW! Silly blonde!... Jacques once again slammed his fist on the table, rattling the glasses and startling Zelda. Link began to brag about his recent adventure into Death Mountain. "So after I kicked some more ass, I ran into this ugly son of a bitch who I also kicked the living crap out of," His speech was so slurred that Zelda thought for a moment that Link had gone temporarily retarded. He paused to gulp down more cheap beer. Zelda rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Tell us about the time you kicked Ganon's piggy butt!" Skippy interrupted. Link just laughed, "Which time?" Jacques one again bursted out into his insane, and extremely irritating, laugh. Zelda had to get the fuck out of there. "Link," she gently said, pulling on his sleeve. He didn't notice her and kept bragging. "Link!" He still didn't see. Kel noticed though. "Hey Link, your bitch wants you." The Princess looked up and stared at the insolent fool. She was greatly angered and didn't like being pushed aside. She was always Link's center of attention, not the dirty glass of Coors he was holding! "Excuse me? How dare you address I, the Princess of Hyrule, as 'bitch'!" "Now Kel, that wasn't nice," Link said, wrapping his arm around Zelda. "You're such a spoiled brat!" Kel barked. "What have you done for Hyrule? "My family has done plenty!" she snapped back. "Hey Kel, Zelda's a great princess," Link interjected. The others nodded their heads. "Oh please, Link! What has she done for you beside give you numerous hard ons and wet dreams?" "Woah!" the Hero exclaimed, sitting up. "Let's not get into my pitiful personal life here!" "Link, I want to leave." Zelda cried, pulling on his sleeve a second time. "Wow Link, your woman wants it pretty badly!" Skippy teased with a grin across his lips. "Yeah, Link! She wants you to lay your 'Master Sword' to rest. Ha! Ha!" Jacques butted in with his horrible laugh. "That's it!" Zelda pushed passed Link and stormed off into the dining hall. "Aw shit, guys! Look what you did!" Link stood up and ran after the Princess. "They both want it bad!" Keenan joked, slapping Kel on the shoulder. "Those two are pitiful. Why don't they just screw already?" Jacques growled. He took one long gulp from his beer glass, then slammed it down onto the table. "She's got his balls on a leash, that's for sure!" "He deserves some lovin'! That boy's put his ass on the line for her a million times!" "I swear if I don't hear screaming coming from their room in the middle of the night, I'm gonna go in there and kick both of their pansy asses!" Meanwhile, Link finally caught up with Zelda outside his door. "Zelda," he ran up to her and held her by the arms. "I'm so sorry!" "You have a bunch of winners for friends," she growled, opening the door. He followed her in. "You know I don't tolerate anyone talking to you like that! I'm so sorry, Zelda." He was just about to take her into his arms when he felt a bad pain in his stomach. It wasn't the shits this time, either. "Link, what's wrong?" she nervously asked. His eyes began to bulge, frightening the Princess. "Oh no! I'm gonna-" he cried, suddenly pushing her away. In all his divine glory, he began to barf his brains out onto the stone floor. See kids, don't drink cheap beer. Go after the harder stuff instead. "Eeeww!!! You're just as bad as your friends!" Zelda yelled, backing away. "Zelda, I need-" he barfed some more, then continued. "...your help!" Spew! "Gross! That's why I don't drink. A hangover is never a good thing." "Zelda!" More puke. God, that must've been some nasty shit he was drinking. "My father told me that ladies never drink. It's very improper." Zelda babbled on. "Dammit, Zelda!" Barfies! "I...need...water!" "Well gee, maybe if you didn't drink you wouldn't be in this situation, now would you?" "Zelda!" "It's beginning to smell in here..." To make matters worse, the faerie from Hell, Navi, appeared out of the blue. "Jeez Zelda, help him, you stupid brat!" she screeched, taking a seat on Link's shoulder. "It'll be all right soon, my love." she whispered into his ear. "Fine, I'll go get the hero some water." snarled Zelda as she left the room, her skivvies all up in a knot. "That ugly bitch! How dare she not help you. Zelda's a goddam psychobitch who needs to get off her goddam cross-" Link unexpectedly lurched foward to barf some more, sending Navi flying right into the pile of vomit on the floor. "Link! Is this the thanks I get?" she yelled, standing up in the puke pile. Zelda finally returned. "Here you go," she gently lifted a goblet up to his lips. "Thanks," Link managed to say between sips. Navi got upset at the sight. She quickly wiped off the puke and few into the hallway. "Damn roach," Zelda mumbled. She then helped Link stagger to the bed and lie down. She knew he had to sleep off the hangover, so she left the room and sat on the balcony of the Blow My Shanks Inn. It wasn't very crowded except for two kids playing "kick-the-can", a game where you basically kick a can around. It's a shitload of fun if you're eight years old. The Princess took a seat and rested her head on the table in front of her. ...Why can't I stop thinking about him? Even when he was puking he still looked gorgeous... Suddenly a high pitched scream rang into her ear. It could only be Navi. "There you are!" Zelda picked her head up and snarled, "Oh God, where's my bugspray?" "Please, Zelda. You know it, I know it. You can stop your 'hard-to-get' act with Link. He wants me now." "Oh yeah? I couldn't care less, Navi. You can have him." Zelda didn't dare let her true feelings be known. "Don't say that! You're lying your royal ass off!" Navi stood up on the table and stared up at Zelda. "Lying?" "You want Link! You want him so bad that you can't stop thinking about him." "No I don't." "Yes you do!" "No I don't!" The commotion from the girls caused the two little kids to stop playing their game of "kick-the-can" and stare at Zelda. Navi was so small, and they couldn't see her, so it gave a very bad impression. "Why is the Princess talking to herself?" One kid asked his friend. "She's finally gone insane," the other answered. Navi continued to argue with Zelda. "Face it, you're just jealous because he doesn't want you anymore. He wants me!" "Navi, I don't care! He can have anyone he wants. Even if it is a little obnoxious roach." "Stop lying! It's eating you up inside because you want him so damn bad, but your pride is so overinflated that you just can't admit to it. Link's mine now!" "NAVI!" Zelda screamed, waving her hands in the air. "Just shut up! You're giving me a headache," "No, I won't! You're half the woman I am." "Half your size?! You're half my size, literally. Link wouldn't want a bug-" "I think a bug is better than a stuck up witch!" Zelda stood up at Navi's last insult. "That's it! I don't believe I'm even fighting with you. This is a total waste of my time. Who even told you to come along anyway? Link certainly didn't!" she barked. "Do what you like, Zelda. Go chicken out, like your normally do. I'm gonna go see how Link's doing." Navi scolded, flying up to the blonde's face. "Good-bye!" With that, the faerie buzzed off. Zelda held back all her anger and turned to see the two kids staring at her. "What do you want?!" she screamed, again waving her arms to and fro, looking every bit like a blown out madwoman. The children got scared, turned, screamed, and ran away. "I have to go take a walk..." she told herself. So she left the balcony and began to take a walk in the nearby forest not too far away from the Blow My Shanks Inn. Along the way she muttered, having a one-way conversation with her bratty self. "Navi's right. I want Link badly, but I can't seem to let the asshole know it. I just want to take him into my arms and-" "AAHH HA! HA! KISS HIM?!" a voice suddenly screamed. Zelda whirled around to see Ganon floating diagonally in the air, with two pink piggies at his side. "Christ, don't you have anything else better to do?" she whined, folding her arms. "...NO!!" "I figured..." Ganon made a face, unaware as to why she wasn't cowering in fear and screaming for Link to save her. "YOU'RE NOT SCARED OF ME? GANON! THE KING OF EVIL! THE PRINCE OF THIEVES! THE EVIL INCARNATION OF DARKNESS! THE-" "I get the point! And no, I'm not scared." "OH, WELL FINE BE THAT WAY." "Fine, I will." A long silence ensued. Zelda turned her back on him and continued to sulk. Ganon began to twittle his thumbs. "ERR...I STILL HAVE YOUR CAT-" "I know." "AWW, COME ON! IT'S NOT FUN TRYING TO TORTURE YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT TREMBLING WITH FEAR!" "Too bad," "...ZELDA, WHAT'S WRONG?" "Nothing. Nothing at all." "WHERE'S MR. JACKMEOFF? I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THAT SILLY BOY GOT HIS SWORD STUCK UP HIS OWN ASS!" "Don't talk about Link like that!" Zelda cried, as she angrily whirled around to face Mr. Piggy. Ganon smiled wickedly. "OH! I SEE YOU DEVELOPED A SOFT SPOT FOR THE IDIOT! WOULDN'T SHOCK ME SINCE YOU'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX EITHER! YOU GUYS WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER," "I don't care about your opinion anyway. You think you're Ann Landers or something?" "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME, YOU WEIRDO! YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT MR. LEFTY ANYWAY. HE'S NOT HERE WAVING HIS SWORD AROUND ACTING LIKE HE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE'S DOING. THAT SICK SAD EXCUSE OF A MAN!" "Why do you keep referring to him as 'Mr. Lefty' and 'Mr. Jackmeoff'?" "...AS I SAID, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX! WELL, I MUST GO, I HAVE A HAIR APPOINTMENT IN A HALF HOUR. YOU TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT I'LL KICK HIS LILLY ASS LATER, THAT FREAK CLAD IN GREEN THAT HE IS!" "He's not my boyfriend!!!" Zelda screeched. "NO, BUT YOU WISH HE WAS... OH, AND MISS SNUFFLES SENDS HER UNDYING LOVE. WELL, I'M OFF! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!" He snapped his fingers to disappear, but nothing happened. "HA HA HA HA HA--W-WHAT HAPPENED?" He tried again, but still nothing. "HA HA! DAMN WHAT'S WRONG?" Again he attempted to make a dashing exit. "HA HA! WHY IS THIS NOT-" POOF! He was gone. Zelda stared at the puff of green smoke he left behind and shook her head. "Hmm, he's a weird character. I like crayons though, I don't know why he kept telling me I 'wasn't the brightest one in the box'. I wish I had a coloring book. Eh, let me go check on that bastard." She exited the forest and made her way back to the Blow My Shanks Inn. |
or, if your little heart desires... |
Return to the Legend of Zelda Into page, yippy skippy! |
