Zelda_Chap

Chapter Four: Booger-Flicking: Another Flashback

Early the next morning, Princess Zelda awoke to the sound of a particular faerie's screaming, which wasn't always a pleasant way to be woken up.

"It's about time one of you elves got up!" Navi barked. "Now get my wings unstuck!"

Zelda blinked, remembering the dream about Link that she had just been rudely disturbed from and was tempted to go back to sleep. She giggled to herself as she rested back down on the bed, squeezing her blanket tightly, and to Navi's dismay, closing her eyes once again.

"No! Stay awake you crazy bimbo!"

Her outburst caused the Princess to shoot back up and glare at the annoying pixie.

"What for?!" Zelda snapped back as she threw her pillow at Navi, which succeeded in freeing the faerie from her spider web prison. She fell to the floor with a small thump.

"Ouch! Dammit Zelda, did you have to do that?" she hissed, checking to see if her wings were still intact.

"Well, you deserve it for being a stupid roach."

"Huh? Wha?" a groggy male voice muttered, still half asleep. Turns out all the yelling from the girls had caused the Hero of Time to wake up well before his usual rising time. He lifted his arms above his head and stretched. "Hi, Zelda." Link greeted, his voice still crackling a bit.

"Link, your bug is bothering me!" Zelda growled as she pointed to Navi who was still seated on the stone floor.

"What? Go to hell!" the faerie retorted in her defense. "I certainly am not--AAAHHH!!!" As Navi tried to get up and fly over to her Hero, she felt incredible stabs of pain emanating from her left wing. "Ooohh!! My wing! The horror! The audacity!" She collapsed onto the ground.

"Aw, poor Navi." Link cooed. He made his way over to her, picked her up, and placed her in his palm. Frowning, he looked down at her. Zelda couldn't care less, and plopped back down on the bed.. Her eyes closed and she began to think about her sick dream.

"Link! It hurts!" Navi yelped in pain.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"It's all the bimbo's fault! She threw a pillow at me!"

"She did?" Link turned to see the Princess fake a deep sleep as she thought dirty thoughts, then stared at Navi.

"Because I was stuck in a web and she refused to help me!"

"Now that doesn't sound like something the Princess would do. Stop lying, Navi!" Link scolded. He didn't like lies being told about his woman, and he knew Zelda wouldn't hurt a fly...at least, not if the fly's name was Navi.

"I'm not lying!" she yelled. "Stop trying to make Zelda out to be the good guy here! Goddamit, you fool! She's the one who-"

"Whatever, Navi. Actually, I don't even want to know how you hurt your wing, because the reason will probably scare me." Link placed her gently down on the footstool. Zelda grinned to herself as the faerie began fuming.

"I don't believe this! Fine, I know where I'm not wanted, not that you ever asked me to come in the first place, but still, it hurts, Link! I'll go and take a long walk off a short pier now." She began to drag herself across the stool, then fell onto the floor. In a rather melodramatic way, she pulled herself towards the door. "I'll leave you two alone to make porno movies in your minds. Good-bye!" With that, the pixie pulled herself out the door and wandered off somewhere.

Link just stared as Navi made her theatrical exit.

"But she's got legs..." he muttered to himself, shaking his head.

"Oh, Link," Zelda purred from the bed.

"Y-Yes, Zelda?" he happily answered as memories from his most recent sexfest of a dream resurfaced.

"Where are we going today?" she slyly questioned.

"Err...we're going to Death Mountain today."

"Oh, already?" She proceeded to stretch out on top of the bed in her flimsy, and not to mention thin, nightgown. Naturally, Link couldn't help but notice.

...Oh man, she's just done it again, got me all hard and horny...if this was my dream, I'd be on her and-...

"Whatever are you staring at?" Zelda deviously grinned, stretching her arms over her head, puffing out her chest in the process. ...Yes Link, look at me. Read my mind because I can't say the words out loud, otherwise I'd be just as big of a dork as you! Dammit, be a man and take me! Take me, you hot, husky goon!...

Link's mind was also hard at work for once, thinking. ...Uh-oh! She's making this a whole lot worse. Why, Zelda, why? Why must you torture me like this? That's it, I'm gonna go take care of this little problem!...

"I'll be right back!" he exclaimed. Without waiting for her response, he darted into the small changing room at the back of the room they were sharing. Did I forget to mention that there was a changing room? Oh, well I just did now.

"Was it something I said?" Zelda smiled partially to herself.

"MR. LEFTY STRIKES AGAIN!!!!" boomed a loud, obnoxious and unwelcome voice. Ganon (who else?) appeared in the tiny bedroom. He was actually right-side up this time, but his entire body, except for his head, was backwards. That telepathy shit doesn't always work correctly, mind you.

"AAAAHHHH!!!" Zelda shrieked. She quickly threw the blankets over her, not wanting the Prince of Thieves (no, not Kevin Costner), to see her in her naughty neglige.

Luckily for our Hero, he had just finished up and immediately made his way back into the bedroom. It appeared that he had an opaque substance covering his left hand.

"WELL! WELL! IT LOOKS LIKE THE HERO IS AS QUICK WITH HIS HAND AS HE IS WITH THE BLADE! HA! HA!" Ganon mocked.

"Hey, nice to see you too, Ganon..." Link smirked as he patted his arch-enemy's shoulder with his left hand, smearing the goo all over him. Ganon was oblivious for once. He just continued to taunt the couple.

"LOOK WHO I'VE GOT!"

Suddenly, Miss Snuffles appeared in Ganon's right hand, hanging by her tail.

"Oh, my kitty!" Zelda cried, outstretching her arms.

"Meow!" it helplessly yelped.

Link made an effort to grab the cat, but the King of Evil lifted it high above his head, out of the Hero's reach. "No fair!" he barked.

"I JUST STOPPED BY TO...TO..."

"To what?! You know you came at a really bad time!" Zelda growled.

"I ACTUALLY HAVE A REASON THIS TIME! HOLD ON, IT'LL COME TO ME!!" The Evil Incarnation of Darkness paused for a bit, then scratched his head with his free hand. A lightbulb literally went off above his head. "AH! HERE IT IS! THIS SICK GAME OF 'HARD- TO-GET' IS MAKING ME WANT TO PUKE! LINK, YOU COULD COME OUT HERE WEARING A SPEEDO AND DANCING AN IRISH JIG AND ZELDA STILL WOULDN'T CARE! AND ZELDA, YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, JUST PUT OUT ALREADY! THERE, I'VE SPOKEN MY PEACE! I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MORK AND MINDY!"

Ganon vanished after giving advice straight from the heart to his favorite bumbling pair.

Link and Zelda were speechless. The Princess couldn't think of anything intelligent to say and just threw the covers over her dainty head. Link knew he had to break the silence somehow. That little interlude certainly was totally uncalled for, but for us readers, it sure as hell was funny.

"Err..." Link stupidly started. "What a crazy guy that Ganon is,"

Zelda remained silent.

"Aw, come on Zelda, don't listen to that asshole. He's just a boring old coot who has nothing else better to do than steal people's cats and watch 'The Golden Girls'!" he reassured her as he took a seat next to her body on the bed. All she did was make a funny noise. "How about we leave Ruto as soon as possible and head for Death Mountain?"

"Okay," Zelda said in an infantile tone. She slowly lifted the covers off her head and cracked a small smile at Link.

Navi had returned to the room and was still crippled. Her whining hadn't stopped either.

"Oh, woe is me! My wing! I shall never fly again!"

"Cut it out, Navi!" Link snapped. "The Princess is upset."

"Oh, God forbid if the Princess is upset! But what about poor Navi? Poor, cripple-"

"Shut up!" Link and Zelda both yelled in stereo sound.

"Pooh on you!" Navi "miraculously" stood up and walked out of the room. She got no sympathy from the man she loved, so she was off to find another short pier.

Wasting no time, the two hurriedly packed and left the Blow My Shanks Inn. As soon as she mounted Epona, Zelda rested her head on Link's back again. She was still tired and wanted to snuggle up next to her piece of man-meat. Navi safely hid in the Hero's little pouch which hung off the horse's saddle. They galloped off into the wilds of Hyrule Field. Fifteen minutes passed by without a word being exchanged, yet it felt like fifteen eternities. Once again, Link felt like he had to break the silence.

"Yeah?" she sleepily replied without raising her head.

"Remember the time we first hung out together, after I first arrived at the castle?"

"Oh Christ, how could you ever make me forget?" Zelda smirked.

******YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK!!! TEN YEARS AGO******

On the same night that Link first came to Hyrule Castle on the wings of fate (actually, it was by pure coincidence), he eagerly wanted to get further acquainted with Princess Zelda. After being introduced to the King and his heavenly daughter, Impa showed Link the room where he'd be spending his days. Needless to say, he liked it very much. Sure beats living in a tree, that's for damn sure.

"Wow! This is sweet!" he cheered, jumping onto his new bed.

"I'm glad you like it," Impa smiled.

"Hey," Link paused from jumping up and down on the bed and clasped his hands together. "...Where does the Princess sleep?"

"She's in her tower."

"Well, the steps leading to it are right down the hall. She's stayed in that room ever since the day she was born-"

"So our rooms are kinda close together?" he grinned while elevating his brow. The minds of ten year old boys aren't exactly full of philosophical debates and all that other garbage. Link thought Zelda was hot, and simply wanted to chill with her. Well, he wanted to do more than that, but he was only ten, so....err....never mind.

"Yes, they are in the same vicinity, now that I think about it..." Impa let her voice trail off.
....Oh my, is having their rooms so close a good idea? Link is new to the castle, but Zelda did recognize him as the future Hero. Maybe they'll become buddies!...

"Nice...may I go and visit her, Impa?" he sweetly asked.

"I'm not sure, it's just after seven o'clock. She may be busy."

"Err...well, I guess it would be alright if you go and talk to her for a little while. I mean, you're going to be living together from now on. It would be nice if you two got to know each other."

"Uh-huh. Hey, Impa?"

"I feel funny saying this, but I think the Princess is really pretty," he stopped then quickly added, "Not that I like her or any wussy thing like that. I just feel weird around her. She's so beautiful and royal, and I'm so disgusting and poor."

Impa smiled at the soon-to-be Hero's words.

"Oh, you're not disgusting! You're just..." She searched for the right word. She really wanted to use the word "rancid", but opted for a better, less harsh choice. "...Untidy. Yes, that's it! Untidy! How about I fix you up? If you like, you can join Zelda and I on our evening stroll later tonight. Every night around sunset, we go for a walk around the palace grounds."

"Hell yeah, I'll go!"

"Hmm...hold on a few moments, young man. I think I have just the clothes for you!" Impa left the room for a short while, leaving the boy to wander around his new quarters. There was a nice window on the west side of the room, which gave him a wonderful view of the Royal Daisy Garden. Princess Zelda loved to plant daisy flowers in her spare time, while she wasn't doing royal things like sitting on her throne or walking all daintily. Before Link could spit a large, thick wad of phlegm into the flowerbeds, Impa returned.

"Ah, like the view?" she questioned, placing a pair of brown tights and a brand spankin' new green tunic on the bed. Obviously, this is where Link got his signature garb from, but after he turned seventeen, he ditched the ugly brown tights for the stylish new white ones. They made him look ultra hot. Even Zelda thought so.

"Oh, yeah, it's a pretty view," he lied.

"Now, time to take a bath! You don't want to be all stinky in front of the Princess, now do you?"

"So I'll leave you alone again to get washed up."

"Where's my bathtub?"

"Right there." Impa pointed over to the corner of the room next to the bed, where a rather large wooden basin was set up.

"Oh..." Link decided not to mouth off about his shitty "bathtub". After all, he had gone from living in a tree to the palace of Hyrule all in one afternoon. He would've been asking too much for a better tub.

So after the maid servant left, Link stripped off his clothes, which utterly reeked, and took a relaxing bubble bath. Upon Impa's arrival, she fixed up his hair and adjusted his clothes so they'd fit just right.

"You look so handsome, Link!" she exclaimed as she placed him in front of the long mirror in the room. "Zelda's going to be taken back at the mere sight of you!"

"I look so preppy! Preppies are scum!" he whined.

"But you're clean. Now, let's go meet Princess Zelda."

"Where did you get these clothes? I'm kinda curious, since no other boys my age live in the castle and all."

"Oh, they used to belong to Amos the farmhand. He used to wear them all the time, and he was the same build as you. The last time he wore them was to his funeral, but I figured that the clothes were too nice to go to waste, so I took them afterwards!"

"...................Eww."

"Enough chit-chat! Let's go!" She tugged Link by the arm and dragged him out of the room. The pair walked outside, where they found Zelda standing in the courtyard, waiting for Impa. She didn't expect to see Link tagging along, and did a double take when she saw how nice he looked. "Hello, Zelda." the old bag greeted.

"Hi, Impa," The Princess looked at Link and curtsied. "Hello, Link."

The boy made a face.

"I gotta fart." he said, rather aloof to the situation. Zelda wrinkled her nose in disgust at his comment. Impa slapped him on the shoulder, encouraging him to correct his error. "Oh, hello Zelda." he stupidly added.

She forced a smile, unsure of how to react in the presence of such a rapscallion. The three began to walk around the castle walls pretty silently. To liven things up a bit, Impa began talking.

"So Zelda, how does it feel to finally be with the boy who in his near future is going to save Hyrule?"

"Feels nice," she lazily replied, her head focused on the ground beneath her.

Link felt horrible. She obviously didn't like him very much. Maybe it was the foul stench which had radiated from him earlier, or perhaps the green guck that was stuck between his teeth before he brushed them? Either way, things weren't going so good. Impa also noticed.

"Um, why don't you two walk ahead? I have...matters to attend to. Meet you later!" She cheered before scurrying off somewhere. Zelda kept her eyes glued downwards. Link was really nervous. Shitting bricks even.

"Soooo....I was in your dreams, huh?" he asked, looking in her direction.

"Yeah," she said, still not bothering to look up at him.

"Like, what was I doing in them?"

"You were holding the legendary Master Sword."

"Cheer up, Princess!" Link exclaimed. He noticed a small statue type thing not too far away from them and ran up to it. Of course, he jumped up on it's top to look all dramatic and hero-like. "I'm gonna be a hero someday!" With that, he instantly fell off and landed flat on his face. Zelda began cracking up at his folly. Her pretty laugh made him forget about the pain now shooting through him. "You liked that?" he smirked, sitting up.

"Tee-hee--ahem! It was amusing." She quickly corrected herself.

"Do you always have to be so serious?"

"What do you mean? I'm always like this. It's very ladylike."

"...Come and sit next to me, Princess." He patted his hand on the pile of grass next to him. She obeyed without question. Before he could say anything, she stuck her royal, delicate finger up her nose and began to pick away.

"Hey!" Link teased. "That's not very ladylike!" She just stared at him. "Well, I might as well join you!" he laughed. He began to pick his nose as well. A minute passed. There was nothing but silence and nose picking. Zelda pulled her finger out and examined her prize.

"Pick a winner?" he asked.

"Uh-huh," She lifted up the hem of her dress and stuck it there. From what Link could tell, she already had quite the collection forming underneath that one gown.

"Eww! You leave your snots on your dress?" Link yelled, amazed.

"Yeah. You have a problem with that, Mr. Hero?" she suddenly snapped. He was loving this unexpected attitude change in her.

"Well, even I flick mine! See?" He flicked his snot somewhere into the grassy field.

"Good for you. Shall I give you a medal?"

"Well excuse me, Princess! Would you like me to show you how to flick instead?"

"No," she simply answered. "Flicking them is for boys. Hiding them is for girls."

"But you can have flicking races!"

"Yeah! You and a partner flick boogers and whoever flicks the furthest one wins."

"And did you and your imaginary friends make this game up?"

Link gawked. Zelda was certainly a sassy, sharp-tongued lass for sure!

They began to go spelunking in their noses again for another treasure. It didn't take either one that long to find one.

"Got one!" cheered Zelda.

"Now show me how to flick, Mr. Hero." She moved closer to him to examine his technique.

"See, it's all in the wrist." he explained, gracefully flicking his snot.

"Where'd it go?" she asked.

"I dunno. It's kinda hard to play this game at night, but oh well. You try now."

"Okay," She tried, but missed. The snot still remained on her finger.

"Na," Link explained. "You've gotta hold your hand like this....there you go." He positioned her hand in the correct fashion. She didn't flinch at his touch like he expected her to do.

"Here it goes!" she squealed, flicking the booger.

"Wow, that went far!" Link exclaimed.

"Yeah, farther than mine did! You seem to be really good at this. You're a natural pro!"

Zelda began laughing.

"You're so funny, Link!"

"Thank you," He was blushing. He could feel his face turn hot. Thank God it was dark so she couldn't see.

"Can I try it again?" she eagerly questioned, grabbing his hand.

"Yeah, sure you can. Got to find another one though!"

They both immediately fished for another prize. What they didn't notice was the King and Impa gazing at them from the tower window.

"I don't believe it, Impa!" the King spouted to his amazement. "I've never seen Zelda laugh so much! Ever since her mother died in that horrible accident involving a horse and bottle of lubricant, she's been so sad. But now that little dirty kid's making her all happy again! Even if they are...picking their noses, at least they're having fun doing it."

"Yes, her and Link have a strong connection." the old maid said to her King.

You see, dear reader, the Queen of Hyrule had died three years beforehand. The reason of her death was supposedly an incurable illness...at least that's what the Royal Family told the people of Hyrule. In reality she was found in the stable one morning, lying dead under a horse. It had trampled on her for reasons unknown. Why she was trying to get under it was also a mystery. The Queen always loved her horses!

The King watched as Zelda giggled with joy as she flicked a snot at Link. The boy just laughed, but didn't flick one back at her.

"It's getting late," Impa interrupted. It's bedtime for them both."

"Oh yes," he answered.

Impa left the tower and returned back outside to get the children.

"Princess Zelda! Link!" she called. At hearing the old crazy woman's words, Zelda quickly looked up and wiped the booger that was on her finger onto the ground. "Bedtime!" Impa sang, taking both Link and Zelda's hands.

"Aww, already?" Link sighed.

"Yes, Impa! We were having fun!"

"Tomorrow you can play all day. Heros and Princesses need their sleep!"

So, against their will, she brought each back to their respective rooms. Link changed out of his tunic and put on a fairly gay nightgown (the fairy) and sat on the bed, picking his feet. A knock at his door broke his concentration. It took almost as much brain power to pick the lint out between one's toes than it did to flick a snot. He got up and answered it. Standing there was Zelda in her long pink nightgown. Only her cute little toes showed.

"I just wanted to say I had fun before. Can we hang out all day tomorrow?" she anxiously asked, wringing her hands together.

"Sure! I had fun tonight too, Princess. I think I'm gonna enjoy living here." he cheered.

"Well, good-night Link,"

"Good-night, Zelda," She cracked a small smile, then went back upstairs into her tower. That night Link slept very peacefully. Hey, it beats having a tree branch go halfway up your ass each night!

He was awakened early the next morning by a giddy Princess Zelda. She had tapped his shoulder with her dainty index finger repeatedly until he woke up.

"Hello, Mr. Hero!" she whispered.

Link blinked and wiped some eye crust away.

"Hi, Princess," he groggily greeted. It was too damn early in the morning for him, but to be awakened by the future object of his obsessions was the icing on the cake.

"Let's go play! I know it's early and all, but I just couldn't wait. And Impa's still asleep, so she won't bother us, that old biddy!"

He readily got up and dressed. So for the entire day they sat outside and picked noses and talked and laughed and bonded and all that happy bullshit.

*****PRESENT DAY!*****

"I can't believe we flicked snots!" Zelda laughed, resting her forehead on Link's back.

"I know. What a strange way to bond, huh?" he smirked.

She calmed down and probably, without realizing it, gave Link a squeeze around his waist. He liked that. Me-ow!

"I miss Miss Snuffles."

"Oh, I'll get her back for you."

"I know you will. You've never let me down before, Link."

Link began thinking. ...Sure, I've never let her down, but she's sure let me up!...Link, that was crude. Yes, yes it was. Ouch! Damn blonde hair!...

"Link?" Zelda called again.

"Can't we stop and drink some water from the river? It's clean. At least, I think it is. Zoras don't crap in it, do they?"

"No, I don't think so. Sure, we'll stop if you like." Link urged Epona over to the nearby river. She happily gulped down the fresh water. Zelda hopped off the horse and kneeled down next to the river's edge. Link joined her. Eagerly, she cupped her hands and began to drink. The Hero wasn't thirsty, but he took off his boots and stuck his feet into the glistening blue water. At Link's idiotic move, the Princess spit out the water and began to yell.

"Link! You had to go and do that?" she spat.

"Do what?" he asked, puzzled.

"Go and stick your stinky feet into the water like that? Right where I was drinking, too! Now the water's polluted!"

"Well excuse me, Princess! Pardon me for wanting to give my feet a rest!"

"But...but you disgust me!" She sat down Indian style in her spot.

"Gee, my feet aren't that bad. I don't see any dead fish floating up! Do you?" he sarcastically questioned, peering over into the water. Zelda crossed her arms and turned her face away from him. Link grinned. It was kind of an evil grin. He unexpectedly pulled one of his legs out of the water and shoved his foot over Zelda's shoulder. She whirled around and shrieked.

"Link! That's disgusting!" she barked while pushing his foot away. He just gleefully laughed and shoved his foot once again in her face. "Link! Quit fucking around" she angrily retorted, this time grabbing his calf and keeping a good grip on it. His eyes twinkled.

"Woah, I like it when you talk dirty and grab my body parts."

"You...you...little dork!" She pushed his leg away.

Link had to get her back into a good mood, so he used the same method as before. It worked like a charm every time, heh-heh. Suddenly, without warning, he jumped on her (but gently, he didn't want to hurt her...yet) and began to tickle her all over.

"Link! S-Stop!" she cried, now squirming under him.

"Nope, 'fraid I can't do that, Zelda."

"Link! Th-this--tee-hee--isn't--tee-hee--funny!"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Tee-hee--STOP IT!" she managed to bark.

"Oh, alright." He removed himself off of her and stood up.

Zelda lifted herself onto her elbows and stared at him. She got a sinister idea (which didn't happen too often). In a flash, she shot up and hurled herself onto his back, causing him to lose his balance, sending them both into the river. Link took it as a joke and started to laugh. The water was shallow, allowing them both to only stand knee deep in it. The Princess was also back in good spirits and laughing again. Both were soaking wet, mind you. The Hero leapt up and landed on Zelda, causing them to fall down. They started play-fighting and rolling around in the water, grabbing each others clothes...laughing like a bunch of kids. It looked like a scene from "Debbie Does Hyrule" or some sick porno like that. The only thing that salvaged the interlude was the fact that they were wearing clothes.

Meanwhile, Navi had perched herself upon Epona's head and stared at the two frolicking in the river.

"Look at that!" she exclaimed to the horse. "Look how immature they're acting. Behaving like they're ten, not twenty!"

Epona just neighed at the faerie's complaints.

Link had cornered Zelda and they began splashing water all over each other. Then, to Navi's further dismay, Zelda jumped on Link again, sending them crashing into the river for the tenth time. Their eyes met in a stare. It wasn't just any stare though...it was a real seductive one, not like the type you'd get while enduring in a battle against bad gas. The Hero gazed up at Zelda and wrapped his arms around her. She looked down at him with a look that read: I'm horny, you idiot, take me!

...Jeez, she's on top of me...Link pondered. ...Woo-hoo!...

Zelda lowered her head down, giving Link the signal to make a move. Navi was about to puke.

"Oh no! They're not going to kiss! That would be the final nail in the coffin! That's it!" She bounced back up and glared at the couple. "Navi, time to do what you do best--ruin their fun!"

Zelda lowered her head a little more. Link had placed a hand on the back of the Princess' head and urged her closer. Both their eyes were shut, anxious for the moment at hand.